I turned twenty two earlier this month. I feel exactly the way I expected to... no different. It wasn't to be a year of definite moments where things became clear. No, it seems that this year the understanding would almost entirely be made through osmosis. So far on the calendar year everything that happened were things I've known about for some time but had somehow chosen not to acknowledge. It was a testament to the trial and error approach to my previous philosophy... in that one should test their brakes to make sure they are there. Put in another way... if you've ever wondered how worth while your efforts are put them to the test... just be ready for failure most of the time. Failure hasn't killed my spirits, though it hasn't renewed me in such a way as only a lie can. I know now what I was being childish about in my expectations and the child inside of me had to duck for cover in the face of total annihilation. Still, I speak. I work. I play. I dream. That's a victory for twenty two years. So many of the people I know don't dream anymore or somehow think that their happiness is something they'll have to beg for or steal away. Maybe they're right. But the only thing I don't want to start doing... that I see in the lives of those I know closely... is a tendency toward the mundane, the comfortable, the accepting, and the known. They think that their meaning lies in the things they know... whereas I know that my meaning lies in the things I have yet to know. Here I am at twenty two, as hopeful as a child; scarred by even my friends unintentional weapons, with the newly acquired hard shell of a grown man. Time to figure me out. Time to take time while I'm on the payroll. I won't wait for retirement for my promise. I can hardly wait any time. I'm refining myself this year, training, living better and stronger... getting ready for when I am alone again. So much of my life I'd had to enjoy alone, often because other people I know don't have the same goal or idea of beauty as I do or the money or the time or the guts... priority one is to find my social side this year, find those people again that inspire me and create a meaningful, deep, long lasting relationship. I've found it here and there in this life... from family to best friends current and long gone... but always as part of a world where they ruled and they controlled. I'm seeking out my own world to share and I must find it or otherwise risk losing the faith in the humanity I so often defend.

So what of my work life? It's good. I've got an easy job that lets me do whatever I want and get paid for it. I will never find a better job in my life in terms of freedom. In addition I think I will pursue more endeavors in the video world... since it seems this move would be the one of least resistance and maximum effect. Friendships? Some are good... I care deeply for a few and I think I am cared for deeply by a few. However I feel bored with my life and feel that those same people are also bored when they hang out with me. I don't currently offer them anything besides a twilight zone or movie viewing or lunch. These things are cool, but they're not the definition of a person. I must continue to find other things to do and reinvent these relationships that mean something to me. Same is true with my friends/family in Montana. Love is great... but its possible to love somebody and also be completely bored to tears by them if they aren't busy leading interesting lives. I fear this is true of me because I have thus far not made any real commitments of connection to those people I love but do not see often. The excuse is that I'll become something first and then I'll show 'em... but that day never comes and that never works. It is important not to forget to live, while your living.

One thing that has been persistent this year is this theme of juggling multiple schedules simultaneously. Often I will spend one day hopping around from my job at Telemundo, my video business and shooting work in the downtown area, then a quick movie or a lunch with a friend or alone, then back home where I watch tv and sleep. At work I will often read and juggle five different books at once, online I will have ten different tabs open with ten separate websites I'm looking through or researching... I've discovered the true ability to multitask this year and I'm not sure if its a power best left undiscovered. It feels like I'm covering a lot of ground, but I wonder if I'm stretching myself too thin. However, it seems if I'm ever going to cover the ground that I need to cover I need to be doing all these things at once.

Twenty one is over, the last year of supposed innocence... I have so much more to do.



Goals for this year:
*Stay fit (eating better, doing more, activity, fun, healthy)
*Learn things outside my comfort zone, beyond my world that has been made for me.
*Go back and learn everything I don't know/forgot about filmmaking and being a videographer.
*Write. And use writing to express my world to others. Write to learn.
*Pay off my small debts. Invest my money into promising futures and comfortable present times.
*Have relationships, both sexual and friend like, and learn what it means to be a part of the real world outside my head.