We lost my husband in october of 2006. Every since then I have been doing my best to just keep going and survive.  Latley I am tryng to put the peices of my life back together and figure out who I am. It took me a very long time after losing my husband to realize that I have to find a way to be me again. It is still something I struggle with every day but I am really working on it. Its so hard not sit here all day looking back and just want what I had back. Trying not to get stuck in that picture and then get stuck in the regret that it isn't there any longer. I realized that if I keep sitting here thinking what I had was so great and I am so sad for what I lost and how can I ever be happy again? Do I really want to be happy again? The truth is for a while and still somedays... I dont think I wanted to be happy and sometimes I feel guilty when I do feel happy. Thats a hard thing to say out loud . BUt it is true. For a while I did not want to be happy ...not really. If you asked me of course I would say I just want to be happy again. But that is not the same as saying I want to pick up the peices of my shattered world and find a way to take the peices that can be salvaged and rebuild. Thats what I want now and am striving for. Some days though I still get caught up in the memories and making myself sad sitting around reading old letters and looking at pictures crying and watching videos just to remind myself of how happy I was and that I will never be that happy again. Its a every day struggle but I really feel like I am making progress. A several months ago someone said to me that I needed to figure out who I was. AT the time I really didnt understand I thought I knew who I was I was a loving mom and a wife I was all the memories my husband and I had shared and every great thing I do for my kids....But I was wrong that was only a part of who I am. I am a person with all kinds of interests that I actually forgot about. I have been taking time to watch all those movies I used to like and even some new ones that I thought I wouldnt just to see. I cant travel now but I can go on the internet and see all the places I have always wondered about. It has really been great getting to know my self all over again and to realize the things that have grown and changesd in me through the years that I was too busy to notice. I still miss my husband like crazy and still have days where all I want to do is sit around and think about him dreaming of what we had. But I feel so much better on the days when I try to live the life that I have now, it may not be perfect, what I expected or even fair but it is the life I have so I am going to do everything in my power to make it better. A friend said to me.. "Dreaming is for cowards, real men of the world risk being killed in the action in the game of life." That could mean lots of different things but to me it ment. I needed to stop sitting around Dreaming about what I had and find a way to live the life I have now even if it is hard.  That will never mean forgetting the life I had and how blessed I was. That would never happen  Jason will always be a part of us.
 I know I can  do this its not going to happen overnight or own its own it takes work. I dont really beileve that time heels all wounds I think you have to want it badly enough and then go out and fight for it.