I totally have not written here in so long...it is crazy how life passes you by.


My new news:  I have enrolled in a correspondence interior design school.  I am very nervous, but excited.  Many fears have arisen...

On that front...I am tackling some of my own personal issues and it is stirring up fears and anxiety.  I hate dealing with the mess of myself...and it seems that...for a limited time...I can hide that mess really well...in a closed cupboard...shut to myself...and label it "Fixed."  The thing is I am never "fixed," nor will I ever be.  All I can be is me, mess and all...with skills that help me deal with the mess.

I can lie to myself very easily and say that it doesn't matter to me...that this messy person is OK to live with,  I'll just look out the window so I don't have to look at her.  But that's just it, it's a lie...I am not OK with my messy self.

I heard a great quote recently...
"If your done working on it, you're dead."

The other day I realized that I fall very easily into the Lucifer trap...I want to be perfect...someday I will reach that perfection.  I realized that I am trying to be like God...I can do it, I can handle it, I can be perfect.  Everyday it is a struggle for me to admit that though I can work on being better, trying for perfection would mean that I am just like Satan, wanting to be God and just not able.  In order to be close to God  I have to admit that I am not Him, that He can do things that I cannot do, I need His help...to live everyday.  I cannot do it on my own.

There is one last thing...this last week, I asked for support from my closest group of friends...it was a hard week for me with Mother's day and all.  It was very hard for me to ask for support...for help.  Only one person responded to that plea.  That hurts.

Love you all,
Gina