Flipside's Guide to Being on the Telly

Ollie sorted us out a slot on the telly! Trexxie-boy and the Flipster - hip hop's happeningest, live at 5 on Big Up TV. The whole world was tuning in!* This sort of situation is filled with pitfalls for the ill-prepared rapper, so what are the three basic rules for handling yourself under the intense glare of a low-budget local digital TV broadcast?

1. Do turn up. It will be harder for the TV people to film you if you aren't actually present in the room with all the cameras in.

2. Don't not be there. Once again, I can't stress enough how important it is to actually be in front of the cameras when you are being filmed.

3. Do remember not to fail to stop yourself doing something other than being in the place you need to be in order to be on the telly. TV people are extremely pernickety about using their cameras to capture images of people who are standing in front of them, and who are not elsewhere in the world.

So, with those basic rules foremost in our minds, it was all startin' to look like we were gonna to be famous fo' shizz – and I was getting ready to organise a flunky to write this blog so I could set time aside to hang with Snoop, Jay-Z, and the Cheeky Girls.

Even the fact that we were on the verge of superstardom was starting to have an effect on the ladies – it was like they could sense the hangers-on and the paparazzi and the shocking tabloid exposés even without there actually being any. I could feel the hand of history on my shoulder – and the hands of hotties on my backpack. Oh yeah.

So, with the very important rules of television still uppermost in our thoughts, Trexx and myself decided that now would be an opportune moment to take two beautiful hotties back to our crib to sample the liquid delights of our hot-tub.

Only problem was, I'd also been bounced into lookin' after Ollie's little sister Alesha for the day. In some ways that was good, cos it meant that Ollie got to see the caring, nurturing side of the Flipster – and also I get to see it too, cos to be honest I've never seen that sucker myself. On the downside, the kid's a little bit spooky; she never speaks for one thing. And she's got a list of things she can't eat that's as long as Trexx's list of things that he can eat (and believe me – that's a long list).

So, what? Me and my bro must be famous now, right? We must have had a sweet sweet time in the hot tub with the hotties; and Ollie must have fallen well in love with my caring side after nothing went wrong with looking after Alesha. Right? That's what must've happened?

Right?

Yeah, here's a list for you, using bullet points and everything like I'm some kind of crazy office worker:

• Flat – destroyed

• Ollie – angry and disappointed

• Hotties – psychologically damaged

• TV appearance – Clinton doing ABBA

• Alesha – rabid

• Rules of Television - flouted

Of course, when you're the premier clients of an agency like Wu-Hah Management, a TV appearance is just one of the many public appearances which can go disastrously wrong in a week. So we also got to dress up as a spanner and a wrench to promote Mr U-Bend in a toilet showroom. I'm hoping that this is the last of this sort of gig – because if there's one place our career ain't heading it's down the toilet. We're going in completely the opposite direction – we're explodin' out of the toilet. A gold-plated, diamond studded, hip hop toilet. In a limo.

*(Big Up TV is a digital TV channel. You may need to retune your set-top box to receive Big Up TV. If that doesn't work, you may need to reboot the box, add an additional aerial, throw away your set top box, and buy a more expensive box. You may also need to spend hours looking at a complex series of transmitter tables on the internet, climb up onto your roof - in the rain if possible - and manually point both aerials at the part of the horizon where you think the transmitter might be, using your soaking wet body to conduct the signal. Big Up TV is not available in all regions).