I've been a little depressed lately.  I'm not sure exactly what it is.  If anything, it's probably a culmination of reasons:  I have way too much time on my hands to think about stuff; my sleep schedule is all jacked up; I haven't started working yet (albeit I should be starting really soon at the Juvenile Detention Center); I really miss Austin and everyone there; I have a little bit of a crush (I guess) and well, it doesn't really seem to matter cause she doesn't seem to like me that way; I gave up one of my best friends and even though it's probably the better decision in the end, I do miss her asking me how I'm doing, picking me up when I'm down, and just having her tell me on a daily basis that she loved me (even if just as my friend); everyone I know seems to be engaged, married or in a great relationship (for once cause before it was always the other way around) and it makes me feel left behind now; there's so many things that I want to do but can't because I don't have the money for it (yet); and well...I don't know.

I really miss Austin a lot and everyone there.  I loved living there.  I was always busy and active and I had people to do things with.  Regardless of what I may lack, I never thought about it because I was too busy having fun.  I never felt down when I was there and I want to be back there.  I miss Jordan, Nelda, Donnie, Chad, TJ, Christi, Marcie, Ryan, Kourtney and everyone else up there.  I miss going downtown, I miss the concerts, I miss my house, I miss the parties, I miss Lake Travis, I miss Hills Cafe, and I miss all the opportunities.  I even miss my stupid job at Wells Fargo.  Ugh, I hate that I'm in the Valley.  Maybe I was wrong before and I didn't come back to McAllen for a reason.  Maybe it's all a pointless waste of time and I need to get out of here asap because it doesn't seem that there's any reason to stay.  I wish there was and for a brief second I thought there was but I've probably been wrong...like always. 

As for this "crush," I really do hate using that word because it makes it sound like something stupid and meaningless.  Well, in this case it probably is stupid.  Honestly, this girl is just way out of my league.  Aside from the fact she's really pretty (probably too pretty for me), she's a fucking saint compared to me.  She's nice, polite, doesn't smoke, doesn't party all the time, isn't a huge drinker and I can tell she has this huge heart.  That is all way too good for me.  I smoke all the time, I love to go out and drink, I'm not that nice, I try and be polite but I fuck that up, I curse like a sailor and well, she's just too good for me.  She's the type of girl that you can feel proud to "take home to mom."  But hey, she's not interested and there isn't much I can do.  If I had the opportunity, I'd be the biggest gentleman I can be.  I think she has a thing for someone else.  I'm not mad about it, that's just the way it goes down sometimes.  It does suck though.  I'll just force myself to get over it like I always have before.  Ugh, she really is such a nice, cool and pretty girl too.

I don't know exactly why but I think I know, one of my favorite scenes from a movie comes from Forrest Gump.  It's the scene when Jenny returns to Alabama and stays with Forrest at his house.  They've been having a great time doing everything together and as Jenny is walking up the stairs to go to bed on New Year's morning (shortly after midnight) Forrest stops her.  He very simply asks her with all sincerity "will you marry me?"  It may not be the most romantic way of proposing but he asks it in the best way he can.  He then goes on to say that he would make a good husband.  Jenny says that he doesn't want to marry her (knowing what skeletons she keeps in her closet).  Broken hearted Forrest responds with, "Why don't you love me Jenny?  I'm not a smart man but I know what love is."  When he says this he alludes to an earlier scene when Jenny tells him that he doesn't know what love is after he admits his love for her.  When he says that he knows what love is, it really touches me.  I feel for Forrest in this.  He loves Jenny with all his heart regardless of her flaws.  He loves her for who he knows she is and nothing else matters.  I guess I really like this because sometimes I want to say, "I know I'm not the best person in the world but I know what love is."  I just haven't had my "Jenny" come back to me when I don't expect it to say to me that she does love me and then show it. 

I do know what love is.  I know that's its the greatest gift God has ever given in allowing us to share in the awesome power that it is.  God gave his son to us because he loved us so much.  God gave us life and purpose because he loved us so much.  God gave us free will because he loved us so much.  I know what a truly awesome and precious gift it is and I know what it means to show it to someone.  In fact, I love getting to show it.  The problem is, I hardly ever get to and I really want to.  It sucks.  I want a nice girl that I can proudly bring home to mom.  I want the nice girl that I can get to show her how much she means to me.  I want to make her smile, pick her up when she's down, be her strength, take her by the hand to walk towards the future, make her laugh, show her a good time, and always make her feel special.  In return, just maybe I could get a little bit of that all back.  That's all I need.  If anything, allowing me to show her how much I love her is just like her showing me how much she loves me.  I don't ask for a lot.  All I need is someone to come around and say, "Show me."

One day I want to be this old man waking up in bed next to my wife and she's old too.  I want to grow old with her.  Many years from now when the kids are all grown up and we're grandparents I still wake up each day and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I still think she is.  There's pictures everywhere of us doing things together and there's also pictures of us with the kids and grandkids.  That's just one of those things with me that I really want.  "I wanna make you smile whenever you're said, carry you around when you're arthritis is bad - So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.  I could be the man who grows old with you...I wanna grow old with you."

The other day, an acquaintance at Moonbeans was asking us all about our astrological signs cause that's her thing.  When it came to me that I was a Pisces, one of the things she said is I am a very romantic person and when it comes to gift giving, I give the best gifts.  Now I don't believe in all that astrological stuff but it's true, when I give someone a gift, I put a lot of thought into it.  When I write cards, I put a lot of thought into that.  I have a gift for it.  I can make people cry (a happy cry) with the words I write down.  Jenn used to always say that I had a way with words unlike anyone else.  Somehow I'm able to put words together in such a way that they flow well and really express how I feel.  I may not always show this in a blog when I'm ranting or venting but if you've ever really listened to me like Jenn has, you'd know what she was talking about.  I don't know, maybe it's not a gift.  I just speak from the heart when it comes to those things.

At the very least I have a job lined up.  Right now I'm just waiting for my background to clear and once it does, I should have a startup date.  Although, there are about 10 of us all starting at the same time and the state wants us to start at the same time so that we can all go through the same training.  That's fine with me.  I'm really looking forward to starting so that I can be busy again and have some money in my pocket.  Unfortunately, there is one fear about this job.  I'm afraid that I just may like it and want to stay down here because of the money.  I'm afraid of getting complacent with the Valley.  I know how much better there is out there (esp. Austin) and I want to have that all back.  Although, being at home will allot me some time to pay off some debts and save up money to move back to Austin with a kickass pad.  I don't know, being here has its ups and its down when it comes to that. 

As for losing a friend, it wasn't really losing since I chose to take her out of my life but sometimes it's hard.  Jenn and I had been friends for 9yrs.  Sure we had our rocky points and even said we weren't friends anymore but we always made up.  She was my best girl friend (not girlfriend) and she always knew just what to say to make me feel better when I was down.  I also had the same gift for her in knowing just what to do for her.  As much as I miss her being there for me, I miss being there for her when she needed me.  I like being needed.  I miss getting to tell her to have a great day or a great week or weekend and I miss her telling me the same thing just because she meant it.  I meant it when I said it too.  I've tried saying it to other people and I get nothing back.  Jenn has been the only person ever to sincerely wish me a great day, a great week or just randomly tell me she thought I was awesome.  Someone telling me at random that they think I'm awesome totally makes my day regardless of anything else that can possibly ruin it.  And even though for the longest time I did have a thing for her, in the end even though we never really dated, she was always still my friend.  In the end though, it just may be better that we aren't friends but regardless, it's going to be tough.  For all the good and the bad, Jenn was a big part of my life for a long time and now there's a void that nobody else can fill.  We always used to say that no matter what happened between us, we'd always love each other (as friends) and I guess it's true.  Even if I never speak to her again, Jenn will be one of the people I remember when I'm old and grey.