It was a gorgeous night.  The weather was perfect, the breeze was light, and the stars were out.  Well, at least the reality stars were out.  So after we arrive, my companion, Bobby O., and I got out of our taxi (no limos for us real reality people) and realized we were dropped off on the wrong side of the theater.  We were pointed in the right direction, but we had to walk the red carpet BACKWARDS (we only got our picture taken once)… Whew!  After we checked in and I had the chance to survey the landscape, I realized I was entirely overdressed in a full length gown complete with sequins and total breast coverage.  We stood about in complete obscurity for about 15 min until a couple came by to say hello and let us know how much they liked the show.  Thank God for Bobby O who knows pretty much everything about reality TV or else I would just be smiling and nodding at everyone.  He points out the Big Brother/Survivor duo for me so I would at least know who they were (nice). 

Now comes the red carpet, my entire reason for coming to the awards.  I mean seriously, how many people can say in their lives they "red carpeted?"  Why not do it, right?  I realize that the show I was on, The Mole, is not exactly your controversy causer, and since I'm not an avid reality TV watcher, I naively thought The Mole, given its smarts, would at least garner some respect.  I could not have been more wrong!  So we line up in no particular order pretty close to the front but keep getting bumped by (shows I would later discover the names of)  So You Think You Can Dance, Danny Bonnaducci (guess he doesn't need a show), Dog the Bounty Hunter, and finally The Girls Next Door.  Of course, following three pseudo-hookers and an old guy did nothing for The Mole's credibility to my great chagrin, and I barely got a chance to promote our "Save The Mole" cause as no one paid any attention to us.  

I guess I should comment on the attire in which the participants were dressed.  In this, I find myself at a loss of words for the first time.  Not only were the breasts in full effect, but in full hard saline silicone fake up to the neck skin stretched veins showing with so much cleavage don't sneeze or a nipple will fall out full effect.  I wished the What Not to Wear people were there; they would have had a banner day with those too short club dresses, jiggle me too tight jeans, root-showing bottle-blondes, and ridiculously high woman-of-the-night heels.  The men, too, were not without criticism.  I honestly thought this was to be at least a semi-formal event!  I guess I missed the memo.   Because it seems like T-shirts, nasty leather jackets, ripped jeans and dirty shoes were the uniform of the day except for Mr. Heffner, arriving with his women in a tasteful suit.  Being a creative person, I understand the need for self expression and I really do appreciate the outrageous.  However, there is a difference between outrageous and utterly tasteless.  And this group took tasteless to new lows!

So after the red carpet, we mingled in a reception area and Bobby O had a BLAST ogling the "stars."  I was rather impressed with the fact he was able to name the show and season of so many people whom I've never seen.  We made friends with the guy who won Beauty and the Geek whom I felt most at home with given my true persona is that of a nerd.  Seriously, how many people sit around at home with CNN on TV, NPR on the radio, and Reuters on the computer?  Me and dude from Geek!  We also hung out with the couple from Survivor/Big Brother who were recently engaged and super-cool.  I steered clear from the breast team girls, though, as they all had given me the severe up-and-down look earlier in the night.  Pardon me for dressing appropriately and with the style of a woman so assured of herself that she can cover everything!

On with the show!  We were directed towards our seats on the main floor as I was nominated for an award.  When I saw the name of the show with which I was to be seated, I gagged.  Sunset Tan?  Apparently the show is about a tanning salon… what WON'T they make a reality show out of?  The "stars" of the show are two wanna-be wonder twins with bottle blonde hair and questionable taste in fashion.  I sat down next to this black dude who apparently was their manager.  Given the fact that I am merely a tourist in this strange land, I ask him what they do.  He says "They're the Olly girls."  "And…" I reply.  "That's their brand."  He tells me.  I find out that a "brand" is a marketable name used to promote people to something near stardom but not quite.  No worries.  They lost.  Twice.

Throughout the show, there was the distinct smell of burning marijuana, and halfway through two of the guys from (and of course Bobby had to tell me) I Love New York (one black dressed in black, one white dressed in white no less) nearly came to blows and had to get kicked out by the bouncers.  What the hell?  I knew I was in the wrong place when two naked women came onstage.  Not thonged, not pastied, NAKED.  Meaning NO CLOTHES WHATSOEVER.  I was beyond done.  I was pissed I spent so much on my dress when I really didn't need to wear anything at all!

All in all, I lost the award for which I was nominated.  But I think it's a good thing.  I mean, being "Favorite Villain" is probably not the claim to fame for which I'm looking.  I'm seriously NOT Omerosa, and proud of it (she lost too by the way)!  What about "Awesomely Fabulous Super-Smart and Cool Doctor Poet Reality Show Chick" for a category?  Now that's one I'd want!

These ramblings are merely my opinion.  If any offense is taken, too bad.