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Category: Life
I guess just lately I have felt different... maybe its the 30... maybe its the life change... maybe its the marriage... I suppose a lot has changed... but I feel different like in my soul sort of if that makes sense... Like all the time I used to look at people who were older than me who seemed to have their shit together and wondered if I would ever get there and I feel like I am gettining there... I feel like if I just work hard at things they pay off... and lately I find myself being more patient with people in general...
And yet I have developed a sort of paranoia with it all... like I have become waayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy less trusting of people and way less giving. I find that I no longer take people at face value... I always see a motive behind what everyone says and does and I sorta don't like that ya'know. I think that basic innocense that I have always carreid seems to has given in to a sorta of jaded optimism. Not everyone in ones life is innocent untill proven guilty. Some are always guilty of having their own agenda and dont mind screwing everyone in the process and in some ways that has corrupted my thinking.
I used to take people at face value and I am finding myself doing so less and less... I wait it out more now... Don't get me wrong... I have always been the kind of person that, if provoked, will smile in you face and stab you in the back so fast you dont even feel the knife go in. I am a devious bitch if you fuck with me... or my friends... or my family... Not that I am all hard and gangster, cause I know Im not... I suppose more the kind of person that manipulates people and situations to ruin someones day or year or life or whatever... however that used to be reserved (in my book at least) for the super worst of the worst in my life, but here of late I have found myself seeing most in that way and it pains me....
I never really got screwed over till the past year or so I suppose... I just went day to day believing everyone was good at heart even if you had to pull it out of them and often now I find myself believing that not to be true.
I think everyone has a good nature, but they often choose to benifit themsevles even at the expense of others and that hurts me inside ya know....
ANyway I just feel super off my niceness lately and that sux cause I like myself for my niceness...
4:14 AM
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