So I sit here just under 2wks from Jordan and Nelda's wedding and I can't help but feel lost in my own life.  I see them doing their thing and it just feels like I'm never going to do that.  Maybe I'm just never meant to do that kind of thing.  I mean, lord knows I'm 26yrs old and what, I've had somewhat of 1 girlfriend for like a month.  I managed to help her but not myself.  It just always seems to be that way.  I just don't know what I'm supposed to do sometimes.  I think about that brief moment and wonder to myself, "Oh God, why was it taken away from me so quickly?  What have I done so horrible to have had but such a brief moment in time stripped from me in such a way?  Have I not already paid for my transgretions?  If I haven't, how much more do I have left to go?  Will it ever end?  If so, why does it feel like it never will and why can I see no light at the end of the tunnel?" To quote George Straight, "I've got a lonely broken heart full of love and I can't even give it away."

 

Honestly, I'm such an extremely misunderstood person and yes, a lot of that is my own fault.  I just don't know how to be different about it.  After so much, I only know one way to be.  Even when I try and find something new I end up reverting back to the old.   

 

I keep seeing all these people in my life getting engaged and married and all these different things and no matter how much I try, I just can't be happy for them cause deep down, I'm miserable.  I try and forget it all and wish the people I know the best but I just can't help but feel some kind of malice towards them that's a reaction to the pain they haven't even caused.  I know it's a horrible thing but it comes from deep down and I can't just voluntarily change it.  I want to and wish I could but I just can't.  For the most part I'm trying not to say a word about it cause I don't want to unleash the angst that's in my heart against an undeserving person. 

 

I'm also still in love with Jenn just like I have been for the last 8yrs of my life.  That's not a bad thing at all except for the fact that I don't have that same love back and it kills me.  I did say a long time ago that no matter what happened in my life I would always love her and I still hold it true to this day even though it's worn its course.  To me, loving her just comes natural.  It's that thing that you only understand for one person in your life yet when it comes to others, it confuses you. 

 

The thing is, I don't blame her.  I can't.  I can't make her love me just as much as I can't stop loving her.  It is one of those things that God makes so complicated in life yet it's quite an amazing thing even when it hurts you so much that you wish you could rip your soul out of your body so that it would all be over. 

 

Love really is the most powerful force in all the universe.  Without it, the stars wouldn't burn, the planets wouldn't turn and our hearts wouldn't beat.  It's that one unbreakable force that we can't explain yet it breaks us.  You can't study it with all its divinity.  You can't break it down into a logical pragmatism that makes sense, it just is.  It exists in all we knows yet it's the one thing we understand least.  The thing is, we're not meant to understand it to its fullest.  It's such an awesome thing that if we really did understand it, we'd try and make it into science and that would destroy it all.  When you feel it, or it feels you, you've simply got to ride the wave and go with it otherwise you'll lose it for all time.  You can't control it, it controls you.  Man in all its magnificient science fails at this the more we try and understand.  It is the only power in the entire of the universe that reacts to us negatively when we try and act most positive in its understanding. 

 

So what can I say other than, let it flow through you or you'll end up heartbroken like me.  I don't know how to let it go.