So I’m lying here convalescing from a cold, the comedic voice of one of our greatest 21st century humorists stilled temporarily by la grippe, or something more insidious….anywho….and in need of some self amusement – so I found on the Food Network website that they are looking for new chef contestants for their show CHOPPED – which pits 4 chefs against each other and the ingredients in the “mystery basket” to create a delicious morsel in like 20 minutes! Now, I ain’t no chef, but I like to eat, I do like to cook occasionally, and more than that, I love being an annoying pain in the ass! So I decided to fill out the form to be on Chopped and below are my answers to their questions to see who would have the chance…to be CHOPPED:

Describe your background/history-where are you from?:

I'm a lifelong new yorker and have eaten several lirr trains of food, both good and bad, in my life - I'm actually not a trained chef per se, but I'm huge and I love to eat more than speaking to humans and I’d better know how to boil water once in a blue moon or I'd have to have my dining budget underwritten by the Rockefeller Foundation....and wouldn't it be amusing watching me cook in a frenzy while feverishly shoving ingredients down my amuse bouche hole....which is what I'd end up doing....

What inspired you to become a chef? Where did your interest in food begin?:

Well, what I first cooked: as I child I heard Nixon liked fried cottage cheese with ketchup - aspiring to be as much like our admittedly weirdest president, I tried this culinary oddity and upped the ante with bacon and a stick of butter - and a true glutton was born....it was all down hill after that!

What do you consider the best aspect about cooking/being a chef?

being near food - food is great! I really love telling jokes to roomfuls of strangers and foreigners who have little english skills (but are amused by the large man in black who invariably looks a lot like their president-for-life leader), but at the end of the day, sucking back a bucket of KFC with a quart of gravy as dipping sauce is better than any physical/mental escapade I could involve myself in....and even chicks; yeah...I guess I'm just moon pie high!

Describe your specialty dish or style of cooking:

I like to call it "cuisine grossier" (chubby food) - lots of butter, meats, potatoes, cheeses, - all fried up in a pan with breadcrumbs and other junk and liberally stuffed into some kind of bread loaf type item....yum!!! and dessert? whip up some fresh cream, fry some bananas and drool over haagen daas vanilla with the cream, and, well, fuck me Amadeus!!!! And maybe some porn afterwards….

Describe your work style. How would your colleagues describe working with you?

well, my comedy colleagues all have one universal word for me: asshole - I really do pride myself on being a completely hateful asshole, and you can get away with that in the comedy word....I think in the culinary world I'd have to cook alone lest someone impales me with cutlery for a biting yet unkind remark or maybe a hand shoved into their preparation followed up by "hey, lemme try that!"

Describe your greatest accomplishment (culinary or otherwise):

making fun of our new president on CNN was pretty cool....having a three way with 2 bi chicks in college was also pretty memorable.....

What is something that we wouldn’t know about you by looking at you?:

I have been called "lord of the dance" from time to time....for purely unknown reasons....

Why do you think you’d be good for this show?:

because, by far, ANGRY BOB is one of the most unique, interesting, hysterical, awe inspiring, threatening and mildly disturbing characters you’ll ever see - and I'll make that episode of CHOPPED more than just memorable....I'll make it transformational!!

So…think I have to get my chef’s knives ready for their call??