This is an e-mail I wrote a while back.  I was reading through my old e-mails and was impressed by how well written this one was.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the not-so-innocent.  ENJOY.

___________________________________________________________

Alright, _____, let's start at the beginning.

When I told you and ___ about what had happened between me and _____.  I also specifically said not to tell her.  I told you that in case I ever ran into her again. So, yes, there was exploitation there. I trusted you with a secret, and it was exploited, against my wishes. Blatantly and cruelly. So, whether or not _____ is a liar, that is besides the point. You both promised that it wouldn't be mentioned, and then at the first opportunity I was stabbed in the back. So, there really is no excuse for that.

Secondly, friend, I NEVER asked you for money!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! I never once asked you for any financial help. I needed a friend because my roommate had begun getting physically violent with me and I felt I was in danger. No, you never offered to come and get me. Yes, I would have taken it. I would have gladly let you save me, and this conversation would never be happening. But, you never offered. You ASSUMED I only wanted money from you because I had told _____ the reason I couldn't make it to her wedding is because I couldn't afford it. This is partly true... but mostly false. After seeing _____ a bit more before her wedding, I realized I still had feelings for her, and since I had no practical purpose IN the wedding, I thought it would be best for me, and her, if I was just not in attendance.

I came to California sporadically over the years to visit. When I did I would often take the bus because I DIDN'T HAVE A CAR and planes were too expensive. That left me with no transportation. However, when I did have it I came out to see you guys. Sure, not regularly, but, once again, how regularly did you come to Tucson? Oh yeah, never! When I was in town, how many times did you guys drive to see me? Oh yeah, never! Every time I've seen you guys since becoming an adult it's been because I came to you... not the other way around.

Then you have the balls to tell me that "I wanted you to confide in me, but I wasn't willing to make the same effort". Bullshit. When I confide in one or more of "the group" it is/was exploited behind my back. Effort, my ass! And the reason I would "pop-in" for a day and then "disappear" for months was because I LIVED IN ANOTHER FUCKING STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would "pop-in" when I could. When did you "pop-in" to Tucson?

And you wanna keep talking about HS? OK, let's do that. At school, yes, we hung out together, and for one blissful summer we were all inseparable. But when it got harder to see me you guys stopped making the effort. And it's been that way since, ___. I was abandoned by you guys a long time ago. I stopped trying to be as close with you guys because you all made it very clear that I was not wanted in that way. When a friend of mine is being hurt by another friend, I talk to the one doing the hurting and tell them that it needs to stop. You never did that for me. Whenever ______ would be a dick to me I was the one that was told to suck it up and that maybe I should change the way I act around him. Fuck that. That's like telling an abused child that they need to suck it up, and that it's probably their fault they're being abused in the first place. But God forbid it was ___ or _____ on the firing line... then you'd go in guns a-blazin'!

If you were really willing to start fresh you wouldn't have mentioned the miscommunication last summer. The only two purposes that could have possibly served was to guilt trip me, or to anger me. Well, ___, neither has worked. It does suck that things have turned out this way. I miss my friends. Unfortunately I am not the same guy that felt OK being hurt all the time like I did in HS. I asked for an apology from you, ___ and others, and all I got was a series of excuses and ways that it was my fault. Well, it wasn't.

After all the times I've told you how hurt I felt in HS by "the group" I never heard, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way". Apologizing is not an admission of guilt, it's an expression of sympathy. I didn't want you guys to fall over yourselves to make me feel better, all I wanted was sympathy. Instead, I got excuses and blame. It's my fault... I left the group in our senior year... I'm hard to get a hold of... I never visit you... blah, blah, blah.

Excuse me if I don't jump at the chance to be close again, ___. I've been hurt. I still haven't had an apology. I've been lied to. I still haven't heard I'm sorry. And, I've been stabbed in the back. No apology.

Now you're in Virginia, how the hell am I supposed to go out there??? I'll get shit for not being in Virginia enough. Unfair!!!!

Call me if there is any desire to talk about this over the phone. Until we meet again...

Walter