I started contemplating the thoughts that would go through my head the morning I found out I was pregnant.  So after my third Bloody Mary I would think, "Holy shit, I have a half me, half somebody else mutant being growing in my stomach."  The fact that the child is half somebody else would not scare me as much as the part about it being half me…even a quarter me would scare me shitless. 

My next thought would be about all the things I would have to give up because now I have someone sharing everything I eat, drink, smoke and shoot into my body.  Sorry sweet lady H, Jonny can't be black tarring for two!

After that, I would immediately start stretching my crotch…probably with a hanger or some sort of vice grips I found in my dad's garage.  I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to push a small pebble out of my junk let alone a football with branches.  I might even pick up a yoga class or two?

Then I would eat.  I wouldn't eat food or normal substance like most people.  I would eat all metal.  I would eat things like paperclips, staples, fishing hooks, soda cans, rolls of aluminum foil etc.  I figure if you are what you eat, well then if I eat enough metal, my baby will be RoboCop, a Terminator type being or a Ford Truck.  And that my friends, is bad ass. 

So let's say that I actually survive the birthing process of the Terminator and now he is thrust into the world solely depending on me for survival.  It's time to let that little fucker suck on my nipples.  Yup, you heard me correctly…they suck on your fucking nipples!  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!  A small human that is made from genital juices, half yours and half somebody else's, sucks on your nipples….and he loves it!!! 

As my present mind races around the crotch tearing terror, fun killing, midget nipple sucker, I decide to recheck my pregnancy test.  Turns out I've dodge yet another bullet…the plus sign means it dead right?  Positively dead?