hate my period. Period.

I hate blood. Period.

I hate when I bleed through and stuff gets all over my dick. And it messes me up in the head. Every time I sit to pull that string. It fucks up my brain. It's as if I'm confused by myself, when shouldn't I know me the best?

The truth is - I don't know me at all. I'm longing for a reference point.

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I slept with a man - as a man - for the first time a few weeks ago. Do I think I might be part of the 72% of transmen who are homosexual? No. But most certainly bisexual. The experience was incredible. And expressing that - my bisexuality - now, as male, seems so much more natural. Like it fits. Like it's me. New frontiers? Sex with a tranman? Who knows.

Did I tell you that I now have insurance and am so many steps closer to starting T?
You know what I'm afraid of? That the testosterone won't fix me. That I'll end up this jumbled mess of a person who is neither here nor there. But as I'm typing this, I can hear my mother's voice because I know she instilled that fear in me. I KNOW that the testosterone won't fix me. I know that therapy is something I have to continue to work through so many other things that have nothing to do with my transition. Maybe I'm scared that I'll get worse and not better. I don't know how to verbalize that. That isn't really the feeling that I'm looking to express. Let me think about this...

Thoughts on non monogamy? I want to say that i have so much to give that one person couldn't possibly receive it all. That's not really truly grasping my feelings about it. I just think it can work and the idea that you can get all of what you need physically, emotionally etc-ally from one person is seemingly incorrect to me. So many of my monogamous relationships have failed.
Someone said to me, "So who have you fucked so far?" And it isn't like or about that. I just would like to engage in the idea and I am.
There's more on this, but I think I'll stop here.

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I miss Paul.

I hate crying every 15 minutes because I can't find the pen I want to use, or a song lyric pierces through my heart. God, I feel like such a --- girl.

I miss Christie. Interesting how someone who was so much of me and my life can slowly fade to black. It's as if we just don't have much to say to another. I'm sure that I could keep that relationship going if I worked at it, but I think it would be one-sided.

That's all for now. Thank you for joining me