Okay so in a world where my little sister has a myspace and this used to be where I posted thoughts for my inner circle to read I dont know what to really do with this now... life is hard, if that is any lesson I have learned recently... life is not easy and sometimes in life you feel as if you are making only wrong descions.  Like you never pick the right thing or option.  Can you really be with someone just because you love them or does there have to be more than that.  I dont think I am being to demanding in saying Cliff and I should live together but he seems to so every time we talk about anything right now I feel very tense.  Very Very tense... like I am just going to snap at him about the whole thing.  When it comes down to it i think in a lot of ways hes just not ready for what I bring to the table.  Take Reno for example... The only time he chose to spend with me on what was supposed to be a fun trip for us was comming home drunk after gambling.  I dont know really where to place that in my files.  He has no real responsibility nor any want for it.  I am just a big tidal wave of responsibility all the time.  I have a child, a career, hopes and asspirations for life... he just doesnt want or have those things... He is not into that in the same way I am... Last night Alexis lost a tooth and he has no way of understanding that her interruption to his tv watching is not a bad thing.  On an off day i miss having a partener in my life who was more accepting of me and my child... He sometimes just seems to want the just me version of things... and thats not going to happen for us.  I want to marry him I just get so frustrated at his behavior.  Sometimes I wish he just understood the things that are important to me are not going to change no matter what happens I am going to be who I am.  He is so afraid of the slightest hint of restraint or responsiblity it is fucking mindboggleing.  It hurts my head just to think about it.  I hate it because no matter how much you love someone that creeping thought is always there that he is not ready for what I am and the responsibility that comes with me and my life.  He doesnt understand that the time I have to live what I have been handed is always on a ticking clock... If I want another child I gotta do it soon.  If I am going to finish school better get it done.  If I am going to be the best parent I can better work on that on a daily basis.  He only sees as far as cliff can see and a lot of times thats pretty short sighted and that scares me...