OBJECTIVE:         Professional with wide range of experience seeking a position commensurate with aptitudes.

EDUCATION:        Bachelor of Arts in English/Journalism

                           University of Delaware

                           Graduated GPA of 3.0 on a 4.0 scale with minors in History
and Philosophy

EXPERIENCE:        Haberdasher, January 1995 to December 1995

                            The Finer Things Men's Shoppe, London, UK

                            •   Retail dealer in men's furnishings, such as shirts, ties, gloves, socks and hats. You know, general haberdashery.

                             Scrivener, January 1996 to December 1997

                                        Self-Employed, Washington, D.C.

                             •    A professional copyist. Reclaiming this lost art form from the dastardly Herr Gutenberg.

                                     Privateer, January 1998 to December 1999

                             Jack's Bait and Piracy, Various locations throughout the Caribbean

                             •   General piracy and occasional swashbuckling.

Fishmonger, January 2000 to December 2000

Ahab's Seafood Wholesaler, San Francisco, CA

                                •    Distribution and direct sales of fish and the like.

Roustabout, January 2001 to December 2002

Circus Smerkus, Omaha, NE

•  Assisted with the setting up and taking down of tents and general maintenance of animals, equipment and grounds.

Snake Oil Salesman, January 2003 to December 2006

Potions, Elixirs and Salves, Inc., Tulsa, OK

                            •  Direct marketing of various liquid concoctions of   questionable medical value sold as an all-purpose curative. Specializing in the duping of morons, idiots, blockheads, halfwits, simpletons and imbeciles.

HOBBIES:                   •      Muckracking
                              •      Burgermeisting
                                •      English muffins