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Warning: This is so fucking awesome you will shit your pants. Sorry, but I can’t foot your dry-cleaning bill. Enjoy.

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The Ian



Last Updated: 7/25/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 32
Sign: Virgo

City: Melbourne
State: Victoria
Country: AU
Signup Date: 9/14/2004
[06 Jun 2008 | Friday] 

Current mood:Awesome
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Bedwetting & My Quest to be Possessed


Around 9:30am I opened my eyes and added another day to my 'Pee-Free'  safety record.

 

I hopped onto my couch, turned on the TV, and flipped the channel to watch Oprah. It was then that I realized I was pretty hungry should probably eat. But I'm already sitting down and getting up to make breakfast takes energy, which is what I don't have, which is why I want to eat.

This is my predicament.

How do I eat without moving?

There seemed to be only a limited number of realistic options:

1.       Have a home computer that can make me breakfast and maybe even dresses me like the future world of The Jetson's.

2.       Get online and do a Google search for "Personal Cook", "Wife", "Girlfriend"

3.       Call 911 and request someone feed me through a tube

4.       Find out if McDonald's does home delivery..

5.       Allow a poltergeist to posses my body, and then use my new powers to levitate a pan onto the oven to make scrambled eggs.

The benefits of option 5 far outweighed any minor inconveniences. I concluded it would also be fun to show up to a party and make my head spin all the way around without dying.

Ideally, I needed to get possessed by the ghost of someone who really liked food a lot. Then maybe they'd be a good cook and be very driven to eat a lot. Initially I thought of Henry VIII. He was fat, but he was also a King and I doubt he did much on his own…so I dunno….

Maybe Chris Farley or John Candy would be a better option as my spirit of choice.

Ok….

So next step – who here knows how one would go about to get possessed by the ghost of a fat comedian?And please tell me quick cause I'm really hungry!

Who would you want to be possessed by?

1:36 PM
 
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Disco Donna

 
This is how you cheat and become second! :-P LOL
 
Posted by Disco Donna on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 3:01 PM
[Reply to this] 
Blogger X

 
I watched Tommy Boy 6 times in a row one day and thought I was Chris Farley. I'm not sure if that helps because all I did was sweat and break coffee tables.
 
Posted by Blogger X on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 4:07 AM
[Reply to this] 
Jessface ™

 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_possession


I'm sure there's something in there.
Wikipedia NORMALLY HELPS.
No promises but, by the time you read that.
You could buy a wife on ebay.
 
Posted by Jessface ™ on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 4:10 AM
[Reply to this] 
The Ian

 
ZING!
 
Posted by The Ian on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 4:17 AM
[Reply to this] 
The Infamous Tabatha
Tabatha Curtis

 
my only tip on getting possessed? tell them you're willing to let them use your body for all the food, coke, and prostitutes they can handle. any celebrities three favorite things. TA-DA!
 
Posted by The Infamous Tabatha on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 4:30 AM
[Reply to this] 
Dr. Girlfriend
Janise Scott

 
Maybe you could sell your soul to the devil? I mean you're already going to Hell anyway, right?
 
Posted by Dr. Girlfriend on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 4:32 AM
[Reply to this] 
Claudia
Claudia Vilt

 
Worship the Basement Cat! Or you can always sell your soul to the devil.....have you tried Craig's List?
 
Posted by Claudia on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 5:25 AM
[Reply to this] 
Claudia
Claudia Vilt

 
I see Dr. Girlfriend has already suggested the soul selling.
 
Posted by Claudia on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 5:28 AM
[Reply to this] 
Joshua David

 
Dom Deluise. Is he dead yet? He will be.

Not feeling the captcha. Mine was 8ESueza i think its a reference to cheap 80 proof tequila. Yes, I had been drinking.

ok,try 4 was 8WK8kMMM

clearly tasty
 
Posted by Joshua David on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 6:13 AM
[Reply to this] 
Desiness
Desiree Murphy

 
It seems everyone has overlooked the need to offer congratulations!!!

19 days Pee Free!!! Now that is impresive. Have you told your mom yet? Better yet if you tell you ex maybe she will come home and cook for you?

I think I would like to be possessed by someone who exercises... I am not opposed to the activity part, I just need them to get my fat ass off the sofa.
 
Posted by Desiness on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 12:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
BùTtÊrƒLÿ GºdDê§
BUTTERFLY KISSES

 
Not sure if the benefits of being posessed outweigh the minor inconvenience, after all didn't that little girl in The Exoricist get a crucifix shoved up her woohoo. I guess if one had to chose, i would pick Jason Voorhees, after all he got his revenge and never really died until like the 50th Friday the 13th movie.
 
Posted by BùTtÊrƒLÿ GºdDê§ on [07 Jun 2008 | Saturday] - 1:36 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lizz TianNah Christed

 
Dude. You're depressed. Go for a walk & listen to music. Sorry! *hug!* Remember the food groups and the superfoods would be a good call right now...
 
Posted by Lizz TianNah Christed on [08 Jun 2008 | Sunday] - 5:57 AM
[Reply to this] 
Lizz TianNah Christed

 
p.s. In case you succeed~ call me, I'm an Exorcist.
 
Posted by Lizz TianNah Christed on [08 Jun 2008 | Sunday] - 5:59 AM
[Reply to this] 
Lita

 
I don't even know how to do this response thing, do ya click on "add comment" or "reply to this"? The
Obvious Answer to your very important question is (And I can't believe I AM THE FIRST to say it!) YOU IAN, I WANT TO BE POSSESSED BY YOU !!!!!
My ass is yours! hahhahajajaja. This blog is a reminder why I chose you and only you as my primary waste of time. I got no time 4 reading. No time 4 reading books. No time f4 reading blogs. In fact I'm out of time now. I've gotta get back to writing my book/blog. So next time u find urself in this quandary, think of Miss L and do what she does when she's hungry and can't get up. I wiggle my nose like I'm Samantha from Bewitched (u do remember Bewitched don’t u?), imagine all the sweet delicacies I could ever desire flying through the air, landing right b4 my very eyes, and when that doesn't work, I slither from my sofa, like the snake that I am, over to the kitchen (a whole 6 feet away) and get some food in my snout.
Ps, read my blog, bitch...you will be mine, all mine.
Pps, it's hot in nyc, really really really hot. I'll b writing all day inside my refrigerator.
Luv ya but I gotta leave ya! (And don't try and steal my saying. It's mine. It's all I have. You can't have it. Well, I'll sell it to you. Peace out. No really, Peace out. Seriously, that's all I have to say.)
 
Posted by Lita on [10 Jun 2008 | Tuesday] - 4:38 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lita

 
I don't even know how to do this response thing, do ya click on "add comment" or "reply to this"? The Obvious Answer to your very important question is (And I can't believe I AM THE FIRST to say it!) YOU IAN, I WANT TO BE POSSESSED BY YOU !!!!! My ass is yours! hahhahajajaja. This blog is a reminder why I chose you and only you as my primary waste of time. I got no time 4 reading, got no time fo reading books, no time fo reading blogs. In fact I'm out of time now. I've gotta get back to writing my book/blog. So next time u find urself in this quandry, think of Miss L and do what she does when she's hungry and can't get up. I wiggle my nose like I'm Samantha from Bewitched (u do remember Bewitched dont u?) and when that doesn't work, I slither from my sofa over to the kitchen (a whole 6 feet away) and get some food in my snout. ps, read my blog, bitch...you will be mine, all mine. pps, it's hot in nyc, really really really hot. I'll b writing all day inside my refrigerator.
Luv ya but I gotta leave ya! (And don't try and steal my saying. It's mine. It's all I have. You can't have it. Well, I'll sell it to you. Peace out. No really, Peace out. Seriously, that's all I have to say.
 
Posted by Lita on [10 Jun 2008 | Tuesday] - 3:21 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lita

 
Ppps, Your CAPTCHA, I guess that's y u got my post twice.
 
Posted by Lita on [10 Jun 2008 | Tuesday] - 4:41 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lita

 
Ppppps,
Fuck! Brain freeze, You're CAPTCHA fucked me up, That must b y i posted twice. Does CAPTCHA mean "capture"? Who r u trying 2 capture, Ian?
 
Posted by Lita on [10 Jun 2008 | Tuesday] - 4:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Haggis Hunter

 
And what possessed you to write this?

Oh! . . .

6) Chew your own toenails as these are a handy source of protein.
 
Posted by Haggis Hunter on [10 Jun 2008 | Tuesday] - 8:00 PM
[Reply to this] 
P.P.S.

 
Option 6: Live in your car dude. All ya gotta do is replace the seat with a crapper that has a reclining back and bolt your computer and TV on the hood. Your scores on X-Box driving games will go through the roof but your first-person shooter games might suffer a bit. You can live off drive-through tacos and your life will be perfect. Better ask for extra napkins each time because you may not be able to score toilet paper in a drivethrough.
 
Posted by P.P.S. on [16 Jun 2008 | Monday] - 2:24 PM
[Reply to this] 
Lady Death AKA General Mandy
Mandy Martin

 
I want to be possessed by Bobby Flay... that man can COOK! Problem is he isn't dead... but I bet if you killed him, he'd be so pissed about it that he'd possess you and all your problems would be solved!

Good luck!
 
Posted by Lady Death AKA General Mandy on [25 Jun 2008 | Wednesday] - 2:32 AM
[Reply to this] 
FREDDY !!!

 
i get it CAPTCHA, is what happen when u fall under the possession of a fat chef/actor! ya get shot like in the hood, I'll CAP Cha in the ass!!!
 
Posted by FREDDY !!! on [17 Aug 2008 | Sunday] - 1:42 PM
[Reply to this]