MEMOIRS OF AN AIRDRIEONION IDIOT.
                    
GOOD AFTERNOON.
  " David ! Whatever do you mean that you have declared all out Jihad on Borders bookstore? My mother in law looked perplexed! I was enjoying my " pretend pouting session! The kids ignored me! Mrs Ramone rolled her eye,s! " Mom dont encourage him! He,s just a pompous Scottish book snob! I reeled as if struck! Whit d,ye mean I,m a booksnob ? I didnt contest the pompous assertion! My Texan wife yelled! " You are a booksnob! Go on tell my Mom why you wont visit 2nd hand bookstores! I muttered "I dont like books that dead people might have read " I muttered sheepishly, " Oh my goodness David I,ve never heard such nonsense! My mother in law looked shocked! I was on the ropes getting it tight from two members of the opposite sex at once! Mrs Ramone sniffed! " He,s a hypocrite to! If I had hair I would be tearing it out! I glared at the double glazed window picturing myself knocking myself out bouncing off it unconscious after failing to jump head first through it ! " HYPOCRITE " I howled! " Yeah hypocrite! Your the guy who,se ambition it is to own a Robert Burns 1st edition of poems chiefly in the Scottish dialect ! how many dead people have thumbed through that book, do you think?. I was beaten.
     Smiling my mother in law asked " Why have you declared war on Borders bookstores ? " I mumbled " they dont stock Garth Ennis graphic novels or The Goon comics " I trailed off pathetically. " Well how about Barnes and Nobles then ? Mother in law asked ! " they,re alright I suppose, I got a copy of Richard Harris,s This sporting life Dvd there on the last tour" " That,s settled then David we,ll go to Barnes and Nobles then! I felt as if I had clawed back some of my battered dignity.
    An hour or so later in a paroxysm of hypocritical glee I smiled at my mother law happily ! " Ah,m telling ye! This is the best 2nd hand bookstore I,ve ever been in! " Gooooood, dont ya,ll know that everythings bigger and better in Texas ? " Yeah yeah" I replied with four nearly new looking books in my arms! Eyeing the covers my mother in law said " Judging by the condition of these books ah dont reckon many dead people have flicked through these! I shook my head and smiled! I had a book about Andy Kaufmann! Although I put it back, A kids book for the wee man a nearly new book about Metallica and best of all the huge Reverend Billy F Gibbons of ZZ Top fames coffee table book " Rock n roll gearhead! I think thats the name ? It only cost 10 bangers as opposed to 30 and there was no smell of formaldehyde emanating from it! Cindy beamed appovingly and tapping the cover said " That,s Billy mah boy ! I,ve seen them in concert a few times , once in a small bar when they were startin out ! My jaw fell open in awe! " Jazus " I breathed in I,m not worthy admiration ! Knowing she had my attention 200 % she continued " I,ll tell you better than that David I once sat with him on a commercial flight out of Houston! " I felt as giddy as a young girl on prom night ! " Wooooooooow" I breathed, The next thing my mother in law said I,ll probably be telling people on my death bed! It was simultaneously the most ridiculous but at the same time " To a superstitious Scot anyway" sensible thing I have ever heard another human being utter!! So I say to my mother in law " I,ve heard that he is quite a gracious man who is happy to talk with fans and admirers! Cindy replied " I dont know about that David! I didnt say a single word to him! I was counting the minutes until the plane touched down and I could put a 100 miles between Billy and me! Dismayed I asked " But why Cindy ? You love his music! Was he an asshole ? This is what she said next and what has me believing that I,ve found another kindred spirit who thinks like me! " Honey he was just the kindest most accomodating soul you could ever wish to meet ! telling stories and signing autographs! people were laughing and smiling, An all I could think was whyever did I have to meet this lovely man on an aeroplane ?? Scratching my shaven skull in complete confusion I said " You,ve lost me Cindy! lovely gracious man, signing autographs everybody smiling and laughing! She patted my shoulder smiling and said " Oh David! do the math, Buddy Holly Stevie Ray Vaughn ! would you wanna share an airplane with a Texas born singer songwriter guitarist ???? She spotted her daughter and walked away before I could collect my scattered wits!
    Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! Maybe 6 or 7 years ago a good mate came to pick me up and give me a lift to Edinburgh airport! I was flying to Italy with the band I was in at the time Clannandrumma for an Italian Scottish whisky festival! After throwing my kitbag and bodhran in the boot of Gregors car we took off talking away all the time while the morning rock station played in the background ! My blood froze as the unforgettable riff from " sweet home Alabama " came on the radio! Superstitious I blocked the music out! 15 minutes later the unmistakeable start to Buddy Hollys " That,ll be the day " Chimed out ! Sweat beaded my scalp ,I felt sick and my balloon knot = Asshole twitched like a wee rabbits nose ! I thought of my new fiance in west Virginia, It was all I could do not to scream " TURN THIS FKING CAR AROUND! And like the scared grunt in Apocalype now " yell " I,M NOT GOING!

HAVE A GREAT DAY WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD. DAVYTHESCULPTOR " and superstitious Scot "

PS. I went to Italy and considering the fact it was Clannandrumma I had a good time.