Citzens of Ohio! I your lord and master do realize that most of you reading this are in Indiana, and therefore temporarily out of my domain! No need to worry, I shall be annexing you... NOW! You are now part of the Empire of Ohio! So now I am your lord and master! BOW BEFORE GREATNESS! ( Take a minute or two to grovel, praise my name, and maybe write sonnet in my honor. An epic poem, an opera, no even better a Rock Opera. something like Jesus Christ superstar, or Rocky Horror Picture show. Maybe a little both, mix and match...... So, you uh, come here often. This is my first time here. Seems like a nice place. I really like the curtai-) Ok that’s enough worship of me! Seriously, stop it! I shall unleash the Urkles upon thee is thou dost not stop it! Ok maybe a little longer! (-ns. Don’t know why, but they really seem to pull the room together in a very classy fashion. Got good drinks here too. I can’t complain about the servi-) Enough! Now since you are newly annexed, I shall bestow upon you the mandates that I have mandated so that I might properly rule you as I have Ohio! First Mandate! I am your supreme ruler, and will be afforded all the rights and privileges that being your supreme ruler allows! Basically I get to do whatever the hell I want! Second Mandate! You are my lowly subjects and will be afforded the rights and privileges that being my subjects afford! Which, by the way, include the right to breathe my air, provided you pay the tax, eat my food, which will mainly consist of air, and grovel at my feet, which is extremely convenient considering that’s all you’ll be doing! Third Mandate! Any man named Frank, Chuck, or Clarence will immediately be executed in the slowest and most painful fashion my Urkles can think of! Fourth Mandate! Stealing is punishable by death! Fifth Mandate! Murder is punishable by death! Sixth Mandate! Adultery is punishable by death! Seventh Mandate! Jay walking is punishable by death! Eighth Mandate! Parking in a no parking zone is punishable by death! Ninth Mandate! Loitering is punishable by death! Tenth Mandate! If you haven’t caught on to the pattern yet, everything is punishable by death! Eleventh Mandate! Every Wednesday will be pretzel day! Twelfth Mandate! I am the very model of a modern English General! Thirteenth Mandate! Anybody caught quoting over used catch phrases will be forced to watch Gigli, Ishtar and Battle Field Earth on a continuance loop for all eternity! Fourteenth Mandate! Anybody caught quoting over used phrases from Napoleon Dynamite will be deported straight to hell! Fifteenth Mandate! My ass does not look fat in this cape! Sixteenth Mandate! If you disagree I will have you shot! Seventeenth Mandate! Can you feel the love tonight?! Eighteenth Mandate! Jump Jivin, then you wail you gotta, jump jiving, then you wail away! Nineteenth Mandate! Reality TV will be destroyed and replaced by 80s cartoons! Twentieth Mandate! Those who disagree with Mandate 19 will be sterilized so that their genes will not pass on! Twenty First Mandate! You touch my stuff, I kill ya! Twenty Second Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Third Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Fourth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Fifth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Sixth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Seventh Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Eighth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Twenty Ninth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirtieth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty First Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Second Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Third Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Fourth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Fifth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Sixth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Seventh Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Eighth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Thirty Ninth Mandate! The use of the internet for any thing other than looking up or downloading pornography is strictly prohibited! Fortieth Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Forty First Mandate! I know a song that gets on everybody’s’ nerves, everybody’s’ nerves, I know a song that’s gets on everybody’s’ nerves and this is how it goes, bum bum bum! Forty Second Mandate! Wash, Rinse, Repeat! This is not a polite suggestion! Forty Third Mandate! Visa! It’s every where you want to be, which will be groveling at my feet! Forty Fourth Mandate! Should you at any time have the urge to form an opinion, on of my licensed professional councilors will arrive to ensure that feeling goes away! Forty Fifth Mandate! The way that feeling goes away will always be a bullet! Forty Sixth Mandate! Every citizen shall be required to wear pantaloons because they are so funny to say! Forty Seventh Mandate! Say it with me, Pantaloons! Forty Eighth Mandate! Bruce Campbell is here by the greatest actor of all time! Forty Ninth Mandate! In case you missed it, everything is punishable by death! Fiftieth Mandate! That includes obeying the law! Well that’s enough for now, the rest you’ll just have to figure out through trial and error! Your king wishes you the best of luck in that, but be warned that being lucky is punishable by death! You shall all enjoy being part of my kingdom, cause if you don’t, guess what happens! No seriously take a guess! If you said you will be executed you are correct! And also you will be executed for speaking out of turn! Regally Signed, “Your Lord, Your Master, Your Supreme Being” King Josie Badda Bosie Kin Kozy Shibbi Dozy Gozzy Rosy Floozy Hosy Coozy Grossy Mossy Glossy Whosthebossy Stevenrossy Jakeblossy Youdoomyisgloomy the III Or “The Myth, The Legend, The sanity Impaired” John “Mongoose” Quick Oh shit, I’M COMING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!