Hi, there. For some reason or another, a few of you, from various parts of this Earth, have found my profile so ridiculously compelling that you immediately clicked on the "Add to Friends" button under my picture. Some others of you have sent me messages containing extraordinarily scintillating banter like "what's up, dude?" Blind friend requests from people I don't know make me click the Deny button. And messages from strangers that ask things like "what's up?" are items I will definitely never respond to. I don't have a parental admonishment to not talk to strangers (okay, I did, but that was 25 years ago), but I suppose that the internet is still new enough to most of you that you're all used to adding some fascinating person (of which, I can assure you, I am not one) in your favorite instant messaging client and making small talk with that person. Maybe that works for you. It doesn't work for me. I've been a daily user of the internet since 1992 -- since before cable modems, Homestar Runner, All Your Base, Napster, Yahoo, or even the web. It takes more than all this to get me all excited and sweaty and panting. So, I'm not going to approve your friend requests if I don't know or like you. If I don't know you, I'm not going to read your noisy profile to find out about you. If you're trying to reach out to me, a message with something interesting to say might get a response -- certainly not a message with four words that speaks to me like I'm a coworker who works a couple of cubes away or someone I see on San Francisco dancefloors every weekend. I'm sure you're very interesting and all. And I'm quite certain that this myspace thing has you all atwitter with excitement, but it's just the latest thing. I can assure you that I've seen quite a bit in 12 years and, while this myspace thing is nifty just because of the sheer number of people apparently trading friend requests like those Pokemon cards you kids trade these days and that most of the women on myspace appear to be underwear models, I'm not really interested in having a collection of 950 friends on myspace. Oh, yeah, and like I mentioned in my profile, if you send me a spam chain letter, saying something like the "send this to 15 friends in the next 15 minutes or monkeys on meth will eat your nutbag with Tapatio brand hot sauce", I will block you. Period. Because you're obviously way too retarded to be using this here interweb thing. Sorry to sound elitist, but, well, maybe I am. Have fun, kids, and don't run with scissors.