This here is Flipside takin' you ringside, givin' you the upside and the downside of getting left at the wayside on our way to the B.R.A.s, where we made faux pas with the paps and the cars. So don't have a kip, just listen to Flip and I'll tell you how B*Ice ended up in a skip...

Yeah, you heard right - me and my bro got invited to the British Rap Awards this week. Now, a few immature people out there have been titterin' about the fact that this prestigious night in the music calendar abbreviates to spell out a honey's set of boobie hammocks. That just ain't frosty – the B.R.A.s are just as important as the Awards for Rap Success in Entertainment; and no-one ever laughs at them.

So how do the UK's most upcomingest hip hop megastars prepare to brave the scrum of the world's gutter press, and then fight our way into it? How do we deal with the incessant barrage of intrusive flash photography, and hang around in front of it for as long as we can? Find out in...

Flipside's Guide to the Red Carpet:

1. The most import thing to remember when faced with a red carpet is that although it's a carpet and can stain easily, you don't have to take your shoes off and tip-toe over it in your socks like you might have to at some uptight auntie's house. But also, don't wipe your feet on it neither. It ain't a mat.
2. When preparing for a red carpet event it's important to remember that although the eyes of the world may be on you, it's what's on the inside that counts. And what's on the inside is your brain – a brain which better be tellin' you to dress up and look well pimped, because it's what's on the outside that counts.
3. When selecting a couple of honeys to accompany you to the awards show, don't reject your manager's assistant's cousins out of hand just because they look like a couple of mingers in the photo she shows you. It may be that you are lookin' at an old photo and they have somehow become hot cos of all feminine things happenin' to their bodies an' that. Make sure you demand an up-to-date photo, then reject them out-of-hand if they are still mingers.
4. If you are plannin' on hiring a limo for the event, make absolutely sure that you're not sharin' it wiv a right load of pissed-up slappers on a hen night. These women will most likely steal your threads and your invites and dump you on a street which looks suspiciously like it's in Manchester. On the other hand, don't share a limo wiv B-Ice dressed up in tramp's clothes neither. He will probably recognise you and throw you out as well. In fact the whole limo business is probably best steered well clear of.
5. If you do find yourself stripped off in the street and thrown out of successive limos, the best thing to do is find a well juiced tramp who just happens to be dressed in hip hop finery. This boy will be only too happy to give you all his gear; including VIP tickets, and B-Ice's phone. Then, having got back all the stuff you need for your biggest night of the year, have a moment of soul searchin' where you realise how shallow you've been. The most important thing in life is people, and friendship; not honeys, awards, VIPs, limos, photographers and celebrities.
6. Give your tickets, phones, and honeys away to your friends. Walk away into the night feelin' sweet.
7. Really, seriously regret doing (6.) later that night when you wake up screaming and covered in sweat.
8. If you are B-Ice, make sure you delude yourself that wearing tramp's clothes will make you look street. Then forget to take your tickets and phone out of your clothes when you swap them wiv the tramp. When you arrive at the awards, get thrown into a massive wheelie bin by a burly security man who doesn't recognise you.

And that concludes my guide to the red carpet at the B.R.A.s. Join me next week when I'll be tellin' you how to avoid bein' electrocuted by ninjas on the way to the MOBOs...