We're all of us driven by a need to do something, though most of our lives even the best of us can only manage to stand still and watch the world go round. It's a skill to be able to live each day to its fullest (and no not in the cliche way that every fortune cookie would tell you, but in the real honest to god way... the never lying to yourself way). Standing still can be productive, if one can manage to stand perfectly still, enough to stop consuming it all and acknowledge instead the chosen items that the particular person benefits from observing. I believe more and more that television is ultimately responsible for the deterioration of the former ruling generation. However, now with the on-demand content a person can instead pick from the vast and take what he wants, instead of what he is given. Now, from the buffet of information and images swirling around our heads we must remember to not be gluttonous... and instead take what we need. Something that we need is not always the same as what we think we deserve.

I hear an awful lot from people and from the advertising campaigns that aim to separate you from you money and by extension deplete your working hours of your life about what we deserve. Buy this ice cream, because after a long day of earning money you deserve to spend it all on what will get you to the next day. This is no longer sustainable living... its surviving... like back when we were cavemen. To survive a hard world you must spend money... to spend money you must earn money... to earn money you must brave the hard world... its a awful cycle that I want no part in any longer.
Sustainability... its the word that means independence. We're not all going to do it together, were not all going to do it in the same way... but when we reach the end we will be able to spend some time to talk about the road.



This year is about exiting from this freeway to nowhere for a road where one can drive their own path, and breathe a little. It's been an eye opening year. I've woken up from a haze that has been over my head my whole life. There is no reason that we don't do things that we need to do... any reason you can think of is not enough... No more surviving... instead lets sustain ourselves... in every way possible.... permanently... from renewable sources... not just green energy... our own energy. What we love will fuel us onward. I don't think I'm alone.

If you don't like your life... if you are caught up in this cycle... exit and start the process (whatever financial, educational or uncomfortable way it is for you).

Perhaps we should stop worrying about what we deserve and start thinking about what we need and what we want instead. If it isn't part of that then it shouldn't be in your schedule. There's simply no time not to live your life how you like it.

I work hard... very very hard... every day of my life... and I "deserve" to stand still whenever the fuck I want.

For some odd reason this world we've created keeps us moving and never questioning why we are moving... stopping is damn near impossible it seems... try it... its difficult. But we must be able to stop... and change course... and ultimately be happy. Happiness is the most important thing in the world. Fight for it.

What do I want/need... here's a list:

*To feel confident in my writing (on a national stage, for reals...).
*To keep learning FILM in books and keep working on sets for pay.
*To start productions on my film career/ body of work.
*To continue finding friends that are there when I need them, I care about and are interesting to do things with or do nothing at all with.
*To continue taking photography and bettering my imaging.


*To have a successful workflow in my Video Business, as well as continue to work with other video companies for pay.
*To travel and be able to travel.
*To meet and hang out with people of all sorts in Modesto, San Francisco and elsewhere.

*To continue to refine my video skills for gaining future work and confidence in my work.
*To know what love feels like... unfortunately I've never been in love... not sure why... to focused on other things I guess.
*Sustainability and to feel good about the things I do and the things I support (ie... no more wasting oil, resources, killing animals for food when its not necessary, eating buffets when so many go hungry.)
*Stay fit (eating better, doing more, activity, fun, healthy)... Do every activity I can...

There's an update. Just trying to do that. If I could only do that then, well like Tiny Tim sings... "I'd be Satisfied with Life"