As some of you probably know Jews don't have confession. Rather than atone for our sins week to week we like to stockpile our misdeeds over the course of an entire year, allowing them to gain interest, then we cut out each September by purchasing foreclosed property and eating more bagels than you could possibly ever dream of. Three. Usually three whole bagels. With cream cheese and lox and baked salmon salad and a secret fish that can be only seen by Jews known as "sturgeon." If you've ever gone to your local bagel store and wondered why there's always an empty tray, well there is something in it. It's called sturgeon. You just can't see it. Like thestrals. It tastes pretty ok.

Today, on this the most holiest of holy days, Yom Kippur, we thought we'd share with you some of the horrible horrible things we've done over the last year for which our God will rather casually shrug off as "nothing too crazy" and inscribe our names in the BOOK OF LIFE. Thanks God.

Without further ado:

1. On February 7th Barry told a skinny girl she'd been looking kind of chubby lately to see if she would immediately become a full-blown anorexic. Unsurprisingly, this worked. He feels kinda bad about it.

2. Last November Kenny Schwartz was on a west-bound train making its stop in Mineola. He got the attention of a stranger waiting on the east-bound platform and gave the guy the finger, mouthing "go fuck yourself" as the train pulled away. "Haha," said Kenny. "What's he gonna do about it!"

3. On 15 separate occassions in the past year Barry stole gillette razors from CVS. Barry has a full beard.

4. Last October Barry went to a diner with Jared and Seth Alvo. He didn't order anything but he asked the waitress for a bread basket. What the fuck is wrong with him?

5. Kenny doesn't like how Adam Levine from Maroon 5 makes out with a hot girl in every video for no reason. Kenny is guilty of player hating. The ultimate sin.

6. Jared has not sinned this year.

{disco vietnam}