 |
I've been thinking a lot in the last few days. These thoughts have been troubling me far too much to keep it in, but it's also the type of thinking that is only comprehensible for the person, and inconceiveable to everyone else. So please bare with me. Sorry for any mistakes, I have no interest in rereading what I write, and this is a long blog, so if you actually get through it, let me know. I just might have to give you an e-five.
I was watching one of my favorite movies I Heart Huckabees, and though existentialism and philosophy in general has been a huge interest of mine for years, this (I call it a philosphical breakthrough) was something I hadn't fully understood. Well, I thought I had understood it but was never capable of relating it to a real life situation. In Jean-Paul Sartre's book Being and Nothingness, there is a section about about "existing for others" and this theory basically starts out by stating that we as people establish relationships with others based on how they make us feel (ie someone makes you laugh, triggers happy, you want to be their friend. Simple, right?) This made sense. We strive to make others feel good and expect to be treated well in return. We ultimately exist to serve others with the goal of serving our own pleasures.
However, up until recently this is what I believed to be true. I never thought it had a deeper meaning. How could something so simple be further expanded? Well, to my surprise, after reading about how we feed off of how other's treat us the first chapter is summed up by something which gave me this "breakthrough." This was something I hadn't read before. Bare in mind, this is an 800 page book with very few paragraph breaks and in tiny print. It requires far more patience than I have the time to give. Anyway, it established that not only do we exist for others, but it is because of these people that we experience things such as shame and humiliation. Without people present, such things as poking our nose or tripping in public wouldn't really effect us. We would pick up and move on. Dude to other's existing, there are such things as shame, guilt, anger, but amongst these feelings also exist happiness, laughter, etc. Without other people we cannot fully understand ourselves.
Where am I going with this, you ask? As I was saying, I was watching I Heart Huckabees and that film ALWAYS puts me in a "questioning"/philosophical mood. Call it what you will. I was reading a bit of my favorite section of Sartre's novel--which coincidentally is the inspiration to a play I've been writing titled The Existence of Others--when this dawned on me. Being a fan of existentialism, I understood the theories. However, this was the first time I heard the word nihilism in the dialogue of the film. This triggered something in me. Something I have recently experienced and to my surprise, was enlightening as opposed to heartbreaking.
I personally don't care if anybody knows the real story, but because this involves two people, it wouldn't be fair for the other person to be slandered in such a way, so I won't mention the actual situation, and we'll call this person *Randy. *Randy stumbled upon something I had posed, something I did as a joke, and took it offensively. He told me that what I did was immature. This was understandable. What BOTHERED me was the fact that *Randy thought he had the right to tell me how I should live my life, and that what I was doing was a waste of my time. This of course made me very angry, and eventually the anger turned into pain.
Examining *Randy merely based on his profiles online, being that we only knew each other through mutual friends though we'd been around each other before, I took him as a fairly intelligent guy. We had the same interest in films and novels and I thought we'd also shared the same outlook on life, considering he seemed to enjoy writing and music, as I enjoy writing and acting. We were artists and artists typically think the same way. After this, I concluded that *Randy was an egotistical asshole who felt his opinions needed to be vocalized like he was doing some favor upon the world, but really only pleasing himself. This theory got me through that horrible situation and allowed me to see light in the matter.
Nonetheless, there was that SOMETHING that triggered within me. Upon hearing the word nihilism, I instantly thought of *Randy--On his facebook, his religion is Nihilism. If you've seen I Heart Huckabees, I'm sure you'll instantly understand the ephiphany I had just encounted, if not I will walk you through it.
Nihilism (which is actually Latin for nothing) is the belief that the universe is cruel and life is ultimately meaningless. Existentialism implies that one defines their own meaning of life through their actions. Exist-life has meaning. Clearly two extremes, nihilism and existentialism. I've always settled with attempting to balance both extremes but choosing one isn't necessarily bad. Having too much of one without involving the other, however, is the path to your own downfall.
All this time, though I was aware the world can be cruel and occasionally I do deem it meaningless, I had always believed that I served purpose to the world. This is why *Randy was unable to accept my way of life as something that pertained to me and my definition of life, and why he insisted on telling me how I should live. This is also why I wasn't able to handle his criticism. I'd been so used to the light that I feared any disturbances of the dark, *Randy and his uncalled for remarks. We are opposing extremes, once parallel, now clashing.
Does this necessarily make *Randy a bad person? Simply because I was a victim of his opinions? Not at all. If anything, it united us. In the exact way that Sartre claimed it would. Our reactions to one another--the existence of one another--stirred and we, more than likely momentarily for him, but a burden for me, were one. We did exactly as humans do, existed to be shamed and set out to shame. I wasn't and am not ashamed of what I did, but I am glad it happened for it brought on a learning experience for me.
Why should I be loathe *Randy when the real problem wasn't him at all? This was internal. It lied within me and my fear to accept criticism. It may even serve a deeper meaning, perhaps I'm terrifed of failure and any negativity on the subject terrifie me? Maybe my desire to be liked by all shuns me from acceptance of such words? Who knows, but at least I'm now recovered. When I think of the subject, I no longer coil. I'm blessed with the epiphany I received and the chance to grow as a person.
This goes with anybody in any situation though. Why do we feel we have to hold grudges or hurt one another simply to make ourselves feel better? What's so hard about examining the problem and allowing yourself a personal improvement?
Without *Randy, I would not understand my own problem. I no longer hate him. My inner problem has been solved. Do I still approve of what he said of me? Not a chance. Simply because he aided in my own personal discovery still doesn't make what he said about me right, but I understand that being angry doesn't make him any less of a good person and me a better one. Belittling him doesn't make me a victim, and him a prey. We're the same.
So thanks *Randy. Doubt you'll read this, maybe not even agree, but at least I got it all out.
and thanks to whoever read this long blog!
12:10 PM
Powered by  | | English | | Albanian | | Arabic | | Bulgarian | | Catalan | | Chinese | | Croatian | | Czech | | Danish | | Dutch | | Estonian | | Filipino | | Finnish | | French | | Galician | | German | | Greek | | Hebrew | | Hindi | | Hungarian | | Indonesian | | Italian | | Japanese | | Korean | | Latvian | | Lithuanian | | Maltese | | Norwegian | | Polish | | Portuguese | | Romanian | | Russian | | Serbian | | Slovak | | Slovenian | | Spanish | | Swedish | | Thai | | Turkish | | Ukrainian | | Vietnamese |
|