Hello friends,
I'm writing you this blog not because I want pity or to show my dirty laundry online.I'm writing this to explain what's been going on with me and why I haven't been online like I use to.I've been getting messages from friends with concerns and decided to write this.
In general,I'm still smiling and still love the world.But,I've been going through so much in life that this caused me to go into some kind of depression that I can't really explain because I don't know what it is.

Just this year I've been fighting to keep my relationship together with JM.Where we should be enjoying our time,its spent more trying to work things out.

We've also  been fighting in court for his son to be able to visit us in our home.I've been made out to be a bad person for a whole year.Harrasement is involved by JM's X and her family and friends.We live in a very small town.If anyone knows me.They know I love kids and would never put harm to them.This was proven in court finally last Friday.But for a year this made me feel really bad because I am the reason he wasn't able to see his 5 year old son on a regular basis.He's a good dad and they both missed out on a year.It may not seem like much to others but to dad and child,its a lot.

I almost lost my parents on a few occasions.Both have serious heart problems.Both had some type of cancer.My mom has been ill for many years and dad well,is up in his age,73.
My mom the doctor say,can die at any time because her heart stops 60 times an hour when she sleeps.Imagine the stress my dad goes through.I worry for the both of them.

I live in communo living in town houses for low income people.My neighbors for the last 3 years beat up my son,harass myself and my boys.Fighting all the time.They tried to kill my dog.I cannot leave my home feeling safe.The police were called on numerous occasions but nothing was ever done and housing refuse to kick them out even with all the proof I have.Audio and video...I can't move out because I cannot afford to do this.
I have 3 illnesses to deal with,Fibromyelgia,Lupus and Hydradentitis.I'm on a disability pension and don't receive much for this.

My friends know I have 3 sons ages 16-19 and 22.Well,my middle child I had to attend court for 5 years on a regular basis.He's got some mental issues that is difficult to deal with.Well,a few months ago he had to move out because he did something very serious and I cannot deal with him no more even if I love him so much.But I have to protect my youngest.
My oldest used me for a door mat for a year.He then called me some really awful names and well,his adopted mom got involved and now I no longer talk with him.I lost him as a small baby and I now lose him has a young man.This breaks my heart.

This year I haven't gone out at all.No river or cemetary .I went out twice this summer.Once to the car races and once for a motorcycle ride with my brother.That's it for my summer.I've gained 25lbs in a year.I'm guessing my home is my safe place to be and I cannot bring myself to leave.I missed my summer.I miss walking my dog and watching him swim at the river.I miss helping clean up the cemetary.My parents live a few blocks away and I visited them only twice so far.
I don't have the courage to go out even if I know winter is coming.I know its gonna be a long one.
I don't do the things I love anymore.Writing being one of them and helping my friends here on myspace.I enjoy hearing from my friends but I lost my drive to want to communicate with anyone.I don't even communicate with my friends here anymore.But please know I still care.I hope to figure out whats wrong and fix the problem.

I'm sending you all much love and respect.Please,don't think I have forgotten about you...