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Alex Lightle


Last Updated: 12/1/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Swinger
Sign: Cancer

State: California

Who Gives Kudos:

I ♥ .. (2)
[13 Mar 2008 | Thursday] 
I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. It’s like I am ten thousand different people wrapped up into one small body. I’ve talked and written a million times about how much I am learning about the world and about myself, but really I’ve learned nothing at all. It’s just that I get kicked into the ground with bad luck and when I crawl out of that hole I feel like I’m on top of the world again, but really I’m just back to where I started from. And when I should be preparing myself for that next inevitable fall, or helping myself get ahead, I am wasting time, money, and effort in places that those things are not deserved. It’s a fucking sick cycle and I can’t figure out how to get myself out of it. I am fully aware that this is all my fault.

I am so obsessive that it makes me sick. I am dragged around by guilt and I always feel like I should be apologizing for things that other people have ruined. I feel like I should go find every person I’ve ever said anything mean to and write them a letter saying that I hope they forgive me because I have already forgiven them. People I was mean to in high school, ex-boyfriends, old friends, whatever. You hurt me, I express myself to you, you call me a bitch, I feel like an A+ asshole for the rest of my life. It’s not fair. Why can’t I let it go like you do? And what sucks the most is that when I really feel like talking to that person and clearing the air that it’s always too late. I’d look like an idiot for writing someone a letter apologizing for being a jerk an entire year later? Especially when I had every reason in the world to be even more of a jerk than I was.

I just want to start over. I want that so bad I just stare at the walls while I’m kicking and screaming and crying in my head. There are way too many intangible things that I want that I simply cannot have and it tears me the fuck apart.

I am just so angry at everything. At the world, at my family, at my friends, at random strangers. I’m angry because I have a good heart and it is either not recognized at all or is taken advantage of. I love and I love so hard, and I never feel that kind of love in return. I feel like a lost little puppy who is looking for a family and just crying at them "Love me love me love me. Please." It’s pathetic. Why should I care so much when no one else does?

I need to learn how to let go. Once I learn that, I will be okay.

I will be okay.

I will be okay.

I will be okay. 
Currently listening:
Catch a Fire
By Bob Marley & The Wailers
Release date: 12 June, 2001
2:23 AM
 
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I ♥ waterfalls

 
You should find someone to work with to put your words to music... Your a superstar!
 
Posted by I ♥ waterfalls on [15 Mar 2008 | Saturday] - 8:18 PM
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