Hello Lovelies: This is what I have been up to lately. I am partnering up with a motivational life coach and developing workshops and a book on my journey. More to come so watch this space for the rest of my journals...
21 Days of Fearlessness
August 12, 2009
Earlier this week I realized I’m a coward.
This is not to say that I haven’t done extraordinary things in my life or have never been brave, but when it comes to being accessible to other people, when it comes to feeling confident and self-assured and taking true ownership of my emotions, my reactions, and my actions—I rate myself a two on a scale of ten.
I have many fears within my relationships with other people and within my own sense of accomplishments and success. I’m afraid to love—truly love. I’m afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of being sincerely happy. I’m afraid of being successful. I’m afraid of knowing how powerful I really am and utilizing my skills and talents to its highest potential. I am afraid of taking risks, taking chances, and going after what I truly desire. I’m afraid I’ll never experience true love, true success, and true happiness. I’m living in my own shadow and I want to break free.
Today I’ve committed myself to challenging my fears. It takes 21 days of consecutive behavior to change a behavior and create a new habit. I hope that at the end of 21 days I will be transformed into someone fearless, unstoppable, confident—extraordinary! Come September 1st I will be newer version of my greater self. I know this is only the beginning and that 21 days will not dramatically alter me, but who knows. I believe in miracles. I believe in faith, though I haven’t had much of it lately. At least, not in myself. I’m scared of what lies ahead for me. I’m voluntarily shaking my world up and I don’t know if I can turn back. I’ve already said ‘Yes.’
Today I challenged myself to let someone I care about know where I stand emotionally. Despite the odds that feelings would not be reciprocated, I had to release what was in my heart, to reveal that I wanted to explore our connection and release the fear and pain I had inside that temporarily put the breaks on our friendship. I’ve never done anything like this before. Usually I either run, run, run, or I let the other one run. Normally, I’d keep everything I feel inside but I wanted to step outside of my comfort zone. I had to…
My heart pounded as I searched for the right words to use. Yes, I sent the message via text, but I couldn’t work up the nerve to call. Still—I did it!
And yes, it hurt to see that the damage was already done based on the fear I had several days ago, but at least I know that I have the guts to go after what I desire. It’s not easy… It’s not easy…
I also spent the day ordering foods I would never order. I tried a new kind of sandwich instead of the one I always order. Surprisingly, it was delicious! I took a different route home, and I said ‘No’ to someone I always say yes to.
Also, I posted a blog that revealed why I was so fearful of losing people who matter to me and I revealed what my ex had done to me. I exposed the betrayal I felt and how I was left without money, without transportation, without warning. The shame I felt mere months ago has dissipated with the release of these emotions. I bared my soul for all to see, and that was more difficult than I imagined. “What will they think of me?”
Still—I put my story up to be examined, to be judged, to be released into the Universe and I felt… free…
August 13, 2009
I woke up at 2:30 this morning so I could sit at the beach and watch the Meteor Shower streak across the sky. But all I could see was a purple haze. I meditated and listened to the Ocean breathe. To feel the Earth brush kisses on my face. And for a glorious moment—I understood the meaning of Life.
Afterwards I lie in bed with a head full of thoughts. I wrote them down until 4:30 am and then drifted into a remarkable sleep. I had the most amazing experience while sleeping. There are no words to describe, but I will try.
I dreamed I was sucked into this incredible vortex of intense Love. This feeling was encompassing, was consuming, was a Part of me. I felt as though I was underwater, being carried off into waves of pure Love energy. Indeed, I WAS this Love energy.
Then I would ‘pop’ out and suddenly I was in a different life. I found myself walking the streets of some unknown city. I was cognizant of the fact I was dreaming, but I also felt ‘awake’ in this ‘life.’ I could feel the chill air against my skin and I took a deep breath. I inhaled. There was a man standing on a corner and I asked him where I was. He said, “Manhattan.”
I looked around me and smiled and then suddenly I was sucked back into the vortex of Love. Again, I popped out and this time I was in a house and again I was aware I was dreaming, and again I felt alive.
This happened a total of three times and then I woke up. I felt I had been given a gift and I wanted to make the most out of my day. Despite only having a few hours of sleep I felt energized, rejuvenated—Loved.
I was so happy that I skipped to the coffee shop—pigtails and all. Yes, I decided to put my long curly hair that I always wear down, into pigtails. And together we skipped down the streets of Long Beach and I watched the smiles gather on people’s faces and a few who stopped in their tracks to watch in wonder as I skipped merrily passed them.
And I smiled the whole time.
Some people stopped me to ask, “Why are you skipping?” And I replied, “Because it makes me feel happy and free!” “You should skip too!” And so… a group of us went skipping in downtown Long Beach.
Later, when I had finished working and playing online, I decided to commit myself to doing one of the biggest things I will ever do in this lifetime. Have a talk with my family about something I had kept from them most of my life.
Since I turned 30 a month ago, I realized that I had not been living an Authentic life. As a child I had sacrificed my identity for that of my family. Playing mother, playing older sister, playing the hero who saves everybody but myself. As a young adult I carried this behavior within my relationships. I entered into relationships with men who were only too eager to receive the affection and attention I showered them with. Because I had no real passionate feeling for them, I wanted to make up for it by being the ‘best girlfriend in the world!’ I wanted to make up for the guilt and despair I felt inside by giving gifts and feeling good about giving gifts and saying ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no!’
But once I released myself from the last unfulfilled relationship, I decided enough is enough. I’m going to embrace who I’ve always known I am: I am gay.
Yes, there will be many who will scratch their heads, many who will be in shock and wonder if this is a belated April Fools joke because they are SURE I am boy crazy. But the truth remains, I have always been more attracted to women, always felt more comfortable, more secure, and in-between relationships I was dating women in secret.
Today, I decided I would come out to the rest of my family. I had already come out to my mother and youngest sister some time earlier, and while my youngest sister supported me whole-heartedly, my mother was belligerent and ended up hanging up the phone and not talking to me for several weeks, despite having a gay sister herself. It had crushed me, but I felt good about being true to myself and letting my mother know who I was.
Today I am going to tell my father, my other sister, and my two younger brothers.
My hands were shaking, my stomach swirling, and suddenly my bladder was full as I dialed my father’s number. “What will he say?” “He’s gonna freak!” I thought I knew where he stood on the issue. Twelve years earlier, when I left home to move to San Francisco he had told me not to ‘come home gay.’ He has, in the past, made several references to disapproving the gay culture, so naturally, I imagined my father would be one of the ones who would banish me from his life.
The conversation seemed to lead right up to the point. We talked about my ex and he was sorry for what he had done to me and how he had noticed at Christmas there was no chemistry on my part. I mentioned that there had never been any chemistry in any of my relationships and he agreed. “I’ve noticed that. You’re right! You need to be with someone who makes you feel fireworks.”
That was my queue. “Well, now that you mentioned it Dad…” And so… I told him how I had always been attracted to women, and while there was not yet a ‘particular special one’ in my life, I knew I would honor the way I felt about women from now on. I would honor who I was and exhibit my most authentic self. My father wasted no time or words.
“Mae Mae, I love you regardless of who you love.”
I didn’t think I heard him right. I couldn’t have heard him right. I must be dreaming and stuck in that vortex of Love. But he was continuing on.
“As long as she treats you right, she is welcome in this family. As long as you are happy, it doesn’t matter if she is striped, polka dotted, or purple. You deserve to be happy.” He expressed, "You are an amazing woman and you do amazing things. I am proud of you."
No words. No tears. No emotion. At least not yet. It took several moments to process what my Dad said and what I was feeling. I stood outside of the coffee shop watching the world go by, watching buses and people and animals streak past me in a blur, and I felt my heartbeat start to regulate and I felt it swell with gratitude and a newfound appreciation for my father. And I thought, “Wow.”
After we said our goodbyes and after he pledged his assistance for relationship advice and offered a shoulder to cry on, I stood outside and felt relief. My hands were still shaking and sweaty, yes. But I felt an immense sense of relief and I exhaled. I had nothing to fear after all.
Since I was on a roll I decided to forge ahead with the rest of the phone calls. I knew it would not be so easy to tell my brothers and remaining sister as they were heavily entrenched in their religion and we had had several disagreements over the last ten years regarding same-sex marriage, spirituality, and the like. I knew there was a battle that lay ahead and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I could continue to bask in the glow my father gave me. I would hold onto that no matter what the day would bring.
I called my sister first. She is second in line, and the one who had already experimented with girls, but was no longer ‘like that.’ She and I were already estranged due to the fact that ‘God led her to disassociate herself with me.’
When I told her that I was gay she said, “Shut up! You’re lying.” I informed her that in fact I was not. She didn’t ask many questions and we talked only briefly but she did acknowledge that she had had two girlfriends in the past but that she was no longer ‘like that.’
Nevertheless, she didn’t seem to react to anything I said, good or bad. When I asked her if she was surprised, she said “No.” And that was that.
Next I called my younger brother. I knew this was going to be the most difficult one to deal with. We had had several severe arguments about religion in the past. He was heavily against same-sex marriage, had used derogatory words regarding the LGBT community and had often referred to the bible when spewing his reasons for viewing gays as being condemned as sinners.
We had yelled at each other, hung up on each other, and had attempted, unsuccessfully to agree to disagree over the last few years. But both of us were passionate about where we stood on equality and religion. My fingers went back to trembling, my heart resumed racing and my feet were pacing up and down the block. “This is not going to be good.”
When he answered the phone I knew I had every right to feel afraid. He wasn’t in a good mood. Twice I contemplated hanging up as I attempted small talk with him. He answered me in short answers and seemed to be having a bad day. But I reminded myself that I had come this far. Only two more left… I could do it! I could do it.
“I have something to tell you…”
And when I was finished he said, “You’re kidding me.” His tone was derisive, disgusted. There was a long pause. “No I’m not.” He inhaled deeply and I thought, “Here we go again. He’s gonna bring out the bible.” He said, “You know where I stand on the issue.” “Yes, I do brother and I am not asking you to change that but I just want you to respect who I am.” My hands were shaking as I clutched the phone. “You know I can’t do that. I can’t give you the response you are looking for.” “I’m not asking for a particular response…” I trailed off. What the hell was I asking for?
“I can’t talk to you right now. This is just too much. I gotta go.” And he hung up. I returned to my iced tea and my computer and began chatting with a friend to update her on the events when fifteen minutes later, my phone rang. It was him.
“I had to get off the phone so that I can hear the Spirit and be advised of what to say.” He then went on to talk about how he was a junior minister and that he followed the Word of God and that he could not and would not support me or my decisions and that I was no longer welcome in his home or near his children, my beloved four year old nephew and one year old niece. “They will NOT know about this. They will not be raised knowing about this. They will know right from wrong.” My mouth crashed to the floor along with my stomach. “What do you mean I can’t see my niece and nephew? They are my family! You can’t keep them from me!”
For a split second I wanted to take back what I said, just to make things ‘right’ again, but in my heart this was the right thing. This is who I am and if that means I have to be separated from family, then I have no choice. My brother continued. “It’s not like I am excommunicating you. I still love you but I do not support this sin. You are a sinner!” And thus began our millionth argument surrounding religion.
When we hung up I was left feeling empty and alone. Strangely alone. My little brother having the power to cut through my soul was such a foreign feeling. I felt as though I had swallowed sand, but no tears came. I clutched on to the release I felt. “It is done.” It is done.
I tried calling my youngest brother, the baby of the family, who would probably also tell me I was a sinner. Having recommitted himself to going to weekly bible study and church every Sunday, he was sharing the same views of my other brother. After attempting several tries, I gave up calling him and put it off for tomorrow. I had had enough for today. Thank God I had the support of my father or surely I would have crumbled right there in the coffee shop.
Determined to make the most out of my day, I skipped myself all the way back home, nightfall gliding off my back, and a grand smile on my face. I recovered the feeling of flying free! Flying… free… flying…
(To be continued...)