Me:  "So, I've been meaning to write some new blogs lately, but I've been lazy and unmotivated."
Jackie:  "Well, you know, if you actually wrote more, it would probably be easier."

Touche, pussycat.  By the way, it's amazing what a random day off will do for you (yay three-day weeks and lots of snow!)

Now, on to our regularly scheduled random thoughts.

1.  Random memories 109372-109884:  We had fun adventures at the house my parents affectionately refer to as "1601".  See, in my family, my parents referred to all the houses/apartments that we lived in by their street numbers:  i.e. "5310" (two blocks west of "1601", their current residence), and "2338" which was in Chicago, etc.  Anyway, the front porch alone of my house holds so many stories.  For example:
  -The day when Booker came over requesting one of those Lil' Hug juices that used to be a 'hood staple.  I refused to give him one, and left him standing on the front porch.  As I closed the door, I saw him sitting down and heard, "We shall overcome, we shall overcome..."  Moments later, I returned with a juice in hand.  I gave it to him and heard proclamations of "We overcame!  We overcame!"
  -The day Time And A Half, Inc. was born.  It's also the reason why Sheridan, Jermell, and I aren't allowed in the same place at the same time.  Bad things go down.
  -The day Sheridan and I were playing chess on my front porch, and my brother Anthony showed his face at the front door.  Moments later, I was getting a mudhole stomped in me.  Sheridan couldn't stop laughing.
  -The day Sheridan tried to ask my mom if he could come inside...
  Sheridan:  "Can I come inside?"
  Mom:  "NO!" 
  The ensuing door slam reverberated throughout the entire neighborhood.

2.  Booty butt, booty, butt, booty butt CHEEKS!

I've finally figured out why black men are ass men:  go for what you know, work with what you got, and take what you're given.  Just look at the typical black female's anatomy and you'll see what I mean.

3.  The Hair Up There

Random, random text I got from Sheridan a few days ago, and the conversation that ensued:

Sheridan:  "So, what would you rate Rihanna?"
Me:  "Pre- or post-bob?"
Sheridan:  "The hair matters?"
Me:  "Absolutely!"

A little backstory:  Sheridan and I have been down this road before.  He really doesn't believe hair matters when rating a woman.  I believe it's of the utmost importance.  That being said, I knew I was going to piss him off with what I was going to say next:

Me:  "Pre:  7.5/10.  If she had boobs, it'd be higher.  Post:  5/10."
Sheridan:  "I can understand the 7.5, but 5?  Come on, man.  Why?"
Me:  "Simple.  For one, I believe the bob is the stupidest hairstyle known to mankind, but women love it for some reason.  Two, she needs bigger boobs.  Three, and most importantly, I believe that no human being should be the color of a penny.  Ever."

Seriously, look at her.  She looks like she should have a picture of Lincoln stamped somewhere on her body. 

4.  I have a sudden hankering for chocolate chip cookies.  Like, for real.  It's bad.  Figures it would happen right after I go to the grocery store and make a conscious decision to eat healthy (for real this t me) after eating a week straight of McDonald's and noticing a huge drop in mobility and energy.  Now I know how the average nigga feels.  That reminds me...

5.  "Mom, I'm 22, not 42."

Last Saturday, my mother calls me...

Me:  "Hi, Mom."
Her:  "Hey, son.  How are you doing?"
Me:  "Tired."
Her:  "Why's that?"
Me:  "Oh, I haven't been sleeping well or eating well over the past week or so."
Her:  "Well, you know, you're getting older now, and your body's starting to change..."
Me:  "Mom, I'm 22, not 42.  I'll be fine."
Her:  "Alright son, we'll I'll talk to you later."

Not thirty seconds later:

Me:  "Hello?"
Mom:  "Why don't you go up to that medical place on US30 and get a physical?"
Me:  "[i]WHAT?![/i]"

Every single time I talk to her, she comes up with something absolutely incredulous.  I'm in perhaps the best physical shape of my life (even if I haven't been going to the gym consistently like I'm supposed to), and she wants me to go get checked out?

...moving on.

6.  The Paradox Brothers (Gate Guardian FTW!)
  Even though it really doesn't seem like it from the way we talk to each other about women (it's more like arguing), but Sheridan and I think a lot alike sometimes.  Consider this random text from out of nowhere:

Sheridan:  "I've decided that older women are much better than their younger counterparts."

My first thought was wondering if he was entering MILF territory, but I was pretty sure that wasn't the case.  However, just to be safe...

Me:  "I'm gonna need some numbers here."
Sheridan:  "22-32 years old."
Me:  "I'll grant you 24, but definitely not 22.  I was actually thinking 26 myself."

Sure there are mature young women out there, but they're the exception, not the rule.  It usually takes a woman until the age of 26 to realize all the guys she looked over in search of a good time are the men that she really needs in her life.

Just sayin'.

7.  The Phraselator

So, supposedly, the LAPD has invented this new device called the Phraselator.  Its main goal is to translate a whole plethora of phrases into a whole bunch of languages.

Now, if you actually look at that, there's so many things wrong with that.  First of all, it's the LAPD.  The last thing they were ever famous for was beating the hell out of a black man with nightsticks.  Secondly, there's only three languages spoken in LA:  Ebonics, Spanglish, and Hollywoodese.  Let's take a look at what a few of these would look like in practical use:

Ebonics:

  -"Come out with your hands up" --->  "Nigga, get yo' black ass out here!"
  -"You have the right to remain silent..." etc.  --->  "Nigga, you goin' to jail!"
  -"We'll strike a plea bargain with you."  --->  "You're going to go to jail regardless.  We just want to see if you'll snitch on your friends so we can put more of your kind in prison."

Spanglish:

  -"Come out with your hands up" --->  "It's over, holmes.
  -"You have the right to remain silent..."  --->  "Once we find out you don't have a green card, we will, uh, deportar you, uh, a Mexico."
  -"We'll strike a plea bargain with you."  --->  "Because you're an illegal immigrant, we can just pretend this whole thing never happened."

Hollywoodese:

  -You can say anything here and it'll be translated to "We'll just put you in rehab for a few weeks and everything will be okay."  Unless, of course, you're Isaiah Washington.  First of all, I didn't know you could be put in rehab for saying "fag".  Secondly, they played him dirty.

Isaiah:  "Well, guys, I finished rehab and I'm ready to go back to work."
ABC:  "Gotcha, bitch!  You're fired!"
Isaiah:  "...Bitch-ass niggas."

8.  The more you try the eraser...

So Kanye west just added Rihanna, Lupe Fiasco, and N.E.R.D. to the second half of his current tour.  Normally, this wouldn't be too muc news, except that it means that Kanye, Lupe, and Pharrell get to finish working on the greatest album of all time...

Alright, I've got McDonald's and WoW...I gotta get outta here.  Until next time, adios.