Todays recipe is inspired by your unconscious yearning and more importantly the obstacles (namely the other parent) you need to overcome to get there

First of all, choosing the correct parent. If you are healthy growing boy, the father will be your ticket to a delicious meal, whilst if you happen to be a blossoming young woman, its your mother that's on the menu tonight.

Now you'll need to render the parental figure unconscious, either with a strike to the head with a heavy blunt object (don't hit too hard or you'll ruin the meal!) or if you're able to get your hands on it, chloroform will work a treat.

Tie the parent firmly to a chair, ensure all knots are strong so that any thrashing movements will not loosen the ropes.

Make an incision on the upper thigh (try not to make it too deep as severing a major artery so soon will, whilst not ruining the meal, make the whole ordeal less enjoyable.) and cut around the lateral circumference of the thigh. Get your fingers into the incision deep enough to reach into and under the subcutaneous fat layer and then peel back the skin to reveal the muscle tissue underneath.

Hopefully Mummy or Daddy will be conscious by this point, though gagging will be necessary to avoid any interference from the authorities. Now cut into the muscle tissue and tear off small strips as to stir-fry with, wash the off in water as there will be a lot of blood - I should have made the point earlier, but you may want to tourniquet the leg above the initial cut, this will delay the death of the parent and (hopefully) keep them conscious to see you eat their flesh, therefore demonstrating to them that their body, their very being , is nothing more than shit to you- as you will be (through the process of digestion) turning their body into just that- shit.

COOKING TIME

10 minutes (short to take into account the brevity of the main ingredient)

INGREDIENTS (serves 4)

• 1 1/2 tbs peanut oil
• 500g stir-fry strips
• 1 red capsicum, cut into thin strips
• 1 stalk lemongrass, white part only, finely chopped
• 4cm piece fresh ginger, thin sticks
• 3 garlic cloves, crushed
• 1 1/2 tbs soy sauce
• 1 1/2 tbs sweet chilli sauce
• 1 tbs lime juice
• 2 cups bean sprouts
• 1 cup fresh coriander leaves
• Steamed jasmine rice, to serve

METHOD

1. Add 1 tbs of oil to a wok on high heat. Add half the strips and stir-fry for 1-2 mins. Repeat with remaining strips.
2. Heat remaining oil over mediumhigh heat. Add capsicum, lemongrass, ginger and garlic. Stir-fry for 2 mins. Add soy sauce, sweet chilli sauce and lime juice. Toss well.
3. Return strips and toss through. Remove from heat and toss in half the coriander. Serve with remaining coriander, and rice.