A strange turn of events has happened recently in the ongoing saga that is the Great Pirate/Ninja War. I have been offered and have accepted the role of emissary between the two great powers.  I know that my leanings have been with the swarthy swash bucklers, but a bias statement either way is something that will not pass my lips.  I shall no longer speak ill of my new ninja brothers.
*cough*
bastard pajama wearing freaks
*cough*
Pardon me, a slight tickle in my throat.
I have recently met with the the the stealthy and shadowly leader of the Ninja armada.  I had long heard from my many meetings with the Pirate Overlord about this particular Shinobi.  Even the Pirate Overlord, stout hearted shark pf the sea he is, spoke about this man with a touch of fear in his voice.  In fact, the merely mentioning his name while atop the highest crow's nest will send electric jolts of panic throughout the galleys, cabins, and poop decks of any ships within a 5 mile radius.  I was quite frightened to have to be in his presence. 
The Ninja's method of escorting me was much like being shot in the back of the head with a sedative laced dart, stuffed into a burlap bag, dumped off a bridge into a trash tanker, hauled down river, retrieved by trained birds, and then deposited into a secret tunnel that funnels you at sound breaking speeds to the inner sanctum of a Ninja Shogun.  It probably was exactly like this, but the sedatives sent me off into a druggy lala land where I was the king of Ohio reigning over a dominion of rocking horse people, liliputians, and an entire army of Jaleel Whites.  That's the guy who played Urkle on Family Matters.  It made alot of sense at the time.
After I came out of druggy world, I was given such a shock that I was almost sent right back into it, which I was kinda hoping would happen.  Being in command of an army of Urkles is an extremely enjoyable and addictive thing.  Unfortunately, the ninjas shot me with the antidote, so that wasn't happening, but I made a mental note to get a bag of it before I left.
The identity of the Ninja Leader, the High Shadow Shogun, has always been unknown, but he has revealed it to me in confidence, so here it is!
The Ninja Leader is in fact a person many of us know and love.  A person that may be intially supprised that he is a ninja, but then will decide that yeah that makes sense.  The Ninja Leader is: Elliot Bevers.
I was so caught off guard that the meeting was postponed until I regained the use of vowels again.  I once again became the king of Ohio and was transported back to wence I came.  This news might be alarming to alot of you out there, but never fear. Eliot is a benevolent man, and will not surely order my execution or anything like that.
I send you this information because, well I'm kinda high right now and rambling.  Go my Urkles, consume the world in high water panters and nasally laughter!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna go eat some pizza rolls.
Sign,
"The Myth, The Legend, The Sanity Impaired" John "Mongoose" Quick
Don't worry, I'll spare some of you.