About four weeks ago...
Terry: "It must be you."
Me: "Huh? What are you talking about?"
Terry: "None of this shit happens to me. When I go out, I go out, I do what I need to do, and I go home. You go out and all types of shit happens to you."
That stoy involves a gas station, some nachos, and a PIN nmber gone wrong. I'll tell that story at some future date. Right now, though, I'd like to chronicle the past 36 hours of my life, because apparently, I don't even have to leave the house. Adventure somehow finds me.
At 9:33 AM Saturday morning,, I received a text message on my phone which brought an end to the fiasco from the night before. Something to the effect of blah blah blah, delete my number from your phone, blah blah blah.
Protip: Telling somebody who only uses the address book in his phone for Caller ID purposes only is pretty pointless.
Thing is, I didn't get out of bed until 11 AM. Oh well. I logged onto AIM and saw that my guy in said situation with me was online, and I already knew that said chick that sent me that text message already blew up his phone. I immediately IMed him, and the information I learned from that conversation immediately sent me into serious depression.
Essentially what I was told is that not am I completely worthless when it comes to talking with women, but it's also blatantly obvious to all parties involved that I'm terrible. Personally, I don't know why I try anymore.
Protip: If you're depressed, being alone is the WORST possible thing that can happen to you.
I determined at that point that I was going to stop being a failure at everything. I found some new surge of determination and resolve, and I managed to channel that into cleaning my room and the kitchen, two things which I nearly NEVER do. I also determined that I was going to stop bullshitting in the weightroom...
Adaml00001..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = AIM /><..timestamp> (1:00:12 PM): I'm suddenly in the mood to bench 225 lbs
BookerX3<..timestamp> (1:00:16 PM): lmao
So from now on, failure is not an option for me. Oh, yeah, at that point, I was also feeling pretty Anti-Woman...
Adaml00001<..timestamp> (12:45:20 PM): my pride is broken
Adaml00001<..timestamp> (12:46:24 PM): I think jay-z was right
BookerX3<..timestamp> (12:46:24 PM): bout wat
Adaml00001<..timestamp> (12:46:48 PM): "money over broads, you got it, fuck bush"
BookerX3<..timestamp> (12:46:44 PM): lol damn straight
And so, at that point, I was determined to live my life without women. Not that that would be any change from how I am currently, but I wouldn't be worried nor obsessed with the fact that they exist and I don't have a special lady in my life.
Of course, still being horribly depressed after being put on blast, I had to do some other things. I played some poker online, and was getting blasted left and right. Fortunately, my roommate came home and brought some much-needed sanity back to my world. Comedy from him, and random Brett Favre beasting on TV brought me up to an acceptable mood. Then Terry started cooking up hamburgers...
Me: "So can I fry one up?"
Terry: "Go ahead."
Me: "Do I just turn the stove on and just let it go?"
Terry: "Yeah."
So I turned the stove on to medium heat and just let the burger fry up. After a few minutes, I went to flip the burger over, and...
Well, I almost burned my face off. Some sort of pillar of fire almost caught my face because the grease caught fire or something. Hell, I dunno. So I ran around screaming and swearing at Terry for leading me wrong. It was quite humorous. But the burger was good. I then booted up a good ol' poker tournament to enjoy while I feasted festively on my festive burger with wheat bread instead of actual buns.
During that time, I got some, uh, text messages talking about hot lesbian sex going down on my couch. I was promised free beer and/or pizza. So I got free pizza, beer, Pepsi, and a 12-pack of Dr Pepper (which is almost gone in less than 24 hours...we need more drinks around here).
It was at this point that I discovered that the MMORPG named "World of Warcraft" (WoW for short) is consuming everybody's lives, even people who you wouldn't normally expect it to.
I wake up the next morning, head over to church, and get denied my normal lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, only to be replaced by donuts. Fat-inducing, sinfully delicious donuts. I wept a little on the inside as I ate a chocolate donut. Then, the next impossible-to-see-coming thing happened:
"Adam, do you remember how to do this?"
One of the high-school kids walked up to me and handed me a worksheet.
Me: "Is this...Biology?!"
I was looking at a worksheet about Punnett squares. Freaking Punnet squares. I haven't seen Punnet squares since 9th grade (about 8 years ago). But, of course, I had to play hero and tutor while stuffing my face with said donut.
My mom sees me doing this and comes by and says, "Son, you're doing a good job." She then grabs the top of my shoulder and squeezes. If you've watched WWE in recent memory, you might've seen Umaga or The Great Khali doing this. It's a "move" designed to 1) be extremely painful, and 2) cut off circulation to your arm.
Let me be the first to tell you that it works. And it is painful.
Ah well. I think I've finished rambling now, so I'm gonna go ahead and figure out what I want to eat, seeing as how I was supposed to eat dinner about three hours ago.