To all the people of Runcorn, I am truly regretful that we could not play a gig for you tonight. It's the first one we've ever cancelled in all our years, so there must be a good reason, right? Well, I've got the laryngitis and I literally can't utter a tone. This happened because I caught a common cold, then did loads of shouting at the other gigs. Don't you think it's strange that it also happened right after we did a Halloween party in a sacred Christian chapel? Also, my bookcase fell off the wall and I got electrocuted by fairy lights. Are you telling me this is all coincidental? Anyways, Georgia and Sarah are pretty mad with me. They think I let you down, Runcorn.

To all our people in Norwich, I am coming to town tomorrow, preceded by an eerie silence. I hope I can sing. I won't know until I'm on the stage. If not, the Scraps are going to play instead. Or we could do a karaoke set. Maybe we'll do both.

This is totally rubbish and I'm really really sorry to everybody e v e r y w h e r e, but especially Runcorners for now.

amoré and mercy from Russell L. DESASTRERO
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