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Just got back from Salt Lake City UTAH. These are my two observations: it's really beautiful there and the people really really like RULES! There are so many drinking laws there it's like living in a dorm. The club manager told me he thought the rules were in place because the Mormons try to control everyone in the state. I have no idea if this is true or not but the rules FEEL Mormony - like for example: You can only have one alcoholic beverage in your hand at a time. So say you're a comedian. And you just had two shows. And you and the other comedian really really want a couple drinks but it's about to be closing time. OH! And say you have a drinking problem. Just say it. Say your name, then say "I have a drinking problem" - ok -it's the first step. Now. Say that in order to feed this habit you ask the bartender for two of your favorite alcoholic beverages so you have enough to stop the shaking. And say the other comedian you're with has offered to buy these drinks so you really really want to take advantage of the offer. What will happen in this situation is you'll be turned down by the bartender. You won't just be turned down though - you'll almost feel chastised by him. He'll look at you sternly and say, "It's Utah law. You can't have more than 2 drinks at once". And then his eyes will scream at you, "You devil child! WHORE!!!!" Just his eyes though. So, do you know what this does? It does the OPPOSITE of what "they" want. Instead of saying, "Oh, alright - I guess I'll just have a respectable night with one cocktail and be on my way - and maybe go to church tomorrow!" NO! Instead you say, "I guess I'm gonna CHUG this drink so I can have another one in a second!" Then you get waaaay more drunk than you ever intended! THEN you end up sobbing in the other comedian's arms telling him every bad boyfriend story you've ever experienced and then you sing songs to yourself in your hotel closet. Ok - so maybe none of that happened, but Greg and I (the headliner I worked with) DEFINITELY drank faster in order to get our fill. There is even a funny moment when the waitress stands at your table with your new drink and waits and watches as you shlurp down the one you're trying to finish. It's so backwards!
In any case, the weekend was really fun. Two days is so easy and quick. It's better than a 6 or 7 day run at a club where by Saturday afternoon you feel like going to the front desk and asking them if there's anything you can do to help out. Room 64 need a vacuum?
On my way back I experienced instant kharma. I didn't have any small bills to tip my driver, so I just kinda walked away - and felt really really really bad about it. I didn't even explain why I did it - and I know he was feeling bad about it. I was sorta out of it and tired, but I should've at least asked him if he could break a 20. Don't know WHY I didn't - soooo hypocritical of me! Of all people! Right after I did that, the security lady at the gate took my moisturizer out of my 1 Quart plastic baggy and insisted it was too big. "It can only be 3.4 oz. This says 4 oz." There was like, 1/3 of the bottle full - so I said, "Can I show you there's clearly not 4 oz of liquid in there?"
Security lady in too tight pants: "NO! It doesn't matter - the bottle says 4 oz".
A perfectly calm me: "Well, can I have it back so I can open it and show you?"
The irrational security guard: "NO! You can't touch it or open it."
A slightly perturbed me: "Aren't I allowed to put it in my checked baggage?"
Security lady that probably used to be a man: "We'll do it for you if that's what you want."
A very hung over, tired me: "Can you open it??? So YOU can see there isn't 4 ounces in there" A woman abusing what little power she has: "NO! We will NOT!" .
A very bitchy me: "I DON'T HAVE CHECKED BAGGAGE."
The winner of this argument: "THEN HOW WOULD WE PUT IT IN THERE??"
A girl fighting a losing battle: "I was just testing you to see if I could hold it again".
Yes I lost, but I think she was lying here people. I think I have a right to my bottle of moisturizer back, but you can't win once a bitchy lady puts her polyester uniform on. She feels like she's the BOSS and this is probably the only area she has power in, so I let her have it. I said, "Fine - throw it away or better yet - take it home - it's for crows feet you could use it." I totally didn't say that but I THOUGHT IT!!
After that I got a middle seat and sat next to a lady that threw up on the take off AND the landing! She refused my offer of gum several times - but really really wanted to turn to me and explain how she always gets sick during take offs and landings and has for years. Oh how I wish her story didn't have any "H's" in it - but it was loaded with them. I eventually just turned my head away and looked out the window and nodded until she was done. My punishment for not tipping that poor taxi driver guy. I deserve it!
So now I'm back in LA and ready to hit the pavement. I work 6 shifts in a row this week - whoohhooo! Welcome BACK!
See you on the other side people. This has been a nice chat but I feel like I dominated the conversation a little. What have you been up to?
1:09 AM
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