January 13, 2009

Letting the Light In

It’s winter. We’re supposed to be going inside, reflecting, hibernating – like the bear. It’s good for us. This is the time of the West – death, rebirth, transformation. We aren’t scheduled to come out of it until Spring. Thing is... I’m backward. Heyoka. I don’t always do things in order.

This winter I went inside myself for awhile. Then I had reason to emerge. Joy walked in. At first she was strange. I felt a little uncomfortable, maybe even guilty, for joking around. In December, I started waking up in the mornings thrilled to be alive. Laughing with myself in the mirror! That spark in me that I thought I’d never find again, made its way out – bursting forward!

It took years of telling myself on a daily basis, “It’s gonna be alright. Hang on. Don’t give up. Let the light in. Open as much as you can.” Even though my heart deeply feared I just may not make it through the pain of having been betrayed. In many ways, happiness has been the decision I have made on a daily basis. It just took a long while to birth.

I prayed, I meditated, I went to the Zen Buddhist nun, to the Zen Buddhist monk, to the Native American healer, to the blind healer, the acupuncturist, the doctor, the head doctor, too. I went to the desert, to the mountains, to the ocean. I went to the music, to the musicians. I listened and I sang. I found a fantastic yoga instructor who had been my friend all along. I got herbs and sprays, tinctures and remedies. People sent me things in the mail they thought might help. I had my soul retrieved, my palm read, my angels spoken to. I worked with an astrologer, a psychic, a medium. I talked to a gypsy, and my friend’s dead father. I had an outrageously successful biofeedback session that healed a serious health issue. I worked with other kinds of healers. Many of them long time friends. Friendship heals.

I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I already looked the devil in the eye, and she was horrific. She was gnarly and mean. I didn’t want to become her. Everyday, I prayed for guidance.

Then one night, I went out with friends being silly and flirty. I woke up the next day and said to myself, “I fell in love with life again!” What a huge, huge relief and success. It has been a difficult journey to re-discover this place in me.

My long time friends are laughing harder now, probably partly with relief. My newer friends enjoy the fun. My newest friends have no idea what kind of journey it has taken to move from the despair I felt two and a half years ago, to laughing hysterically out loud.

I suppose my joyousness could be overwhelming for some. But I won’t suppress myself to appease someone else anymore. Maybe I hug too much, or tell my family and friends how much they mean to me – too much. But it’s worth the risk that some people are so uncomfortable with me expressing my love and gratitude, they might go away. I’ve met strangers and in a matter of hours felt my heart open. I know I’ve scared off a few by thanking them for the light they brought me, and by being loving toward them. Isn’t that the stranger thing? For some, love and power are confusing. Others have become my friends.

I’m free. I’ve been washed clean.

When you see me, I may look unfamiliar. When you hear me laugh WAY too loud – join in, cut loose. It feels SO good to feel alive. There was a good while I wasn’t sure if I would ever laugh again.

I am grateful for each person who has touched my life in a positive way. Thank you.