Dearly belovedest – we are gathered here today to pay maximum respect to Trexx and Flipside; two brave bruvs who gave their lives so that we might hear about them on the news and buy their records.

Well, I have good news for you all! Trexx and Flipside have survived their own deaths, just like R. Kelly's career has survived all the videotapes and allegations and that. So clear your mind, open your mouth, finish your cake, and prepare to receive our teachings. For I say unto you; I am Trexx, and I have died – and I return unto you with joyful news accompanied by a heavy beat. Behold! I bring you:

Trexx's Blog of the Dead

Yes, it's true – this week me and Flipside were well dead on account of a massive explosion and a flip-chart presentation about post-death record sales. But what is the experience of death like? Is there an afterlife? And does any form of DJing equipment exist beyond the veils of this mortal coil? Read on and discover the many wisdoms I bring back to you from beyond the grave...

What is it like to die?

When you die, the first thing you will feel is a hot, searing sensation on your back, as if the car you are running away from has been blown up by a rival's inept bodyguard. You will then find yourself carried, up, up, up in a lift to the offices of your management company where you will cower behind the sofa, covered in soot, and smoking eerily. After a time of reflection and confused sobbing, an apparition of your agent will appear unto you, pointing to a graph with pictures of dead famous people on it and suggesting that you lay low for a while while he organises a holy "tribute gig" in your honour.

What happens in the Afterlife?

Many people who have returned from near-death experiences report a "white light" filled with joy and wonder, and I can confirm that I too experienced such a thing. However, the white light is but a part of a larger whole. If you move away from the light it becomes clear that you have your head inside a sort of cosmic fridge, filled with spooky snacks, ghostly beers, and a couple of old cucumbers which are going off somewhere at the back.

Unfortunately, filled as it may be with supernatural stuff to eat, the afterlife is pretty boring and looks just like your own place, except you aren't allowed to go out in case someone sees you. It's a sort of "crib-purgatory" and I recommend that you call a friend over to entertain you with some kind of zany contraption and couple of ping pong balls. This will prepare you for the final and most baffling aspect of the death experience, where you have to dress up as a woman and become mixed up in hilarious hip hop tribute shenanigans at your local chicken diner.

Will I be reborn?

Before any soul can return to life, it must first be "purged" of Earthy karma. For this reason you will find yourself being forced to watch a sickening live performance of B Ice's new single at your own tribute gig, after which you will be publicly humiliated in front of a death-obsessed record label boss. It is only after being pelted by vol-au-vents from the complimentary tribute gig buffet that your soul will be clean enough to return to Earth.

What will I be reborn as?

Theoretically, you could be reborn as anything, such as fish, underpants, or self-assembly furniture. Me and Flip were lucky because we were reincarnated as ourselves – not as babies, but as adults just a few hours older than we were when we were killed. In fact, someone cursed with a sceptical mind might be forgiven for thinking that we hadn't died at all, but in fact faked our deaths and hidden in our crib for a day or so. Such people are ignorant fools and will be punished from on-high; faking your own death is probably a very serious crime, and anyone who launches an official investigation into it might find that they bring the wrath of the Lord down upon their very heads. My advice is to simply stay out of what you don't understand, Officer.

Is there DJing equipment in the afterlife?

Yes. I myself saw turntables, mixing decks, slipmats, jack plugs, phono leads, and a wide selection of carts. However, the quality and availability of equipment may vary depending on the life you have led before death. My advise is to inspect your equipment carefully by lifting the platter of your turntable upon arrival in the underworld. If you are in Hell a shudder will run down your spine as you realise your decks are... BELT-DRIVE!!!

Aaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiii!!!! (That's you doing a chilling scream)