A - DIFFERENCES THAT LEAD TO PROBLEMS IN A RELATIONSHIP

1 – Differences in Family Life (how (and the environment in which) one was raised)
2 – Differences in Personality
3 – Differences in Values (religious, personal, life/point of views)
4 – Difference in Sex (male vs female)

These 4 differences stand as the root(s) to ALL the problems and issues that arise in a relationship. However, these differences will stand no matter who the person may be as we are ALL different. The argument that stands is not to find someone who is similar to you (although it does make things easier) but to be willing to work through the differences!

**NO difference is too great to overcome.

•Get used to the idea that you will HAVE to change in a relationship.

•We believe that if we change, we stop being ourselves but this is NOT true.

•We have to keep in mind that we are changing because we NEED to change. Changing to make a relationship work does not mean we are changing for our partner, we are changing to be better for "us." (ourselves as well as the relationship)

•Change must be worked at on a DAILY BASIS! It will not happen magically. Change will come for BOTH of the partners, but we have to deal with our partners openly and in the best manner possible despite our differences.

B - TIPS FOR YOUNG RELATIONSHIPS (boyfriend/girlfriend courtship)

-LET GO OF THE PAST. PERIOD.

-Forget the ex-girlfriends/boyfriends; by holding on to memories of them you are giving them a place in your heart; but your heart has to be given in its entirety to the one you are with!

-If you broke up for good reasons, FORGET YOUR EX. If there was an honest reason for the relationship to end do not feel bad! Forget the "good-times" as they will bring heartache, comparisons and problems to your current relationship.

-To avoid problem's each partner has to be cleansed of their past and any wrong-doings they may have endured so as not to cause issues in the current relationship. (comparing to past relationships, jealousy because of old break-ups, etc)

-Two hearts have to be close to each other in order for a relationship to work; for there to be honest conversations and discussions. Arguments and fights are a result of two hearts that have drifted apart for various reasons, usually caused by the physical separation of a couple.

Offenses left unresolved in a relationship cause deep wounds that are difficult to heal.

-We HAVE to take care of our problems with our partner at their beginning!

-Issues and offenses must be dealt with openly and on time. It will hurt to discuss at the moment but it is easier to handle while the offense is still new.

-Offenses in a relationship are like physical wounds. IF LEFT UNTREATED THEY BECOME INFECTED, THEY GROW, THEY LEAD TO BIGGER HEALTH RISKS SUCH AS AMPUTATION (BREAKING UP.)

*An unresolved offense, or wound, only leaves room for anger and hatred.

C - FORGIVENESS is the key element to close the path for anger and to stop the "infection" of a wounded relationship.

FORGIVENESS LIBERATES THE OFFENDER FROM THEIR OFFENSES.

Forgiveness – recognizes pain.

-Recognize the other person's pain.
-NEVER justify your wrong-doings.
-Accept the fact that you hurt your partner.*
-Identify with their pain.

*To accept the fact that you have hurt a person (your partner) does not mean that you necessarily agree with their point of view, but can accept the fact that your actions did hurt them.

*To be able to forgive, one must first know how to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness.

D - STEPS FOR FORGIVENESS. – for those who are HONESTLY sorry and are seeking forgiveness.

1 - I AM SORRY
2 - I MADE A MISTAKE (be specific! No general pardons or excuses, state exactly what you did wrong!)
3 - I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU AGAIN
4 - DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
(the partner then states)
5 - I FORGIVE YOU FOR…
6 - NOW THAT I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU, THIS ARGUMENT IS CLOSED AND IT WILL NOT BE BROUGHT UP AGAIN.

**Both partners need to realize that BOTH of them have made mistakes and that they BOTH need to seek honest forgiveness for their offenses if a relationship is to work.


***food for thought - Ellen G. White states that if we truly humble ourselves and are completely honest we need no more than 5 minutes to truly forgive one another.