There's a requisite level of insanity that must be met to work in an office. Each required mindset is comparable to a recognized mental illness, although none of them is nearly as romantic as its full-blown comparison.

Autism. Except for the remarkable intelligence or aptitude in a particular area, most office workers carry with them the earmarks of autism: underdeveloped social skills, obsessive attention to minutia, compulsory and repetitive physical motions, and inappropriate touching. Behavior seldom reaches the level of sociopathism, but the potential for outburst is ever-present -- even if only by intra-office e-mail. All of these characteristics are almost charming in the right worker, but caution is advised. They're still dangerous.

Schizophrenia. Delusions of grandeur ("No one here works as hard as I do. I could run this place."), fear of persecution ("That guy has been spying on my work progress all day."), imagined enemies ("Someone's been dulling my pencils." "So-and-so doesn't refill the ice trays because she thinks she's better than me."), and false alliances.

Fecophilia. A little-known statistic: most coworkers eat shit and die. Or at least, they should.

The best thing that can be said about most office workers is "it's a good thing they're off the streets."