My wife insists on watching the Evening news to make sure she is as worried as humanely possible about things that are out of her control.

The other night a mulatto newswoman with a crew cut and no accent or sexuality told us that a child born today will cost you over One Million Dollars to raise through college age. All women should be aware of this data to inform any big decisions they may be faced with in the coming year. Because no woman should have to walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung low feeling ashamed. After all, you just saved a Million Dollars! You should come out of there jumping up and down, pumping your fist. You're a winner!

My wife's other addiction is "American Idol". The genius of A.I. is that in this early part of the season, they show you thousands of complete losers. By the time you see the finalists, it seems as if they are talented by comparison. But it's not really about talent, is it? It's about good TV. They've got to fill all the character slots: The Military guy with one more chance before going off to battle, the overweight girl who's got soul, the clearly gay guy who sings about women and pretends to have a girlfriend cheering for him (who also sews sequins onto his jumpsuit), and of course the rebellious rocker who doesn't play by the rules (but does sign up for network reality shows).

Paula Abdul has gotten into a lot of trouble this season. First she appeared inebriated during some interviews. I don't blame her. If I knew I was about to sit through a month of watching mental patients sing Madonna's "Borderline", I might tip back a few cocktails as well. I'd have a crack pipe welded to my right hand. Fox claims it is a misunderstanding. The audio feed was off and she was just tired. I'm on board with that. If Fox says it's true, then it's true. This is Fox we're talking about people.

Paula also claimed that she sold over 50 million records, when in fact she has sold less than 30 million records. What she meant was that she personally sold another 20 million as a cashier at Tower Records before making her comeback on American Idol.

The worst thing to ever come across a television screen is "Deal or No Deal". If you are wondering why people are flying planes into our buildings, check out "Deal or No Deal" one night. It is everything that is wrong with this country. Fat people from the Mid-West stand on stage and turn down more money than they will ever see in their lives as their moronic families stand off stage and scream encouragements to them. "No deal" they scream defiantly. "Because I'm an American Godamnit! It is never enough! I deserve more!" In the background stand 26 bulimic coke whores who hold briefcases stuffed with cash. As each reveals the amount inside her case, she flashes a smug smile that says, "I've drank champagne worth more than this you wretched fatass."

If the producers of this show want to syndicate it, they will need to make it resonate with the rest of the world. They'll have to replace the coke whores with actual starving Third World Children clinging to the cash cases. Real starving kids; distended bellies, flies buzzing around their heads. When the talent-less, brain-dead Americans scream "No Deal" in the poor kids' faces, the children just weep and think, "That would have fed my entire village for a year".

Or they could keep the coke whores, but place mustard gas into one of the cases and just wait for the carnage. I think the rest of the world might get a kick out of watching lazy entitled morons and narcissistic models squirm around in their coughed up entrails. Zoom in on Howie Mandell trying to save his own ass by pulling a rubber glove over his face like he did 20 years ago when he still wasn't funny. But you can't Howie. It's too late. This ain't St. Elsewhere.


Thanks for reading my Blog all week. I hope I have made you all feel better about yourselves and America.

God Bless.

Greg