Hey to all who read.
Well, it's finally happened, I graduated high school. I've dreamed about it since I was very little and it's finally over. I have about a million different feelings going though my head right now: anger, fear, relief, joy, and tons of others.
As I listen to the clashing of thunder outside, I can't help but think about so many things. I thought that finishing school would take the weight of my shoulders, but the issues seem to have exacerbated. Maybe it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about things I tried to run from.
On stormy nights like this for some reason, I tend to think about my brother and the choices he made. I wonder what things would be like if he hadn't made those choices. It was heartbreaking for me to graduate without him there. It was all I'd ever wanted, all I'd ever dreamed of. Don't get me wrong, graduation was the most amazing night. I gave my Valedictorian speech and gazed with nostalgia as my classmates and I watched our film and not to mention, my Mom, Dad, and Step-Mom were all there and they did it without fighting - yay! But not having him there just made the night so cabalistic. I wanted so bad to look out into the audience and see him smiling at me as I spoke. I can almost see it now. I would give anything to have the night over again and have him be there.
And now this whole thing about my future. I mean, everything is nearly concrete, but for some reason, I just feel so uncertain. I've known forever that I wanted a career in medicine, but I'm just so worried that it won't work out. The problem is, I have so much riding on this that if something goes wrong, I don't know what I'll do.
And with my parents being divorced, another conundrum presents itself: who is going to be the one to drop me off at college? It seems like such a noncomplex thing, but for me, this is huge. I'm the first one in my family to attend college. My Mom believes she had the biggest hand in raising me and I agree, but I'm moving so far away that I want my Dad and Step-Mom to share this moment with me too. The most pathetic thing about it? They can't set their differences aside to take me together. Sometimes I just feel like they're being so selfish and now because of it, I'm faced with these awful decisions where I believe I have to choose sides. If this wasn't such a critical time, and I knew I didn't need any help, I'd go myself. Hell, for all I know, I might just do it. It's just so frustrating to feel like I have to choose between the two people who love me most. When does it ever stop?? The poem I wrote a while back called 'Regrets' was completely about my parents and I meant every word of it. For anyone who doesn't remember it, I'll post it again.
Well, it looks like this storm isn't letting up anytime soon and I've got some things to do so hopefully I'll update again soon - afterall, MySpace is my personal sounding board, I need it.
Until next time,
Elizabeth
That reminds me, I do have one decent shred of good news to report with all this misery. I finished my college English 102 class with an A-. Not bad for a high school senior, huh? I'm pleased.
You know, with my passion for creative writing and acting, sometimes I wish I could just quit the whole 'doctor' thing and run out somewhere to follow those little dreams. I suppose thats what I mean by feeling so uncertain. This doctor thing has been set in stone since I can remember, but there's always that miniscule part of me that has a passion for the arts and creativity and politics. After Legislative Education Day in Lansing, and talking to all of those representatives, I really thought it would be cool to have a career in governement. How absurd is it that I'm having a near mid-life crisis at the age of eighteen? I've always wanted to go to college and be a doctor, but I've always had this intense ardor for acting, writing, and politics. I suppose it's a little too late to be thinking these things. Anyway, a B+ in English 101 and an A- in English 102 at Muskegon Community College is good enough reason for me to be happy. Free college credit, right?
Regrets
I look into the past;
Years I'd rather forget;
Then I look at me now;
And see what you did.
Those eight years of hell;
I thought they'd never end;
Being pulled like a rag doll;
It makes me cringe.
You never admitted it;
But you were to blame;
You always wanted accuse the other;
That was always the game.
It was a competition;
Of who loved me more;
And where the money went;
Was what caused the war.
So I look at the past;
I'd rather forget;
And hope in my future;
There will be no regrets.
Regrets about who I lived with;
And who's side I was on;
But what you need to see;
Is the pain that you caused.