some more old stuff written right before we finally ended our personal hell in '04. Note...I am much better now!!!!!!!!!!

emotional indifference is the cure for my past pains
I requested this common gift for the sake of my sanity.
but i wasn't always this way.
do not ask for me to change this plan
for I would not know how to go back.
the simple joys i seek do not exist in humans
but in nature alone.
I've even been deprived of this
and now I'm completely disconnected from all.
love and joy are mere creations of the mind.
suffering is always abound.
do not question my passiveness,
my inability to express feelings.
i have found them to be inconveniences
and more or less of an annoyance.
emotions are for the simple-minded,
the needy, and the weak.
I am none of the above.
but I wasn't always this way...
---------------
this chasm only grows wider
with each petty argument...
and after all this time
un-civility is still in your eyes.
the more we fight
the more i can see what you
really think of me--
the hatred never did subside.
you guise hatred with love
when i know 'love' never existed in you.
everything is so empty
without feeling
facaded with pointless conversations--
togetherness we never had.
I think I'm through
for I still haven't had time to heal
sadness has walked with me from the beginning
and will still be there at the end.
no one takes the time to understand.
your callousness was always unbecomming
being nurturing is non-existant to you.
to hurt,hide and destroy your only objective
to be with you brings only pain.
-------------------
my sense of humanity has died
i feel noting for these creatures that walk the earth
that deem themselves superior over everyone else
that claim their religion is better than anyone elses
where money rules everything
and everything is money.
how do you expect me to feel sorry for a race
that has no regard for itself?
that would sooner let an innocent die
than take the risk to save them?
no one has respect for another
rudeness prevails wherever you go
hostilities towards our fellow man run rampant
as we've become forced into the mentality of
'every man for himself'.
and it grows with each passing day.
these shallow, soulless, wastes of time and space---

      ---to just have the power to end it all.....

---------
i can't wait until you're nothing but
a nightmare memory
i can't wait until
you're out from under my skin
i can't wait
for the day you say goodbye
for I always saw it coming.

i can't wait for you
to get away from me
i can't wait to purge these thoughts
of the love we never had
i can't wait to smash
this cycle of hate
we've had for each other
we've been locked together in it
for too long.

the only thing constant about you
was your inconsistancy
your only truth
was your own lies.
the only thing you loved
was hate.
the only thing you cherished
was nothing.
demons were your only friends.

you've suffocated me for much too long.
tried to destroy me any way you could
everything I ever did was wrong in your eyes
I was something you needed to ruin, to hurt.
I became the reflection of your handiwork
and then had the nerve to ask me 'why'.

I never saw a future for us,
for there was never a present.
Love was always out of your reach
because that was the way you preferred it.
you can't always get want you want
since you deprived yourself of what you needed.

I will not tolerate this anymore.