Instead of asking, "why did they do this to me?", and "why did they, or whomever, or whatever, do THAT, to me???", maybe it's time to start asking questions like, "why am I treating myself like this?", and "What the hell are you doing that for?  You fucking Idiot".  Yes it's a time like now that I get a chance to actually ask these questions, 'cause I'm not on a freakin' bender, I have no want what so EVER to grab any beer with the word "ICE" on it....  I hate that shit now.
I can't do Natural Ice, Hurricane, 211 Steel Reserve, nor any type of "green beer"....  the other day I tried to slug back cold ones all day just like old times.  Hell NO.  The last beer that I had that day was a tall can of something called Schlitz Bull ICE.  
I guess that I can't do the whole 6 or 7 am to 3 am or later thing anymore, with no food, lack of sleep, bathing, water, and any kind of Idea or clue what the fuck was going on.
I'm figuring out that I could be A LOT better off using that stuff that they talk about on the tube... uhhh... Moderation, yeah, that's it.

I still need a head full of THC in order to deal with the physical shit that my bod deals with from wake till night.  As well as the icky feeling of the pain, and the memories of how I got the pain, and realizations of possible future pain, if change does not OCCUR.

I Want Out.   

Desperation Should Be A Sin!
If there's one thing, one fucking thing that I've learned over the course of my last 3 relationships and various so called friendships is that desperation, and being needy should be sins just as hard and as deep as thievery and and all that other stuff like murder and rape.    Desperation can lead you to the wrong people, when people see people who are in NEED, they take advantage of them, because people, everyone, is in need, and the ones who are desperate, are taken over by people who know this, the naive, foolish, and closed minded, fall prey to the sharks in this cold cold sea called life.  

I wish not to swim with the sharks, for I know my place now.  It is in my own hiding places that I've abandoned for social recognition, and to be respected, by ... (metal heads, thugs, violent women, nerds who hated me... What the Hell???) and to be thought of as "hardcore".  I have failed in my attempt at being a badass, and would like to either pass on the baton, or drop the mofo.  Okay... I don't know how long I can continue to fucking emulate the likes of Syd Vicious, Captain Sensible, Cheryl... and other hellraisers.  If I'm gonna party, I'm gonna party on high quality shit, and I'm not gonna try to be captain wanna be thug criminal fucko dumbass high lord muckity muck moron retard dipshit.  I'm not gonna kill what I got, I'm gonna take what I got left, and do the fucking best outta it I can, and hit the highest damn road and take that sonofabitch.

Dear God, I am truly sorry for hurting your children, please forgive me.