Preaching To The Conversed :

"You look mean in green and in red you're so pleasing
But they're so last season"

I have worn a variety of colours in my life, but I think I look best in black as demonstrated by our profile picture (at the time of writing), very thinning on a rapidly inflating lower torso.  Black never goes out of season.  But red and green do.  Generally you can only get away with this if you are Dudley Moore in that Christmas film where he's an elf.  And I think this is wrong.  Why can't Dudley Moore be a trendsetter?  WHY CAN'T I DRESS LIKE AN ELF AND NOT GET LAUGHED AT?

"And Alexa said it would be suicide"

I saw this show on T4 when I spent the night at someone's house and they woke me up and made me watch the TV at about 10am on a Sunday, and it was basically Alexa Chung telling people what to wear.  I'll tell you what to wear at 10am on a Sunday - PYJAMAS FOR FUCKS SAKE.  Thanks for letting me crash at your house, but fuck off and let me go back to sleep, at least until Hollyoaks for deaf people comes on.

"You may as well just commit suicide"

This was the impression she was giving off.  I felt like it, seriously.  I've had some dark moments in my life (see my acoustic demos page) but none more than when I'm lying in some random girl's bed watching Alexa tell me I should wear stripy yellow socks or whatever and I hate the thought of the existence of humans but I've still got a semi on because she's quite attractive.  I'm sure Channel 4 used to show horse racing?  I don't fancy horses, and they don't speak, and even if they did they wouldn't tell you what to wear, I'm sure.  They'd just tell you not to ride them and crack them mercilessly with a whip.

NB.

- She was good on Popworld
- I'm not comparing her to a horse
- Actually that was Miquita Oliver who was good on Popworld, my bad!

"Guaranteed haute corpse-ture"

'where they live hard, die young, have a good lookin' corpse every time'  Tom Waits, "Mr. Siegal" from Heartattack and Vine, Elektra, 1980

"Don't get shirty, I'm only teasing"

Shirty! Like a shirt!  But like in the sense of getting a bit worked up!  And a shirt!  It's a verse about the frivolity of fashion! HAHA!  Kill me now.

"But that shirt is tantamount to fashion treason
Apparently
You must approach fashion transparently
Am I up to speed?  I'm not sure..."

I don't have a clue about fashion.  This is a bit like Lady Gaga writing a song about music.

"The high street is your cote d'or"

For all you non-Francais speakers out there, cote d'or directly translates as "the gold coast".  I grew up in a town called Sutton in the far reaches of south London, and by all accounts, it's a pretty good high street, it's better than Tooting for instance.  But it kills me that probably a decent proportion of the people under the age of 25 who reside in Sutton have only seen this one high street.  Go to Shrewsbury or something, you'd puke.  It has cobbled streets, and the front of the KFC is beige!

"Topman your independent record store"

Apparently my song 'Forever On The Edge' got on some kind of playlist they play in Topman stores.  I don't think that needs any further comment.  I got a £5 Topman voucher once for my birthday from some distant Auntycousin.  I went in and bought a hairclip or something and got £4.50 change.  On the way out I deposited the hairclip in a bin before heading to Virgin Megastore to spend £4.49 on an old Charlatans single that probably wasn't even good but I thought it was at the time.  I put the 1p in the RNIB box.  Someone benefitted at least.  My grandad was blind.  ANYWAY ... this is a serious point.  There used to be this great little shop in Sutton called Hot Rocks (arf!) which sold loads of awesome records for £3.99 and some for even less.  I once went in there and Fat Matt the proprietor threw a Mansun T-Shirt at me.  It makes me sad that I don't expect anyone ever again ever will walk into a record shop and have a Mansun T-Shirt thrown at them with the words "You like this shit don't you?".  Maybe that's never happened to anyone apart from me anyway.  ANYWAY ... to explain the line - I may have been the only guy who got his best clothes from a CD shop, but kids don't go to CD shops these days.  They go to Topman and listen to 'Forever On The Edge' by the 4 or 5 Magicians while buying poorly made jeans for £49.99 which is "a bargain" (even though their cost price is probably like 18p).  I could have bought the entire Charlatans singles back catlogue for that (and I did - whoops!).  Conclusion : I'm a cunt, and so are you.

"You have no idea that Sonic Youth is a band"

We played a show with a band called Doll and The Kicks in Brighton who Morrissey has been saying are the "best band ever".  I won't be drawn on their musical worth, I'll let Morrissey do the talking - he knows far better than me, his band was successful - but let me tell you, they look fucking great, seriously.  The singer was wearing one of those shirts that has the front cover of Goo by Sonic Youth on it, and that kind of inspired this line.  I'm sure she knows Sonic Youth are a band, I'm not saying she doesn't, but did she buy the shirt for £5 from a cockney outside the Kentish Town Forum after sitting through them playing the whole of 'A Thousand Leaves'?  Probably not.  Good on her, that album is shit.  Goo's the masterpiece, I agree.

"You think The Ramones is a clothing brand"

My old housemate Will used to work in the Levi's shop in Churchill Square shopping centre in Brighton.  There was this dude we both kind of knew who hung around with the football team even though he didn't play football who inexplicably referred to Levi's as "Leroy's", and had a Ramones T-Shirt, but didn't realise they were a band, he just liked the design.  He also wore an Arsenal shirt a lot, but he realised they were a football team.  At least I think he did.  Maybe he just liked Emirates Airlines.

"Dress for success and then jostle for position
Yeah, I look a mess, but I'm a struggling musician"

This is my fist in the air, Bruce Springsteen kind of "beat the system" line.  BOX TICKED

"You all must look the same and thus the same you must all listen"

Kids dress the same because they don't want to stick out.  In a way I agree with this in really young kids.  When I was in year 6 I had these absolutely shoddy trainers called "Mirage" that my mum bought me from a dodgy discount store because she was a cheapskate and didn't have a great grasp of child psychology.  I winged it by telling all my classmates they were prototype Japanese Adidas Mirage trainers and they believed me because they were a) pretty gullible, and b) because I was the only kid in the class in the football team so I owned them.  There's some drawn out moral story here about hegemonic behaviour among 11 year olds, but I'll save that for another day.  The bottom line is, kids do whatever the cool kid does. Even though by the age of 14/15 you should be forming your own opinions.  But this still doesn't happen in the large part of cases as status is everything in playground politics. So if the cool kid says listen to [WAVVES]insert cool but essentially shit, fly by night current band[/WAVVES] they will all listen to that and they are cool by default.

"Preaching to the Conversed, my impossible mission"

Conversed, like people that wear Converse.  And also ironic double meaning of "conversed" as in people that have amassed an assumed superior knowledge by talking to others.  You haven't seen anything until you've seen someone earnestly attempting to play football in skinny-fit jeans and Converse All-Stars.  Please notice the photo accompanying the song on the myspace player.  Yes that is an inner sole (from none other than the Kurt Cobain signature Converse!) that reads "Punk Rock Means Freedom".  On an INNER FUCKING SOLE.  Do you think people take their shoe off and are like "check out the inner sole of my Converse guys!  Read it!  Isn't that totally rad?  Oh while it's out maybe GIVE IT A SNIFF - IT SMELLS OF CHEESE AS WELL".

"All your friends say vote green, but aren't the reds the best?"

From fashion to politics - my other favourite sticking point.  I love 18 year olds who vote for the Green party just because "they are campaigning for our future!" or other such bullshit.  This is a comic line because it's almost attributing some level of reflective thought to the youth of today, but only fleetingly because they are sure that the red party is the one you're meant to vote for, and they want to fit in.

"Well your parents contest
The red ones are in disarray"

Parents are generally more stupid than kids I find.  They are usually racist, and say all music sounds like Fleetwood Mac.  However they do often read the paper and form "opinions", and realise that the Labour party is totally fucking up right now where as kids just play Playstations and eat Doritos or whatever kids do these days - unprotected sex or whatever. 

"You'll probably vote blue anyway
That's your favourite colour"

Cutting. 

"Don't get angry I'm only joking
But what's the point in voting
When you don't know what you're voting for?"

I have never voted.  I got into a big argument in one of my politics seminars once for admitting this.  Some dude who looked like Johnny Rotten was like "MAAAN people died so that you had the right to vote" and I was like "didn't people die so I had the right to CHOOSE TO VOTE OR NOT?", actually I didn't say that, I think I just shrugged and wondered why I had got out of bed (even though this was one of my 4pm seminars on the same day as football training).  But seriously, I'd say the majority of people in the UK right now are voting for parties that don't represent them.  That's why the cocking BNP are on the rise, because they do actually represent the values of that minority of idiots.  The current state of politics in the UK is ridiculous.  I think centrism is probably the most sensible way to gain votes at the moment, so I can see why they are doing it.  But in a de-facto two-party system, who are you voting for?  Do you even know any more?  Is there even a significant difference between Labour and Conservative apart from one is RED and the other is BLUE?

"Does no-one read the paper any more?
Read the paper?!?  What could be duller?"

This is a wink towards the internet age.  It is a sad truth that the best news based thing to read is theonion.com , and that's not even real.  There is also a slight hypocrisy here - I should really read the newspaper more myself, I don't get it much at all, I tend to just watch news 24 for half an hour a day to see what's going on.  But then Jade Goody thought Norwich was on Mars or whatever.  RIP Jade.  I hope you're in heaven, which is just off the A11, about 45 minutes past Thetford Forest.

"Obama is your new Che Guevara"

I'm not gonna go all Frank Turner on you, but Obama, in the run up to his winning the US Presidency was portrayed by the media as some kind of messiah, and the talking heads waxing lyrical about his win afterward were just embarrassing.  He isn't a messiah [hadtosayit]he's a very naughty boy[/hadtosayit], he's just a normal guy.  With seemingly balanced views.  Who can string a sentence together.  This is why he is so so important right now, and I genuinely hope he becomes a great and inspirational president, as he could well do.  But I just really hope in 30 years time, fat middle class kids aren't parading round in Obama T-shirts that they bought for £19.99 from Camden Market.

"Scouting For Girls are your new Nirvana"

We've all worn a Nirvana T-shirt at some point in our lives, right?  But bands like that don't exist any more.  Scouting For Girls exist though, sadly.  I've never seen anyone in a Scouting For Girls T-Shirt though.  I think perhaps I'm contradicting my point here, but I'm not sure.  I think you know what I mean, and if you don't, then that's ok because I don't either.  I mean I do but I can't really articulate right now [NEEDS AN EDIT HERE DAN - THIS ALMOST NEGATES YOUR WHOLE ANALYSIS - Ed]

"You've written "Free Tibet" on the back of your hand"

Chris Martin has a lovely smile, but you shouldn't copy stuff he does.

"But you think that Tibet is a part of Iran"

I'm still not sure about this line, but I think it works because it's topical.  Even if you are the stupidest stupidhead in the UK, you must have seen Iran mentioned on the news (even if it was by accident) and know that they are a bunch of mental darkies that are going to kill all us lovely, virtuous white people with their weapons of mass destruction.  You probably haven't heard of Tibet, even though Chris Martin has.  Still, you have a pen, and a whole head of ideas, so knock yourself out.

"You think the Dalai Lama is the King of Japan!"

Comment on the fact that a large section of our society would probably guess "Japanese?" upon presnetation of a photo of the Dalai Lama and the question "which country is this man from?".  Maybe this is taking pseudo-cynical too far.  I haven't done any market research.  If anyone wants to come help me with some consumer-hassling in Brighton at any point let me know.  It would be a welcome relief from those try hards that guilt trip you into setting up a standing order to donate money to Cancer Research so they can fund their Easter holiday ski trip to St. Tropez anyway.

"Yes, I confess, I'm no great politician"

I did a politics degree and I only just passed.  I'd like to say this was because I became so disillusioned with politics / life that I actually felt a genuine disdain for the futility of what I was studying and lost interest, but it was probably just because I was a bit lazy, I didn't actually do my dissertation due to poor time management, and the fact that I've only ever wanted to be in a band so I focused on that rather than bothering to write essays giving a balanced view on Margaret Thatcher.

"But at least I possess a process approaching cognition"

Little known fact : Sam Clarke, erstwhile guitarist (formerly bass player) in 4 or 5 Magicians has a neuroscience degree.  You learn something new every day.  Well, some people do.

"You all must think the same and thus the same you must all listen
Preaching to the Conversed, my impossible mission"

'Think the same' this time, rather than look the same.  It's true.  People think the same as each other too.  As much as they like to think they don't.  You probably disagree, how ironic!

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and I feel like I'm beaten
So take me for a Big Mac so I can taste the defeat"

This is my favourite line I have ever written.  I didn't eat McDonalds for about 6 years, not for any moral reasons, just because it tasted like shit and gave me explosive diahorrea.  But me and Graham were out in London last summer, and after stumbling totally wrecked out of a club at 5am it was the only place still open on The Strand, and so I bit the bullet, went in, slapped £5 down on the counter and just spurted out "MEAT!!".  The guy returned with two quarter pounders and took my money.  Didn't even ask me if I wanted fries.  DO YOUR JOB FELLA!  I ate them both, and the next thing I know it's 11am and I'm throwing up in Graham's toilet.  Never has the phrase "taste the defeat" seemed more appropriate to me.

"And now we are the same and the same we will listen
Preaching to the Conversed, my impossible mission"

About 12 years ago, a Tesco megastore was built at the end of our suburban street in Sutton.  As a 13 year old I was delighted - so much choice at my fingertips!  But my Dad warned me at the time "there won't be any shops in 15 years except supermarkets and they will charge whatever the fuck they like".  Shut up dad, stop being such a cynic - what corner shop would do buy one get one free Reggae Reggae Sauce?!?  What greengrocer would sell broccoli at half price ALL YEAR ROUND?!?!!?  What electrical appliance store would play Simply Red records over the PA system??!?!  Oh hang on Dixons used to do that.  And Tandy.  But anyway, good riddance I say.  You can't buy hair straighteners and condoms at a fishmongers!

But what does this all count for?  What does this song acheive?  Well nothing really apart from the fact I can listen to it at 11:35am having been awake all night after a slightly indulgent Saturday night out, in the deluded "knowledge" that I have written one of the best songs of all time.  I haven't.  It means nothing because in reality you don't fucking care, and nor do I.

Dan x