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Current mood:  chipper
Here's a little blog about our first ever Edinburgh Minge Festival appearances...
Sorry it's a bit late but me and Little Kunt went on hols straight after and we just got back at the weekend.
We've been trying to get on at the Fringe Festival for the last 3 years and got knocked back by everyone we approached, all the mainstream venues either didn't like it, didn't get it or just ignored us!
I didn't even get as far as being able to offer my arsehole up as a cunt. It was very disheartening.
But earlier this year a couple of people told us about the Free Fringe where you just go and play for fuck all and hope that kind souls will stick a few quid in your bucket to help cover your costs, so I thought, "alright then, I'll give it a go..."
They booked us for 9 nights...
I wanted to do something to mark the occasion so I grew a moustache.
I thought it had shades of Ian Rush in his prime but after people telling me it made me look like 'a nonce' a spiv' 'a pre-pubescent paedophile', etc. etc. I decided to put it to the public vote via Youtube as to whether I should don said tache for the Edinburgh festival dates.
You can see the tache or gash video here:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ib8LLaGs7A
Anyway, you voted in your hundreds and the general consensus was that the tache made me look sexy, made men a bit jealous and made women frothy at the gash so it stayed.
This was me (avec tache) and my number one helper/merch monkey Lilly Kunt...
Before my first night at the Meadow Bar I had a couple of 10 minute slots booked at free afternoon comedy cabaret shows. It was Edinburgh in the middle of summer so needless to say it was shitting down with rain the whole time. That meant that the free afternoon comedy cabaret shows were full of middle aged shoppers sheltering from the rain. Fucksticks.
As you can imagine I died on my arse. It was small consolation that people in the audience looked like a little bit of them had died too.
Imagine you playing your nan 'I sucked off a bloke'. That's what it was like. The longest 10 minutes of my life. And probably theirs.
I was secretly thinking, "My Edinburgh dream has turned into a nightmare", but of course I didn't say it out loud for fear of looking like a great big pussy.
I definitely didn't say it.
With the first disastrous afternoon set being at 3.30 pm come 12.45am I'd been drowning me sorrows for nearly 9 hours. I was well oiled. Ever the consumate pro I staggered onto the stage at the Meadow Bar to find a full venue! And, despite me having drunk my own weight in Fosters tops, the show went really well.
Look at all the people having a nice time!
Next day I did another afternoon cabaret (Daft Red Hot Sperm Whales) and it actually went well. OK, so there were only about 8 people there but fuck it, things were looking up!
Then I met Simon Donald, one of the founders of Viz, who everytime I saw him around Edinburgh after that shouted "Kunt" at me.
It gave me a little woody in my pants but I thought it was probably best to keep that to myself.
Next night the Meadow Bar was full up again. Happy days!
Here's me performing 'Men with beards...'
At the back of the upstairs venue in a little alcove was the ladies' toilets. If you look at the photos below you will see that as the week went on there was a worrying theme emerged...
One bearded man lurking by the ladies toilets is offchance.
Two? Well, it's just a coincidence.
Three? It's starting to look dodgy...
Four and five. Clear and present danger.
They're not even bothering to look shifty anymore.
And what's going on here is anyone's guess...
While I was in Edinburgh, for 5 nights I played 10-15 minute sets at the 6pm alternative Kabarett at the Voodoo rooms which felt a bit more suitable than the other ones.
These were me setlists...
And here's me and Little Kunt on stage doing 'The birds and the bees'.
Even though it was generally much better received than the early horrors I had experienced, I did learn the hard way that 6pm is too early for wanking and crying in public.
Midway through the week, the shows at the Meadow bar had been full up every night
and now everything was going swimmingly.
When 3 big fuckoff scottish skinheads came in one night and sat half way back I had no reason for concern. And when they looked like they weren't really enjoying it I thought to myself, "It's fine. It's a free show and if they want to leave they can just get up and go."
A couple of songs later there was no sign of them. There were people standing at the back and the skinheads had vacated their seats so in between songs I said, "Does anyone know where those big blokes went?" Noone seemed to know so I said to the people standing to take their seats, which they did, adding, "Hopefully they've not just popped down to get a pint or are in the ladies' bogs doing snifter", at which point the ladies toilet dorr opens and this fucking massive skinhead comes out and says, "What did you say mate?"
Me - "I...I...j..jjj....just wondered where you'd gone mate...".
Skinhead - "I was in the ladies toilets doing coke."
Fuck, If I was Derren Brown I'd have been well happy with that! This great big fucker was not amused and it didn't help when I looked around to see the weediest audience I'd ever seen in my entire life who kept nervously laughing at everything that was said - which just seemed to be winding this bloke up even more.
Eventually I managed to diffuse the situation and he went and so I said, "Thank fuck for that, I didn't see any of you weedy cunts backing me up with that big bastard."
At which point the big skinhead poked his head back round the door and said, "I'm still here, big man".
Shit shit shit shit shit. I souped up my pants with a go faster stripe and frantically apologised even though I hadn't done anything!
Thinking about it now, I could probably have taken him. I just didn't want to spoil the show with bloodshed.
As the week went on, the shows all went really well with no further flashpoints!
I was even joined on stage by a special celebrity guest from beyond the grave...
Please also note I couldn't afford the travel costs of taking my key-tar up to edinburgh so I fashioned one out of cardboard and gaffer tape. It didn't look as flash but there were less wrong notes than usual.
This was my mp3 player setlist that I picked tracks from each night...
Having lunch in the Meadow Bar one day I was put off my burger by this...
He was up there for about half hour doing some semi-naked DIY task before Lilly Kunt went outside with the camera to get a close up and he spotted her and pulled the blind down and stuck his middle finger up underneath it!
While I was in Edinburgh I went to see this play called the Hotel. It was all set in, you guessed it, a hotel. It was fucked up and funny in places...
This is me and Dougie (pronounced Doogie) Birrell MD.
Just a couple of bearded blokes on a regular night out having a beer and planning a sexual assault.
Near the end of the week I did a short, slightly censored set for Richard Tyrone Jones's 'Utter' show. I played 'Sit down wee', 'Barry didn't do it' and 'Men with beards', in which I replaced the line about interfering with kids and making them say 'thank you' afterwards with something a bit less harrowing.
Normally if you try and tone it down it goes down like a sack of shit anyway but on this occasion it went rather well, even if i do say so myself.
And the final night at the Meadow Bar was the best of the lot, there were so many bods there that I ended up doing two half-arsed shows rather than one full anus.
Afterwards there were a few more beers.
'Hatty and Tony rub it better' was one of the other shows at the Meadow Bar. Hatty narrated our documentary. Here they are rubbing it better.
And last but by no means least, kids' TV presenter Ross Lee's blossoming career will surely be cut off in its prime after he was pictured suckling at my weeping teat.
That's about it. Thanks to everyone who dragged their arses along, with a special mention to Doogie, Brian and his missus, Neil, Dee and Scott.
It was a proper laugh and I reckon me and Little Kunt might well go back and do the whole month next year, see how it goes!
2:14 PM
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