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Current mood:  contemplative Category: Romance and Relationships
So it's late here and I'm sitting alone, bored outta my mind, thinking to myself about this strange concept of "love" …something that I'm not quite sure I've experienced to it's highest extent, well not "romantically," that is...
Some lyrics for you to pour over:
"It's impossible to love you
if you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
if your always hiding from me.
I don't know what hurt you, i just want to make it right
I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind
Cuz it's impossible for me to love you this way...
it's impossible, if you're making it this way.
Impossible to make it easy
if your always trying to make it so damn hard
How can I give you all my love
If you're always, always putting up your guard?
This is not a circus don't you play me for a clown
how long can emotions keep on going up and down?
It's impossible for me to love you, if you keep treating me this way."
------
Deep, eh? Yeah.
And i cant tell you how many times I've listened to this song and found myself so angry at the poor guy that's lucky enough to be in my life, and it seems to usually be directed towards them. Me, thinking, "God! If he would just do this or stop doing that, we could make this work!"
But tonight, tonight I'm looking at things a little differently. And I'm finally thinking maybe, just maybe, they're not the problem…
The strange thing about this whole concept of me being the guarded one, the one who is sometimes impossible, and so hard to love… is that I feel like I'm easily lovable! I feel like I'm so open and emotionally available that time after time (at my cockiest lol) feel like I'd be a godsend to a nice, good man.
Cuz how great would it be for a man to be with a woman who doesn't say "nothing" when he asks "Is something wrong?" but instead unzips her mouth and lets him know exactly what she's thinking!? Well, maybe sometimes after a little bit of coercing lol
But I have since come to this ugly conclusion: I talk a lot, a lot for actually not reallllly meaning a single word of it.
And it's so true! I could tell a guy how much he means to me, and express how ready I am to just "open up to him" and maybe even love him, and really genuinely FEEL like I mean it, but the second that I actually have the opportunity to "put my money where my mouth is" I fall short.
I run. Then I shoot off (misplaced) blame when it ends.
I really do have this idea of love… this childish idea of it being so magical, but at the same time…scary. And all the thoughts of "why hasn't he sent me flowers?" "do I have to let him know "EVERYTHING" I've done before??" "Can I tell him how much i heart him??" … I hate the idea of turning into a love struck fool. And possibly losing who "I" am.
BINGO.
I cant help but sometimes feel like it's almost impossible for me actually find a happy medium. Yeah, of course I've got my serious flaws, but I'm really starting to learn to love the person I am. And I don't want someone to come in and slowly make me into what he wants or what he thinks he wants, then later realize differently, and move on, leaving me left a shell of my former self. And yeah, I do realize that sounds just absurd but its honestly where I'm at.
And I HATE the idea of having to censor my feelings because "ill be causing unnecessary trouble FOR HIM" Ugggggggh!!! You have no idea how much that kills me! It literally feels like my mouth is being taped shut. Or like at any second if I DO decide to bust through that tape and stand up for myself, he'll be done with me. Cuz lets be honest, what guy wants a girl who causes so much trouble or needs to discuss every little thing that goes wrong?
But really, what are the alternatives? Just hold onto it till I either, a.) (by some grace of God) let it go… or b.) start to despise him, and so begins the end of the relationship… sometimes even BEFORE it really begins.
And that breaks my heart. Cuz at that point it becomes apparent how incredibly destructive I'm being. And i've got a whole graveyard full of "potential" relationships to remind me of what i DON'T want to be doing anymore.
Man. I think too much. But I feel like I need some type of resolution before I put this long ass blog to bed lol
I guess goals would be a good start? Cuz this is NOT the way I want to be any longer...
1.) learn to not sweat the little things. (This goes for all my relationships)
2.) learn to love and appreciate his flaws instead of letting them wear on me.
3.) try not to assume the worse so quickly
4.) learn to trust that he's not trying to "change" me (and do my best not to try and change him.)
5.) realize everything's not always about me. (GASP!)
5.) learn to let let go and let him love me back. And NOT be afraid if it actually starts to happen.
Yeah. *smiles*
6:41 PM
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