So...today is the one-year anniversary of my return to the States from my first and only wonderful and impactful trip to Thailand. I have mixed feelings about this, mostly because I miss my family, the sunshine, the pineapple, heat, people and language with a constant ache. I do, nonetheless, try to focus on the beautiful present moment, which I am struggling in half-.joblessness to do. If you have time to read a bit of writing, I am posting an email I sent to friends/fam a little over a year ago after volunteering for tsunami victims while on my trip. It randomly bounced around between countries and an edited version ended up being printed in the huge paper, the Bangkok Post (now I wanna be a writer too!). Isn't it funny and disgusting how this gigantic disaster happened only a year ago and most people here seem to remember it as a long, lost, distant tragedy that they said "OH MY GOD!" about one day while watching the same footage of Fox showing the waves tower over some rich white folks on vacation? (Of course everyone's death should be mourned, but come on! Who was worried about the Burmese refugees who were not allowed to identify the corpses of their family in fear of deportation or worse? They didn't get the privilege of sharing their story on the U.S. news). The tsunami isn't that distant for people who lost their children or for families whose homes are in the ocean. It is difficult sometimes, but I hope we can all find some humility in this culture of materialism, greed and fear and just...reflect, remember and act in compassion for all those suffering, locally and globally. I am in the process of recording a song I wrote about the tsunami and I am sampling these Thai monks chanting from my Thai grandmother's funeral. It should be beautiful and eerie so I'll keep you posted on that. I should post it up when it is done. Peace.

last night i came home from volunteering at Thammasat University (a little outside of Bangkok) for a few days and laid down to sleep, putting a cd in my player and listening in my headphones. I put in my latest cd because sometimes i like to listen to myself (i don't think it is weird :) and i thought it would bring a little comfort and familiarity. Sometimes i listen to my cd and try and imagine what it sounds like to other people, y'know judging if it's good or bad etc. but i've never been able to tell.

until last night. i put the cd on ( i heard it probably a week ago) and i couldn't recognize myself. it sounded brand new and each note i played hung in the air, clear and crisp. it was eerie, a bit frightening, but mostly interesting. it was sudden proof to myself that i am changed. what i have recently experienced and witnessed has changed me. i can't say how, but i know it has. i listened to the whole thing and then got scared i was going to have nightmares or something so i turned the light on. I hadn't slept in a room alone since I had been volunteering. I heard people downstairs and realized my family was returning from a trip up North for New years. I came out of my room and abruptly grabbed my cousin Lily, hugging her and then my other cousin Daisy, and then a family friend, Beam. I felt like I had not seen them in months. I don't usually hug them. I wished so badly i could speak Thai so I could tell them I love them. Tears just rose in my eyes instead. I felt much more secure with them home. i called a friend to debrief and i think i sounded like a robot. i think all of the sudden i realized I was slightly traumatized. it sounds dramatic but true. i had been surrounded by so much action and people for so many hours and suddenly i was alone in my room with some strange girl singing on my cd player. my hair could have turned white overnight and i would not have been surprised.

I think that sometimes when emergencies happen, we just function. we don't reflect, process, or even think much at all unless it is related to the task at hand. For a few days I did not think, I just functioned (with a lot of gusto) and all of the sudden i was caught off guard and had to think. i was scared! It is ok now, but I realize i think i just had my first moment of shock from this trauma.

it is weird to feel traumatized but it is trauma you are putting yourself into by choice. i did not run from waves or lose a child or break my bones. I did not have any kind of direct threat at all. But I have looked into the eyes of a bruised up German woman asking for help in finding her husband who held her hand until he was swept away, I have smelled the alchohol on the breath of a Swedish man flipping through pictures of bloated, unidentified bodies looking for a sign of his dad's small scar, and I have seen hundreds of detailed images I can only pray I will someday forget. I can't completely de-sensitize myself from the photos, I wouldn't want to. But i have had to get a little used to seeing photos of dead bodies to be able to assist people with love and patience, rather than constant nauseau. I have had the worst and best time of my trip in the past three days.

I have been helping people find missing family members, organizing and downloading photos online, calling embassies, searching for info on websites, posting information. The first nite there I didn't sleep at all, just got delirious slowly downloading pictures of unidentified corpses and entertaining my co-volunteers by making "Engish" Animal noises. I was unprepared for this but I am okay.

There is no way to describe what these bodies look like. I do know that anyone against large tattoos would be regretting it now if they lost someone, seeing as it is one of the only ways to identify people. I also know that if I ever got washed away by a tsunami, please don't come look for me if I am missing. Know that I have passed away, and have moved on somewhere. I would never, ever want someone to have to see a photo of me like that. There are still so many bodies to retrieve and every day the bodies get more gruesome. The water and then the wicked heat create something that your mind absolutely cannot imagine, I promise. I am so thankful that I am not a victim of this disaster, but a helper. That is enough description of the horror.

i am so happy to help people do something. some news guy was saying that what we were doing was a waste of time right behind our backs as if we couldn't hear? (because the photos are so hard to dissect) We need professional doctors, and photographers doing this work...blah blah blah. Fuck him. Everyone is doing the best they can. With the thousands of bodies and the overwhelming smell, Vogue-quality pictures are not to be expected. Even if NOT ONE person finds or identifies their baby or wife or uncle....we are giving the families something to do. everyone knows that sitting and waiting is the most hellish part. Searching gives people a sense of purpose at least and I don't think it is a waste of time at all.

keep up with the news please. don't forget what is happening here and know that it is even worse than shown. the numbers are less for multiple reasons is what i've learned: trying not to scare tourists away with the amount of deaths, Burmese refugees who aren't really accounted for or noticed...etc. it is all so complicated. donate all you can. Fundraise, send clothes, anything. whether Bush is giving out of his heart or not, I don't care. Political move or not, his recent actions involving Bush Sr. and Clinton will get the most money raised, and that is what matters right now.

i haven't written a lot recently because i don't know what to say and because no one can understand what is happening unless they are here, and even then obviously, eveyone's experience is so varied. i have no idea how people can retrieve the mangled bodies and do the work they do. they are so so amazing.

happily happily happily, i met so many fabulous students and people at Thammasat, my new favorite person on this continent being a gal named Nesinee (Em) who let me use the spare bed in her room and showed me what to do to help people. She acts like me but a full Thai person. So much energy and humor, she is a godsend! The Thai people I work with are so generous and amazing and friendly and helpful to all who have needed them. There were a few other farangs helping out but mostly Thais. Everyone thinks i am the funniest person they have ever seen because I can imitate the sounds of an elephant, monkey, and baby so well. Who knew it would make me so popular? :)

I am happy the Oregonian printed my letter asking people to send money. I have written a few other papers and hope they print me.

i love everyone so much and thank you for your concern. i knew i'd be fine and i am fine. when i come home, i am worried i will be very lost but i know that in time, i'll be fine.

peace to you. please don't spend one second taking this life for granted. praise every living moment that you have. remember how blessed you are to be doing whatever it is you're doing and to not be suffering like this. It shouldn't take a tsunami on the Oregon coast to make us realize it. And I know it sounds cheesy, but seriously, we need to tell one another we love eachother more. There is no other decent way to live, in my view. Everything seems so trivial now, except our beating hearts. I mean it.

i am so happy that every one of you is breathing, safe and in my life. Thank you thank you thank you.

:)nicole sangsuree