so i'm not dead yet. which is a good thing. lol. i am not one to exaggerate my illnesses nor make them seem to have any major impact on my psyche or physical self. right now, i'm scared shitless and a bit lonely and depressed. i am kind of at a catch 22 though. in some ways, it has confirmed for me what i've been thinking for quite some time now. i feel like i'm in some kind of weird limbo state. almost zombie. it takes me a while to finish some sentences, my memory is fading in some ways comparable to alzheimers disease. Things I used to remember and used to be engraved in my brain are slowly deteriorating. This is due to malnourishment and malnutrition i'm told. my blood went from the consistancy of water to the consistancy of syrup in about a week and a half. i can hardly eat and when i do it either comes up, or if i smoke weed just after, it will just stay down and rot. the only hope right now is the gastric pace maker, but there are always complications in my life, so it doesn't surprise me that my insurance and AMA protocol are taking longer than they should. it's retarded. i've been in the ER 3x over the last 4 or 5 weeks, countless doctors and all but 2 are idiots. on the one hand, i'm lonely when Thomas is at work. it's a bizarre sort of solitary confinement. At least emotionally. i want the company or talking to people i consider my extended family and friends. But at the same time, i don't really want them seeing me or hearing me in this state, and i know it can be hard for them to see or hear me this way either. i guess i should look at the positive side, i suppose.  i'm lucky that i have my higher brain function at the level it is (mostly due to my habit of 24/7 documentaries. it worked while i was suffering the immediate effects of my brain injury). I am also highly stressed and anxious but otherwise i am capable of conducting myself in a semi normal fashion, or hide it as best i can. but my physical appearance, motor skills and weakness give my true condition away. it's heartbreaking and hard. I know i'll survive and get better but until then, my world is somewhat of a painful, wretched and miserable existance. If it weren't for my fiance Thomas, my 5 cats and my parents, i'd certainly be dead by now.