The
arcade sent our writer Sam Primeaux to the Datarock concert Sept. 23 at
Republic New Orleans. He returned with the following:
[From an unmarked tape recovered from the Kremlin by American intelligence operatives in mid-1986]
“Mr. Gorbachev, Comrade Lebedev of the KGB is here to see you concerning the progress of Project Datarock.”
(Papers shuffling)
“Yes, of course, see him in.”
“Chairman Gorbachev, good to see you again.”
“You as well, Comrade. Please, fill me in on the details of this Datarock project.”
“Of course, sir. In the early ’80s, the Politburo became
increasingly concerned about the encroachment of Western culture on the
youth of the USSR. With the rise of MTV
and American popular music, we felt that we should offer a
state-sponsored alternative to the capitalist nonsense seeping in from
the United States. A study was commissioned to create a music group
that would be so ‘cool’ Russian teens would flock proudly to the
new-wave pop of the Motherland.”
“Your findings?”
“Well, using advanced computing algorithms, we have created a band
that maximizes its own ‘coolness’ in every conceivable way. There are
four members, following the template set by the United Kingdom’s
massively successful ‘Beatles’ project. They wear matching jumpsuits
with impressive logos. They will never be caught without sunglasses,
even when playing indoors and late at night. They will be handsome,
have thick chest hair (implying boundless virility) and play matching
wireless, white guitars.”
“I see. What will they sound like?”
“That is largely unimportant. Something danceable. Like, cool Devo.”
“Won’t people dismiss them as tongue in cheek and sort of embarrassing despite their ironic detachment?”
“There is no chance of that.”
“I see. Proceed.”
[Tape ends.]