Dear Men of Craigslist,





Look, I know you men have it difficult.
Women are just about impossible
to understand, much less please.
In a post-feminist society, you never
know exactly what you should be doing.
Women are bloody picky, I know
we are.
It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to
be benign issues.
And men who do their best to be respectful,
female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.





But please, please just fuck me already.
Honestly, I appreciate
your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow.
I can
totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but
dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks.
We've gone
dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie.
I'm wearing a low cut shirt
and you've been staring at my breasts all night.
Goodgodalmighty, get
to it and fuck me.





When we get hot and heavy, please take charge.
Please, please fuck
me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved.
But
don't make me force your hand into my panties.
That makes me feel like
a rapist.
We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps
grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward.
Get on top
of me.
Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing
up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic
yoga because YOU won't go down on me.
Roll on top and start dry humping
like a good boy should.
Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back
when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want.

It's not what WE want.





OK, I know it's scary.
There are lots of women out there who make
fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips.
Don't
think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea
Dworkins of the world.
Just some simple tips, for timid men who have
forgotten what it means to fuck like men:




1. Taking charge is not bad.
Oh, there will be some women who feel
that you are pushy.
If you are making out with a woman, and she starts
to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast.
If she says
yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking
delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward.
If you
start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're
both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's
not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the
top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man.
Act
like one.





2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit.
It's different
for every woman, so ask what she likes.
Do not, I repeat, do not just
wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her.

Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently
waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt.
Do not push the clit
like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of.

Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against
the outside of her pussy.
Do not charge in with a single finger and
start jabbing at things.
And if you really don't know what to do, ask
her. Just ask. "How do you like it?".
It's a simple question, and most
women will answer straight out.
If she's being all coy, ask "Do you
like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed.

Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before.
Forget
everything that your last partner liked.





3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well.
Yes, there are
women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle,
rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses.
Those women
are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded.
The majority
like to have their hair pulled.
The majority like a good, solid
jackhammering.
When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not
because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around
her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there.
It's because she
wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs
above her head, and fuck her harder.
Don't be too afraid of what this
means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch,
but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my
throat from the inside out.





4. A little roughness is nice.
Do not pretend that you had no idea
that some women like their hair pulled.
Do not act shocked if she wants
you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does.

That's the fucking point).
We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and
that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her"
sections.
Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass
that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there.
You
don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl
and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date.

Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking
her hip.





5. It's OK for you to make noise.
Otherwise, we feel like we are
fucking a ninja.
Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into
our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please,
please make some noise.
If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out
and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt,
she's going to feel like an idiot.
You don't have to make the sounds
she is making, but do SOMETHING.
You know how when you are watching
porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of
goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that.
Whisper our
name (assuming you know it) gruffly.
Groan against her neck when you're
in missionary position.
You don't have to grunt like a mountain
gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.





6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting.
If
you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way
you fuck her.
If she responds well, continue with something like, "I
love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot.
" Is she still moaning
in response? "Your tits are so beautiful.
" Does that work? If she
doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there.

If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200.
Try the
following:





"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight.
"


"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"

"I think I'm going to come inside you.
I'm going to fill up your
little cunt.
" It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE
hearing this.





If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy
little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread.
Do
not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.





6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out.
In return, she's not
obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other.

If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her
pussy is how nice it is.
The length of her labia minora, the color of
her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden.
No
time for color commentary.





7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us.
They
hurt us more than they hurt you.
But we don't want to be preggers, and
you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex.

Do not explain that you can't come with one on.
LEARN to come with one
on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're
satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.





8. We really like it when you come.
It's called a money shot for a
reason.
Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying
things EVER.
However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off
onto her face. She might, but don't assume.
Seeing and/or feeling you
come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but
please do consult us before unleashing.
"I think I'm going to come -
how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your
testicles.





In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy,
and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here.
I've been
penetrated by a total and utter wuss.
Who am I going to run back to
when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who.

----------------------------------------------------



*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some
really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I
don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores.
I do
mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex
rougher than most men give it to them.
Rough does NOT equal chains and
bondage.
And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that
she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a
person.

**Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell
am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority.
HOWEVER, all women
need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your
sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual
limits.
Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels
wrong, say so.
Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence
and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous...
 

ohhhhh, now I see.

 

Personally man, finding a sexual partner that reads you perfectly is hard to find. Sometimes it takes awhile. However, with my particular lady she likes the roughness I give and did so from the start. I find that doing little test's to see how a woman will react is the best practice. Like biting a nipple without asking to see how she re-act's. Finding a woman's hot spots are not always an easy task, but be adventurous. The worst you could do is not have a round 2. The best you could do is let your lady friend know she has been devoured by someone that sought these spots. I couldn't imagine them complaining. Love making with me is an art with my lady and she appreciates every loving bite, hair pull, neck grab or slap I give. Personally I think what it really boils down to is what you like. Yeah explore new avenues of whatever fetish you come across within the bounds of what YOU want. Not everyone is going to like fucking YOU. So the next time someone says "be rough". Don't punch her in the face, but pull her hair slowly increasing the strength and see where she likes it. Climb the "rough" ladder slowly and see how she re-act's. From what I have found, women like someone who just knows what to do and does not ask. If that's not your thing then find a less experienced woman if that's your cup of tea. Find your balance and find your comfort zone. It's part of the fun to see what they like.
Right?
 

Most def :F