The Fame Sponge Talks To The Other One
11.4.09
A woman standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop this afternoon left the line to explore the contents of the refrigerated case behind us. She found a small box of chocolate milk that advertises how no cows were harmed in the making of the milk. Or that it’s organic. Or something. So she grabbed her hippie milk, and stood behind me. I told her to go before me, since she was there to begin with. She was very pretty, and very nice. We chatted an obligatory nonsense when I noticed her ginormous engagement ring. I immediately thought that my politeness and affability was misdirected because she was claimed by someone. Then I was disappointed in myself for even considering that my being nice and friendly with this woman was only to hopefully lead to something else. I do that quite a bit, look at the left hand. That’s a real asshole thing for me to do. She had dumb shoes too, so there’s that.
Ryan Seacrest has a radio show. Did anybody know that? I sure didn’t. Do you know who Ryan Seacrest is? He’s that little fame sponge that hosts “American Idol.” Well, apparently, he talks about things on his radio show that are of no consequence to anything resembling the slightest importance in reality. You know, celebrity garbage like who is sleeping with whom, who is starring in what bullshit reality show, and whose weight and/or features have changed. And here I am listening to political talk shows in order to better form opinions about shit that actually matters. Boy, am I an idiot. Recently, he talked to Khloe Kardashian on his show. A Kardashian is a weird little creature that thrives on fame, prefers to mate with athletes, and garners copious attention by making big deals out of nothing and having no talent. All of the good species die out, and the useless ones continue to exist, don’t they? Like, we don’t have pterodactyls nor sabertooth tigers, but we have fucking manatees and Kardashians? Are you kidding me?
Anyway, Khloe Kardashian isn’t the one that had a sex tape. She’s not the one that kinda looks like the one that had a sex tape. She’s not the little brat, and she’s not the half-plastic mother. She’s not even the father who, at one forgotten point in time, was an Olympian. She’s the other one. Well, Khloe Kardashian (the other one) talked to Ryan Seacrest (the fame sponge) recently about tattoos, and that is how this all relates to anything I actually care about.
Khloe Kardshian told Ryan Seacrest that she regrets having her lower back tattooed. Her tattoo, a cross, angel wings, and the word ‘Daddy,’ sits right in that spot that we know better to call it. Khloe Kardashian didn’t mind calling it that word, though, and she told Ryan Seacrest, “I got a trendy location. It’s called a tramp stamp.” She defended her other tattoo mods, saying they all had meaning and are really important and blah, blah, blah; you’re an idiot, stop talking.
Her use of the offensive phrase ‘tramp stamp’ wasn’t what caused my crippled, crippled, crippled knee to jerk. Crippled. It was her little ditty that she added about her sex tape, big ass sister Kim. Ryan Seacrest, the stalwart journalist that he pretends to be, asked Khloe if Kim had any tattoos, to which Khloe responded, “Kim told me you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.” That little idiotic idiom from this incompetent imbecile was what drew my attention. She also gave me an excuse to use assonance.
A bumper sticker on a Bentley. I had never heard that one before. This little phrase assumes a couple of things. One is that the canvass can be akin to the expensive beauty of a Bentley. Does Khloe Kardashian embody the beauty of a $500,000 car? Sure. Why not. We all do, don’t we? But inherent in the analogy is that some people are Bentleys and some are not; and those who are oughtn’t devalue the expensive beauty with a big, sticky bumper sticker. It also assumes that those who have the ‘bumper stickers’ are not Bentleys, and are rather a car of much less value. It reads to me that only inexpensive or less valuable cars have bumper stickers.
Am I contorting this pithy little phrase in order to make my rant make sense? Absolutely. That’s what I do. You ought to know that by now. I think that this little phrase is horribly damaging to all of the beautiful women who have their lower backs tattooed. These women are Bentleys just the same. These women are beautiful models of pristine craftsmanship simply because they live; like everyone on this shitty planet. A vexing hiccough here is that Kim Kardashian (the sex tape one) wouldn’t modify her lower back because she assumes that she is a Bentley, and therefore the mod would be contradictory to her little phrase. The one with the SEX TAPE is a BENTLEY and therefore won’t be associated with the assumptions that come with the phrase TRAMP STAMP. Did we get all that?
Khloe Kardashian is merely a vehicle for the ignorant waste of air that Kim Kardashian used to spout the disparaging nonsense that her sister obviously took to heart. Khloe Kardashian regrets her mod because of the location. That’s fine. I’m sure that some of us have mods that we wish were a little lower, a little more centered, a little straighter. But Khloe Kardashian’s knowing that her sister thinks she is less than a Bentley seems to be much more damaging to her than a shitty tattoo in a dumb spot. She regrets it because she wants to be the Bentley that she already thinks her sister is. At least, that’s how it reads to me.
I couldn’t give the bellend of a rabid woodland creature what the Kardashians do with their useless and opinion-abused bodies. Fame for the sake of fame never appealed to me. I know I’m not famous, but that’s because I’m not good enough at writing to be famous. I’d rather be famous because I’m good than be famous because someone decided I ought to be. And I haven’t done a sex tape. What I do care about is the perception of people with certain modifications. We all know that I don’t dig the phrase ‘tramp stamp.’ I really don’t see how a modification can speak negatively to one’s character. I also don’t appreciate people who are in no way part of the culture applying adjectival tax on those who are part of the culture.
Sex tape Kim Kardashian thinks that girls with lower back mods aren’t Bentleys. I think celebrities in sex tapes ought to be euthanized. It’s unfortunate that your sex tape, Kim Kardashian, wasn’t a snuff film. Keep your opinions about my culture to yourself, whore. Take a second to realize that your sister, Khloe Kardashian, looks up to you and your fame. Realize that your words about her behavior damages her, upsets her, and makes her feel ‘not like a Bentley.’ Whoever told you that you were a Bentley was not incorrect. Everyone is beautiful. But Kim Kardashian, don’t be a cunt about our culture. Keep your dick sucking, fame raping, big ass having, time wasting, judgmental and bigoted opinions out of the beautiful minds of those who appreciate the culture, garner comfort and catharsis from it, and celebrate a different kind of beautiful. I look forward to the expiration of your fifteen minutes. Stay beautiful, kids.
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