I need a big huge change.  Something enormous and beyond what I could have ever dreamed up.  I'm falling into a nasty little rut and I am not sure how to bring myself out of it because I've always lived by looking forward to something in the future and right now I can't see anything.  It's a very scary feeling and I've been feeling it for months.

As each day passes more and more of my obedience to rules of my life fall away.  Maybe I'm becoming more paniced or maybe I'm just caring less.  I'm considering doing things I would have never considered before.  I always have worried about the detials and the fine tuning of things because otherwsie I would be uncomfortable doing something.  Now I'm just wondering 'what would happen if I did this without worrying about it at all, without worrying about what could happen if it all went wrong?'  It's all a bunch of bullshit because I am, literally, stuck in a house.  I have no freedom.  I have to depend on my parents to help pay my school bills because they are insane ($850 a month).  If I want to take a leap and move somewhere elese it is out of the question because I can't even have the luxury of living as a poor young person who is barely paying the bills and making ends meet (I would snatch that sort of life up in an instant).  I can't do that.  My school loan bills are just too much.

So.  Where's that huge change that I need.  Something good, something horrible.  I don't care.  I just need something that will kick me out of this rut and flip my world around.