Walking Wolf Road
By: Brandon Herbert
Chapter 42
Fucking bear…
He didn't mess me up that bad did he? Why wasn't I healing like usual? My awareness slowly caught up with me as I dumbly realized that I wasn't exactly in my body anymore. I had this strange shifting perspective of the things going on around me; my normal first person kept sliding in and out of third. It almost felt as if my soul had been knocked loose from my body and kept phasing in and out of place…
I vaguely remember hearing Taylor's voice in the darkness, telling me that help was on it's way, and slipped out of my body again some time later and saw people around me from the other side of my closed eyes. But, it was not a paramedic, but to a group of five people in loose fitting clothes. Two of the men were native, the others and the woman were caucasian. I perceived Taylor sitting in the corner of the room, beating steadily on an ancient looking drum.
My body had been laid out flat on the floor, and two men sat on either side of me with decorated planks of wood beside them like oars on a boat, one of the native men sat at my feet, and the woman was up above my head shaking a rattle over me while she sang a song in another language. I began to feel a force pulling on me, beginning to draw me out of my body completely. The woman moved and lay down alongside my body, touching at the shoulder and along the arm. I just barely realized what was happening, that they were Shamans, before an irresistible tug pulled me down with them.
It felt as though we melted into the earth and before my un-closable eyes we were no longer sitting in a pattern on the ground, but barreling through an aquifer into the earth in a canoe that appeared very, very real. The man by my feet seemed to steer us through the tunnel deeper into the earth, until finally we were all covered in a swirling marble net of blue light for a moment of pristine clarity, and it seemed I held my breath… Then the canoe broke through the surface of what seemed like a spring, birthing us dry and whole into the Lower world. The spirit realm…
The air felt very still around me as I took my first glimpse of the world of my great grandfathers, before a gentle wind caressed me with the touch of satin. I stretched my face toward the sky, and blinked when a flock of geese high above flickered through the light of the warmest most soothing sunshine that could possibly be imagined. I looked down and around the massive green valley that our spring had spilled us into. A titanic wall of uplifted granite rose like a sentinel to our left, under which our spring ran past; and to our right up a gently sloping hill, a thick lush forest sprawled out across the landscape, while misty blue mountains of a far off range delineated the horizon ahead of us with its jagged edge. A feeling of complete… serenity ebbed and flowed through my body like another bloodstream superimposed over my own.
The woman who led us looked around briefly and then did a double take when her eyes passed over me.
"What are you doing here?" she asked bewildered, and as soon as she spoke the other shamans seemed to wake up to my presence and they turned to look at me.
I suddenly felt taken aback; was I not supposed to be here? "I… I don't know, I just felt this tug and then I was going down with you. Why, is something wrong with me being here?"
She shook her head, and paused a moment, "No, I don't think anything's wrong; it's just unusual for the patient to actually go on the journey with us…" some thought seemed to pass behind her eyes and her brow furrowed.
"You all need to stay behind and guard the boat; also, try to keep your senses open to his body. His soul must have come loose and joined us on the journey. Right now his body is a comatose shell; make sure no harm comes to it, and summon help immediately should the body falter. Come," she wrapped her hand around my upper arm in a surprisingly firm grip, "We haven't much time; things are worse than I thought. It seems like the bear… something caused your soul to begin to separate from your body, like some kind of 'soul sickness'; we must find your power animal as quickly as possible, the longer we are away… well, I don't want to even guess at this point; I've never seen this happen before…"
Despite the fact that her words should have worried me; I could only feel calm in this place as she let me toward the forest on the side of the valley. As we reached the shadow of the trees, she stopped dead in her tracks.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know," she said, "I… something isn't letting me go any further. Jimmy, listen to me, it's imperative. Something is keeping me out, which means you have to go in there alone to find your power animal. Just let yourself go wherever you feel drawn; you will likely see many creatures. The animal that chooses you will appear to you four times in different aspects. Beware insects, and any fish or reptiles that bear their teeth or stingers." She drew a deep breath and sighed, "I wish I could go in there to protect you; but I think there's a greater power at work here than just happenstance… Go Jimmy, quickly, and good luck!"
She turned me around and pushed me into the trees. I stumbled a moment on the bracken, and when I turned around she wasn't to be seen. With an eerie calm I turned and walked into the trees, heading toward the heart of the forest. The woods were quiet and calm; just the whisper of the warm breeze through the leaves; and the occasional song of unseen birds. As I wandered, so did my mind. Contemplating the strangely detached knowledge that I could very well be dead already, and just waiting for my body to shut down. The thought didn't bother me like I rationally knew it should… and even that knowledge didn't bother me either, though it should have.
The forest grew darker and as it did so, I withdrew deeper into my mind until a shadow stood out in the corner of my eye. I froze and turned my head to look, and there I was standing there, looking at myself. My sleek black pelt, and feral amber eyes gazed back at me without a hint of humanity, but brimming with knowledge and power. My wolf lowered his face toward the ground and sniffed, seeming to recognize me. He damn well should, he was me!
I turned my body to approach him and he raised his head up high, his ears and tail upright, and then turned and bounded away toward the dark of the forest heart. A worm of irritation broke its way through the calm for a moment, and I followed him without saying a word. Usually a 'damn' or something would have been called for, but for the first time since I turned twelve I didn't feel the compulsion to swear.
I followed a faint path through the underbrush, and looked down to step over a log. When I looked up there was a massive black bear standing directly ahead of me. I felt surprised as though from a distance, none of the usual physical reactions accompanied it though. The bear simply stood, dark ebony in the shade of the dense forest. I felt a great weight from his gaze, as though energy was radiating off of him, some sense of contained power about him. He made no aggressive moves toward me, so I stepped forward along the path and walked around the side of him; and stopped at his shoulder and looked into his gaze that had followed all of my movements. He and I simply regarded each other calmly for a moment before I looked forward again and continued along the path.
I didn't have to look to know that he'd disappeared.
A low layer of mist began to cover the ground almost as soon as I passed him, and it swirled around my bare feet as I walked forward through the trees that grow darker and darker until…
"I know this place…" I whispered to myself as I came around a massive boulder; the trees had faded beyond dusk to deep obsidian… There were the woods there She had brought me. I came forward into a clearing that was almost a perfect circle around; the full moon shone brightly centered in the opening of the trees just like it had that first night; casting a pallid blue light upon a burnt out fire pit. Instead of the cawing of ravens though, a strange hissing sound seemed to come from all directions at once; a rattling that triggered something instinctual inside me, making me look around anxiously seeking the source of the sound. Finally the sound focused into a single location and recognition hit home.
I looked down by my right foot and there, coiled by the trunk of one of the trees; a diamondback rattler was poised to strike at my leg just scant feet away. Its mouth gaped open displaying hypodermic needles from hell. I remembered the shaman's warning as I looked at it; but it was already too late. I would never be able to move fast enough to evade its readied venom; I was so close that I could clearly make out the strange red cross-shaped mark atop its head.
The calm cushioned me as I realized my end was lying at my feet as it struck in a blur. But the pain never came; another blur, a dark one, smashed into the serpent from the side in mid-strike and in the space of time to blink my eyes in reflex, the snake had been flung dead on the ground; it's body writhing in on itself as the head flopped around strangely, its throat torn and missing. Small beads of yellowish venom gathered on the tips of its fangs as I tore my eyes away to look at my defender, only to see a lupine black rump disappearing through the trees, the mist swirling in it's wake.
I crashed through after him, and looked up just in time to see him bound up the boulders of the waterfall; and then disappear; with a flash of something porcelain white just past the edge of the rocks.
"Well, that's two…" I muttered and followed; missing my strong lithe form more than ever as my clumsy human shape struggled to climb the boulders it had bounded easily over to the top of the falls.
As I pulled myself up over the last rock at the rim, I felt the shadow to my right watching me with his quiet brown eyes. The bear stood in the flow of the river watching me, and I pulled myself up and after my spirit animal, feeling his gaze upon me until I dove back into the secretive shadows of the trees. I pushed onward through the woods, deeper and farther than I had ever explored with her at my side in dreaming before. I perceived the temperature dropping steadily, and eventually the perfect onyx of the forest became broken by blowing plumes of snow drifting through the trees. Thicker and thicker it became until I burst out of the trees quite unexpectedly and I was…
Completely blinded by the bright high moonlight shining off the mirror of ice that lay sprawling before me. A cold land of permanent frost, the tundra; stretched out from a blazing crimson sunset to far right horizon to the dancing colors of the aurora borealis to my left. High overhead, seemingly framed and hanging in the dead center of the sky was the full moon; just as it was in the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />midnight forest.
Motion caught my eye and drew it toward the aurora; shadows were bounding across the tundra, small sprays of disrupted snow flung behind them. A pack of five or six wolves, all led by the large black one with an air of infallibility. With sinking despair I watched as they drove through the snow away from me, toward the darkness of night. Well, that makes three, but how the hell am I supposed to catch up with him now?
But then my eyes were drawn toward the sunset, and the shadows moving there, silhouetted against the blood red horizon. A group of humans, one tall male, two females of almost equal height, and a youth half as tall as his father. It seemed to me that I knew them, could almost recall their names if I tried, though right now that was not what was important. They too were walking away from me, toward the calling light of day.
I puzzled over what I was seeing for a moment, until Her voice purred behind me, and I turned my head about just as She emerged from the misty forest like a ghost of white shadow. "The time has come my little one…" Suddenly my arms were yanked out to the sides and a fiery pain sliced down the middle of my chest like a line of flame, dividing my heart in two.
"You have dawdled too long, and now you must choose." A fresh lance of pain drew a sharp breath from me and my face whipped forward as my muscles convulsed, trying to hold me together. "It is time you choose who you will be…"
It was then that I saw the cords, long shimmering strands that seemed to be made of the moonlight itself stretched from my wrists out to the diverging packs of wolves and humans, drawing me in half between them as they still strained toward their opposing horizons.
With an icy plunge of shock I realized; the bear had forced my hand… Knocked my soul loose so that I could be drawn to this place that I had somehow disconnected from; it was time for me to decide what I would give up. But… how could she possibly ask me to give up something I could never live without? I would die either way; if I chose to continue as a wolf, I knew my human body, teetering on the edge of the abyss, would die in its strange slumber. But if I chose to return to my human body, I would be giving up my soul, my identity…
A fresh flare of pain down my sternum drew an anguished scream from my throat. How could she? What right did she have to divide me this way? My life is mine, it always has been; and always will be… With a rush of defiance I opened my eyes and pierced her with my glare.
"You cannot ask me to give up half of who I am; I would die either way; so at least this way I can die with pride. At least be merciful and end this for me with your own fangs; there's nothing unnatural about that death. I choose neither side, so at least death can take me whole to the other side!" I bellowed at her, and she gathered herself to lunge. I smiled and closed my eyes, waiting for release.
I never felt her fangs pierce me, but the pain left quite suddenly. It made sense, why should it hurt to die here? I wondered if I would see my body one last time, and so I slowly opened my eyes hoping to give one last goodbye to Taylor or the shamans so that they could tell my family that I loved them, and that I was sorry I had to go…
But instead of Taylor's living room, I opened my eyes to the tundra field, with the full moon blasting with full intensity overhead. It was then that I realized why the tension had stopped. Just to my right, She held the cord that bound me to my family in her teeth, and she turned her amber gaze one me. Then to my left, I saw a powerful looking man, dark of skin with a strong jaw and no facial hair; wrinkles folded around his eyes as he smiled at me and I realized with a shock that I recognized him.
"You realize what you are asking now, don't you Jimmy?" my Great Grandfather asked me, holding the cord that drew out to my sleek black wolf in one hand, a rock knife with an antler hilt in the other, waiting to cut the line. "If you chose this middle road, you will truly walk forever between the worlds; you will never… never be able to belong completely in either world. You will never be human again, and you will never be completely embraced by the wild either. This is a lonely road that has claimed far too many lives with its unending trial and conflict. Is this really what you want Jimmy?
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath as I felt the isolation looming ahead of me, but what choice did I have? My eyes opened with determination, "Yes… I choose to walk between the worlds."
With a swift motion, my t'upye' drew his knife along the wolves' cord, as simultaneously, the Great Wolf Spirit clenched her teeth down and both tethers were severed.
My family disappeared into the light of the sun that finally fell completely below the horizon, taking them away with it. And I looked desperately toward my wolf soul, waiting for it to come back to me just as the pack passed over the line of the horizon and the aurora disincorporated itself into some last dancing wisps of light before dying out completely, leaving us completely alone with the cold light of an impartial moon. He left… He'd left me…
I fell down to my knees as the burning tears came rushing up; an agony far greater than the physical pain I'd felt from the cords rushed up and consumed me… Isolation, abandonment, loss, rejection, and a crushing loneliness came roaring over me. Even though I'd chosen to give up part of my humanity to keep my wolf… I'd never realized that my wolf might not want me…
T'upye' knelt down in the snow beside me and wrapped his arms around me, trying to console me, and the spirit came over and brushed Her soft fur against me, leaning into me as a pack-mate would to comfort another.
"Shhh, it's going to be okay. I'm so proud of you Jimmy," Great Grandfather whispered to me, and the wolf spirit growl-purred her assent. "You chose the hard path, but it is the path of strength and pride. You made the right choice…"
The Great Wolf Spirit shifted and walked around in front of me and looked my Great Grandfather in the eyes. He smiled at her, and muttered, "Hello again old friend… I guess the time has come hasn't it?" As he spoke an eagle cried, flying high over us behind my t'upye'; and with silent stealth the powerful Spirit Bear emerged from the woods and stood by Her.
I realized that he had presented himself to me three times as well, and unlike my wolf; he seemed to have great interest in me. But…
"T'upye'... I don't want to offend him but… I don't want to be a bear, it just doesn't feel… right…" I whispered even though I knew only too well that he could hear me.
"Jimmy, you need to learn faith…" A strange voice spoke and I looked over my shoulder to see a raven emerge from the woods and shapeshift into the woman shaman right before my eyes. She must have been kept out until I had passed my trial and made my decision. "Sometimes, the way you want things to be, isn't how they are supposed to be… You need to trust that things will occur as they need to, whether you like it or not; it is best.
"But… Why doesn't my wolf want me?" I asked desperately, but she only smiled at me, and nodded in greeting to my Great Grandfather, the powerful shaman of a generation past.
My t'upye' smiled warmly at all of us in turn, as though looking around for the last time. He gazed up at the circling eagle, the waiting Spirit Bear, the woman shaman, myself… and then finally his eyes settled on the Wolf Spirit. They smiled at each other; her face stretching into a wide lupine grin as he leaned over toward her and closed his eyes just has his nose touched hers. Right before my eyes, he changed…
His warm hued human skin seemed to blur at the edges, and in a wave washing back from Her touch, his old human form melted into a powerful black form. He turned his familiar amber eyes to me and I realized that it is my wolf that he became. A wide lupine grin spread across his face, and I heard my Great Grandfather's voice in my mind, though at the same time it was my own voice, the voice of my wolf. "Who ever said I didn't want you? You just had to show that you wanted me…"
With a cry of joy I spread my arms and leaned in to embrace my wolf self; and he in turn curled his face down around my shoulder, and I drew in deeply the warm furry musk of his mane, the itch of the long guard hairs against my face. He raised his massive paws up onto my shoulders and pushed me down onto the ground, and I laughed with joy. And… then he began to eat me.
Detachedly I realized that I should be afraid; but I couldn't feel fear through my joy. I closed my eyes and jubilant tears leaked from them, and continued to laugh as though it was the last thing I would ever do. I was aware when he finished though, when I had been completely devoured, and I opened my eyes.
Instead of looking around from a ruined carcass, I opened my eyes to a world alive again with color and light, the shadows no longer holding their secrets from me. I looked around through my wolf's eyes again after far too long; and I knew that I had not been eaten to destroy me; I had merely been taken into him in the only way a wolf would know how; made whole again. I threw my head back and howled with all the emotion I had been holding inside since I'd started to feel us disconnect. The Great Wolf Spirit joined me, and it seemed the entire forest came alive and began crying out in response to us.
"It is time" she said to me, and touched my nose with hers. Then we both looked back to the shaman. She nodded and walked forward, then I felt a great tug when she took me to her chest and we were being drawn back through the woods and past the lake with breathtaking speed, we passed out of the mist, and the light grew and grew until we plunged back out into the searingly bright sunlight where the other shamans still stood guard around the canoe that conveyed us between the worlds. I perceived a slight arrhythmia in the pulse of my heart, and I realized that it wasn't my heart; so much as it was Taylor's drum on the other side of the Veil. She climbed into the canoe, still holding me to her chest; and I held myself calm and still as the canoe plunged back into the waters of the spring like a perversely ancient submarine.
The peace of the Lower World lingered with me even as we re-emerged into the Middle Realm, and they returned to their bodies. I looked down at my own form and saw that my chest had stopped moving. Had we dawdled too long, had my body ceased?
I was still held to her chest though, and she leaned over my body and seemed to lay my spirit down over the body, and then she blew into her hands, and I could feel my soul expanding to fill the flesh like a balloon filling a mold; forming me into place though I still couldn't force my body to respond to my consciousness. But then she sat me up and cupped her hands over the top of my head, over the area that had been a soft spot of ungrown bone when I was an infant, and blew in there too. I had forgotten the pain of being physically alive until sensation roared over me with unrelenting ferver; and my eyes snapped open. My senses overloaded all at once making my stomach convulse and I drew in a breath that was part scream as my corpse returned to life…