Recently, I had a pre-mid-life crisis...I woke up one day and said, 'What am I waiting for?'...I drove 4 hours to buy my 1st puppy....I drove him another 4 hours home...that was the easy part....
For 9 days, I had this puppy....He is beautiful, I mean honestly, beautiful...he wants nothing but attention...he stays locked up all day, and you feel bad in the back of your mind, that he's alone, but, you get home, and he's happy....he wants to play, and bite and pee constantly....there was nothing wrong with any of this, except that, it didn't fill the void that I feel every single day..
My pre-mid-life crisis, was because I feel very, very alone...I have not had a serious relationship, one that has made me truly feel that feeling...you know which one...like everything in the world is right...like nothing, not even the worst day, can be that bad, because you have someone that will help make you see that things could be worse...I haven't had that in a very, very long time....I bought this puppy, this beautiful puppy, because I thought that maybe, just maybe, I'd feel loved, and not so alone...I'd work 10 hours, and get home, wanting a little me time, but, I had a puppy wanting a lot more of my me time than I knew I even had to give...I was tired, and am tired, and realized that my heart couldn't leave him, and so I'd stay right there with him, loving him, and making sure he knew he wasn't alone, since I have felt so alone, and as a result, I realized that I wasn't getting anything accomplished....I was getting to work late, I was tired before I even started, I had even gone out to walk him, in the rain, with a cold front, wearing boxers and a shirt that I don't think any of the public should ever see...I hadn't done laundry, hadn't bought groceries, barely took any time to eat, because he needed me...I wouldn't say he ran my household, but, I would say my heart has a lot of love to give, but it would also be nice to have another person there, to help keep that love balanced...
Ultimately, this beautiful puppy had my heart, but, then I noticed that there is very little grass around my apartment...I've never seen a puppy so excited for a tiny patch of grass that I was finally able to find, around my apartment complex...I knew then, no matter how much love I could give him here, that he needed land...he needed more freedom to run around, and to grow...As a result, my pre-mid-life crisis puppy, has gone to a home with a bigger yard, and just as big hearts: my Big Bro & Sis-in-Law...He will have not only a bigger yard, but he will have a Big Brother, Chones...it ends up, they are brothers, truly, and, I couldn't think of a better ending....or maybe its a beginning...
Though I'm alone again in my apartment, I have learned so much about myself in the last 9 days...I have felt every single emotion: excitement, anxiety, love, frustration, anger, patience, disappointment, failure....I have felt it all...I have been torn on my decisions, all of them, and yet, I regret nothing...I know now, that though alone, I'm going to be okay....I know that I want a puppy again one day, but, I want someone to share that with....I want someone to be there for me, like I was there for the puppy...to share getting up early when the puppy needs to go out, to play with the puppy, when I'm too tired to even eat....to be there for ME....my crisis wasn't so much about this puppy, it was about me as well...I often put myself last, behind work, behind others, and I have been confused about how to proceed in my life, being so alone. I never thought that at almost 30 years old, I'd be alone...feel so alone, but, I am. I try everyday, to make the best of it...(I'm only glad my pre-mid-life crisis was a puppy, and not a tattoo or drug experimentation)...I try to take care of myself, educate myself, and to be a better person...I work on my faith, and try everyday to be okay with not quite knowing what God has planned for me, but, its hard...My apartment is quiet, my life is lonely, but I know now, that one day, God will fill the void...I have to remain patient, and faithful, that's all...
I miss my puppy, but, I know that he loves me, and so does God, and I hope that whatever it is I am here for, will soon fill the void in my life....this is just the beginning...thank you puppy, for that...
Update: The puppy, who is named Jigs, is now living in Bandera, TX with my parents, and I couldn't be happier, and either could he. :)